flowers, I don’t see that either. I see a person who is hurt, tired and exhausted. Someone who is a bit misguided and misdirected. Don’t forget when a person thinks he is right and speaks to his buddies who all agree that he is right, it is hard to see the other side.
The worst thing a person can do is discuss his marital issues with his friends, or her friends as the case may be. Each set of friends will try to boost their own friend and build their confidence and self-respect by agreeing with them and telling them that they are right. That is the worst thing a “friend” can do unless there is abuse involved. A true friend will encourage a person to try to see things from the spouse’s perspective and come to a compromise.
This terrible economy has caused tremendous strain and conflict in many marriages. It is necessary for ALL to realize this and to see what a nisayon it is. The marriage itself should NOT be the korban of the economy. Couples should understand that they have to do whatever is necessary to strengthen the marriage, circle the wagons to protect it, because it is a great nisayon. A husband should remember how the wife circled him seven times at the chupah. How did he feel then as a chassan? I woman needs to feel her husband circle around her and protect her from all evils. A woman needs to feel safe and secure. That means emotional security, physical security and financial security. Men need to understand that.
A man believing that his wife is “superwoman” does not make her feel good. The woman would rather feel that her husband is “superman”. Both are foolish expectations, but if you have to put it in perspective, superman is a hero, and a woman needs to look up to and respect her husband in all areas of the marriage. When a husband flips that around it throws the marriage out of balance. A husband has to understand that. So if that is a necessary evil, what does HE need to do to make it work and put more balance into the relationship?
My son’s Rosh Yeshiva, when giving a shmuz to his talmidim, always starts his speech with “Before I start, I just want to thank my eishes chayil “name”, for allowing me the opportunity to be here tonight, and spend this time with you. This is her time and she permits me to share it with you.” What does that show you? It shows tremendous respect and hakaros hatov to his wife. It teaches his talmidim that his wife deserves his time and attention and that without her permission and agreement, he would not be available to his talmidim in such a capacity. It shows a commitment to marriage and to spouse. It shows he does not take his wife for granted.
So in a case where a husband, the one responsible to make a parnasah, relies on his wife to bring in the bucks, how does he show his wife respect and appreciation? WOI, that is a question that you need to answer. You are the one that needs to put the balance back into the relationship and see if that makes a difference. WE here have given you tools in which to do that. An excellent suggestion was made. Sit down with your wife and put a time limit on how long you need to make your business work. If it doesn’t take off by that date, then give it up and find a job. That is fair and reasonable. Ask your wife if she is willing to work a little bit harder until that date? Ask her what you can do to help her a bit if she does. Talk things out. Learn to listen to understand. That goes for the both of you. Ask her what her concerns are and how you can help her alleviate some of her stress.
Don’t give up on a marriage because of financial stresses. That is a nisayon that you just have to work through.