WOI, sometimes you just have to sit down face to face and ask, what do you feel will make you happy and put this marriage back on track? Don’t be afraid to ask the question, just be prepared to hear the answer and don’t be offended. Don’t answer right away, think about what she is saying, even write it down. Stay calm and ask questions if you are not sure or if you don’t understand.
Make a list or ask her to make a list of her priorities. Then discuss them. I will give you a couple of coaching techniques.
Ask open ended questions, not questions that require a “yes” or “no”.
Speak in terms of “we” or “I”.
Try to speak in terms of “agree”.
Try to use terms of appreciation, respect, and admire.
Repeat what she says or give feed back by saying “I hear that”, this validates her feelings and thoughts.
Having said that these are some appropriate questions:
I can appreciate what you’re saying, I would like to do some of those things as well. How do you think we can go about working towards those goals?
I respect your opinion, have you thought about a way we can manage that?
What do you think we can do to handle that?
If we were to make a list of what our responsibilities and jobs entail so we get a better understanding of what we are each doing so we don’t take each other for granted, what would be the first five things on your list?
I really admire the hard work you put into getting your masters degree, you are so good at what you do. I really appreciate the hard work and effort you put into your cases. These kids are really lucky to have you. Your hard work in school paid off b”h, not everyone can say that.
If it were up to me and I could just wave a magic wand I would grant all your wishes, but unfortunately life is not that simple or that easy as you well know. So is there a way we can work together to set mutual goals we can both work towards?
WOI, these are just suggestions and obviously you have to set a calm and safe environment to open this type of line of communications. Again, this is a way of sharing responsibility and accountability for whats going on and working together towards a solution. If you stay calm and not accuse you might be able to accomplish or at least open a path towards accomplishing something. Try to use what we call the two breath method. Don’t respond in anger. Take two deep breaths before responding so that you have a chance to think before responding. Don’t just respond instinctively or you might take the bait for a fight, or you might respond because you are not understanding or misunderstanding. So take two breaths to assess what she says before responding. Try to keep on track. Repeat what she says and ask if you are understanding her. Make an agreement such as…”So can we agree to think about what we both just said and sit down again tomorrow and continue this conversation to work on the problem?” or “So can we agree on this goal? Can we agree that this is the top priority for both of us, can we agree to put this at the top of the list?” Then proceed to make a list, write that down and move on to the next item.
If you can work through the issues in that fashion you would then work on ideas and agreements how to reach each goal and assure your wife that neither one of you should pressure the other to overwhelm yourself with all the things on the list. Work towards one goal and once achieved move on to the next.
Vacations are really great and everyone needs a vacation. But you can’t look at what other people do for vacation. You don’t know if their parents paid for it, if their parents are babysitting for them, if they borrowed the money, paid by credit card and will be paying it off slowly or if they actually have the money to do it. People tend to spend money whether they have it or not and that’s how they get themselves into trouble.
For all the people you can point to that take amazing vacations you can point to just as many that take a ride in the country and have one sleep over in a cabin or something like that or go to the poconos for an overnight. To those who can only afford that, they truly appreciate that they can have that vacation. Some people have a 10 bedroom house and some only 3. Some people have 10 kids and some don’t have any. Hashem is in charge and if you want something you can’t expect it to just be handed to you. If it doesn’t just fall in your lap, there is a reason for it, and you have to roll up your sleeves and work for it. Only the tzadikim had the “manna” delivered to their doors, the rest of am yisroel had to go out and collect it for themselves.
It is really nice if parents can afford to keep gifting children with everything they want and need. It is really, really, nice. But kids can’t go on their entire lives expecting that from their parents, and kids can’t go their whole lives expecting their spouse to pick up where their generous parents left off.
I hope this helps somewhat.