If standard therapy did not get you past the road blocks and the issues that keep coming back, then maybe you should try a Life Coach who is trained to get people passed road blocks and reach their goals. In coaching we believe in holding our clients accountable. So when you say “everything is your fault” sarcastically, are you willing to admit that you do have fault and are you willing to be accountable and take responsibility for your part of it? If yes, then there is still a chance. Because if YOU are then maybe a Life Coach can get your wife to see where she is at fault and get her to be accountable as well. A coach can also show you how to let go of the small stuff and keep your eye on the whole picture, the important piece which is the marriage and NOT the issues. If the marriage is the prize then the small little things that you fight about is not worth fighting over and you learn to compromise and let go. Obviously it is NOT so simple but that is the gist of it. Please don’t give up just yet. Try to make your marriage work for the sake of the kids. It would help if you both read “Choice Theory” by Dr. William Glaser.
I will give you an example. I have a client who tossed something to her husband and he blew up and chased her around the house. She swears she tossed it, he swears she threw it at his head. They are looking at the same incident from two different perspectives. She may very well have tossed it “to” him. But something in him triggered a memory or an incident where he saw the item coming at him and he honestly believed that she threw it “at” him. No matter how many times they go over the scenario he swears she threw it at him. How do they resolve this issue?
I told them both that it is not what she did that caused the blow out, it is what he perceived that she did that caused the problem. Since they now both know how he will react if she tosses/throws something at him consciously or sub-consciously so she should choose a different action. She should either choose to take a few extra steps and hand him things or put it down next to him. Or just put it down and tell him where she put it. It really had nothing to do with her. If someone else would have done it like his brother, he might have reacted the same way. She had to choose to work around his issue and he had to work on his issues and not react violently towards his wife no matter what. They each have to unlearn bad behaviors and learn different behaviors, keeping in mind that the marriage is the most important part of their lives and everything they do has to be for the benefit and strengthening of the marriage.
They each had a responsibility in the fight, they each are accountable to the marriage and they each have to choose to make the changes that will benefit the marriage and their relationship.