Working on it, it seems that we might have scared you off. I certainly hope not. No one is blaming you c”v. Since you are the one that posted and not your wife we are just trying to help you see things from your wife’s perspective and to understand a female point of view. That is not to say that you are NOT entitled to your feelings or that you are wrong, it is to point out that maybe you are both right and that is why you are miscommunicating. You both have valid points that you are holding strong to and that is the problem. If you could each understand that you need to validate the other’s fears and opinions you would be working on a different platform.
Since the husband has a stronger and more powerful presence it is up to him to open a safe dialogue and start to show some level of validation and understanding. The more you demand of your wife the more she will feel used. After all it is the husband’s responsibility to support the family and she is being understanding when she accepts the role in helping out and being a second income or in this case the main income. That is a huge responsibility and not one that a wife wants on their shoulders. Especially if they feel pushed and prodded into it and not respected and appreciated for it. The feeling might be “why should I work so hard while he plays at being an entrepreneur? This is too hard for me, too much responsibility for me. Why can’t he just get a job?” Your feeling might be, “why can’t she support me as I supported her with her schooling?”
Here is the thing. When she was in school, you earned a decent living and it did NOT take away income from the family. YOU were the hero. Now that you are trying to build a business and not working for someone else, YOU are taking away income from the family. YOU both have to be in agreement on that to make it work. She has to be in it with you mind, body and soul. She probably wants to, but is scared to death about the money. And you still have to be a hero. It might be hard to always be the hero, i am sure that it is and hard to live up to, but a wife needs a husband to be a hero, a wife needs to feel that a husband will always protect her in all areas including financial security.
On the other hand, she feels that it is NOT her job to bring in the big bucks. She might not even like what she is doing and therefor it is a huge sacrifice for her. If that is the case how do you make this work? How do you make her believe in you?
Do you believe in her? Do you believe in her because she can make money? Or do you believe in her because she is a great wife, great mother, eishes chayil, etc. If you believe in her because she is a great earner, then you are making her feel used and abused and that is tearing down your marriage. If you believe in her because she is a great wife, mother and eishes chayil then you have to make her feel that.
The more you push her to get more cases the more she will feel used and abused. The more you show appreciation and respect, the more she will feel loved and cared for. There is a book that most chassanim are asked to read “The River, the Kettle and the Bird” (?). It explains how a woman is a nurturer by nature and like a kettle she keeps giving and giving but if you don’t keep refilling the kettle it will eventually run dry. A woman will give her love, attention and devotion to her husband willingly and without expectation, but eventually, if it is not returned and not refilled with love, attention, devotion, appreciation and respect, she will run dry and not want to give anymore.
My nephew got married a year ago. My husband asked him what he had learned from his Chassan Rebbe. He replied the 3 A’s, Affection, Attention and Appreciation. Sometimes when life gets tough we forget about these very important top three. We forget to fill the kettle and take things for granted.
Maybe from your perspective you see an amazing woman, smart, intelligent, capable and you don’t understand why she can’t take over for a while as you are building for the future. That is logic at its best. But logic has nothing to do with marriage. Marriage needs emotion, kindness, generosity, security, balance, understanding, effort, etc. What you might see as stubborn and unreasonable might very well be your own stubbornness and unreasonableness to understand the underlying truths.
As I said before, maybe if she sees you trying to take on another job, she will see how much you are sacrificing and she will try to do the same. If she sees how concerned you are about how hard she is working, she will give back to you a little too. If you ask her how you can pick up some slack for her at home if she picks up more cases she will see that you are trying to help her while she is trying to help you and you are not taking her for granted.
So again, you may both be right in what you are thinking and what you are feeling. But here is the most important question that you must ask yourself a thousand times during your marriage. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? In many cases you can’t have both.