Working on it, you are not married all that long and finances seems to be your major issue. Here is an eye opener: If you can’t make it work on your income as a married couple you can’t afford a divorce. It will cost way more than living together with combined income. Having said that, what is the solution?
How much do you understand your wife or women in general. That is a key component in building a happy and successful marriage. Since you can’t afford another therapist right now, I am going to suggest very strongly that you both read “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus” by Dr. John Grey. I would strongly suggest that you read it first and then ask your wife to read it as well. This in addition to “Choice Theory” as I suggested earlier. Firstly it will give each of you a better understanding of the other gender, how they think, what they need, and how they feel. So you don’t have a feeling that it is “MY WIFE” or “MY HUSBAND”. Men and women are created differently. Our brains function differently, our hormones are different and therefore we think differently, we feel differently, our needs are different, and we react differently to the same situation.
Women are frightened when their husbands don’t bring in enough income to cover the bills. Women need to feel financially secure. She might not even realize that she is sabotaging herself and the family by being picky and choosy about her cases. There could be an underlying hurt, anger based on fear. You didn’t say what kind of business you have, but she might be afraid that you will work and work and still not see it grow into anything. She might be getting these ideas from her own fears, or from comments from friends and family.
After reading these books, you might have a better understanding about having a real conversation about these issues. Then there is another issue called Respect and Appreciation. You might feel that you paid for her education and she should appreciate and respect you for that, and you are right. On the other hand are you showing her respect and appreciation for the work she does do and the money she does bring home? Are you showing her respect and appreciation for helping with the finances no matter how much or how little they are?
Respect and appreciation is a key element to a happy and successful marriage. The failing economy has put a strain on many a marriage, but the marriage is the most important element in a person’s life. It is glue that holds a family together, it is the life lessons for the children to follow, it is the chinuch that you teach your children, it is their safety net and their security system. A failed marriage is equal to a dysfunctional family. So what wouldn’t you do to save a failing marriage?
The way to begin is NOT to look at what your partner should be doing to make things better, but to look at what I can do to make this better? What can I do differently to bring about a different, better and successful outcome?
WIT, I believe that you are stressed out and are working hard to build your business. At the same time, your wife is working very hard as well. She is after all a wife, a mother and a case worker. So both of you are working hard and are stressed out. You both need to understand the other’s perspective here. Although you were the sole earner when your wife was in college, she was actually working hard at the time as well. School is hard work, as well as doing it while married and with kids. So lets appreciate that.
At this point you feel it is important that your wife takes on more cases so that there is more income. How can she be compensated so that it is something she can handle? Do you have help at home? Are there responsibilities at home that you can take upon yourself? Can you help more with the kids? Having more cases by day also means more paperwork at night and at the end of the month. How can you show your wife respect and appreciation for making that effort?
On the other hand, what does your job entail? What are the hours for your job? Is there something you can do extra? Can you tutor a couple of times a week? Can you take on a part-time job on the weekends? Maybe if you are willing to do more, your wife would be willing as well.