Reply To: How do you know when its time?

Aries – Thank you again for your input. Your latest message has been the most helpful. You do not simply say “do something”, you have actually given me some suggestions to address the problems. I will acknowledge that I do not always know how to phrase what I want to say – especially during an argument. I will certainly try to follow your advice as best I can.

Flowers – I am not sure why you are so on my case here. I don’t recall seeing posts that are saying that I am wrong, just that I shouldn’t be too hasty to make my decision and that I should continue to work on it. Besides, me being right or wrong has nothing to do with my question. What I was asking is when does one say “enough”. When does one realize that working on it is not going to work and you would both be better off apart than together. I also never said that the previous therapists told me that I’m wrong – I just said that it didn’t work for us.

BTW, our monthly bills are closer to 8500 and while she brings in about 1500 a month, we are still in the red every single month and will not be able to survive for much longer at this pace.

Now, to address your other comments: She is not exactly pushing me to make more money. Its more like whenever there is something she wants to spend money on (which is pretty often) she says things like “why can’t you just make more money so we can afford this” or “well…if you made more money then I wouldn’t have to feel like a pauper”.

Additionally, SHE is the one that decided to get a masters. She had a BA and was working in the city at a job that had potential for advancement but she wanted to have a masters. She has made it quite clear that she does NOT want to be a stay at home mother. It is not for her. She wants to leave the house and work. I didn’t decide that for her. Consequently, now that she has her MS, I don’t think it unreasonable to expect her to go to work. How can you seriously tell me that it is “undue pressure” on my part when the kids are at school and she is only working 8 hours a week? Not only that, but she doesn’t even take care of the house. I would agree with you if she were a homemaker and I was pushing her away from that. HOWEVER, she does not clean – we have a cleaning lady; she does not cook – most of the time I end up making supper and certainly I make most (if not all) of the food for shabbos. I even do the grocery shopping. So pardon me for getting defensive but when I hear someone say that I should take on “a little more responsibility around the house…” it really gets me upset. How much more should I take on? Why is it that I have to be the one to make it easier on her? As S2021 said, we are supposed to be a team, right? If she doesn’t want to work, shouldn’t she make it easier for me to run my business so I can produce more? But that is not the case. I am constantly asked to take care of things during business hours, especially since I work from home. I’ll give you an example: the other day she arranged a play date for one of our kids while the other was in school so she can go to a doctor. She then called me to say that she was leaving the doc but wanted me to pick up our child. when I asked why she couldn’t just pick up on the way home she said that she wasn’t sure how long it would take and our child needs to be picked up now. So I went. So far it sounds reasonable, right? But then, she called me when I just got to the other house (about 15 min later) to say that she just got home and did I pick up our kid. Now, it may not seem like a big deal but I just wasted a half an hour, in the middle of my day so I could take care of this. Meanwhile, she could have just as easily done it (even faster since it was on the way) without disturbing me. I then had to watch my kid for another half an hour while she went to pick up the other one because “it would be easier for [her] if she didn’t have to take this one along”. I did that too – just to make things easier for her. Then, she asked if I could do something else… When I told her that I really had a lot of work to do and maybe she could do it herself, do you know what she said? “I forgot, I have the laziest husband in the world. Fine, I’ll just take care of it myself then” and walked away upset. What am I supposed to do?

Now, I know that as you read this you must be thinking “I’m sure that he is embellishing this story”. Let me put it this way. I have a business partner who also works out of my home. He has said to me, many times “I would never believe half the things you say if I didn’t see for myself.” Anyway, the point here is not to rant about my wife. The point is to figure out how to change this situation and not be stuck in anger and resentment.OR, if there is even anything to work on. As of right now, I feel like I have a roommate not a wife. I don’t want/need a roommate.