I have redt many shidduchim and B”H was zocheh to be matzliach with at least one, for my own niece. No it wasn’t easy but each one told me I was on the right track. At least it was comforting to know I didn’t waste my time and I understood what they were both looking for.
Personally in this day and age, I feel that finances is something that needs to be discussed right from the start. There is no point putting two people together only to have to tear them apart because they or their parents are in two different planets as far as the finances are concerned. If a boy wants support that is something that needs to be said upfront. If a girl is going for her masters and the husband will be expected to take on that cost, that has to be said upfront. If you know that one or the other has a background or a history that the other family would never approve of, move on to someone else and don’t even try or go there.
As a shadchan there is certain information and questions that you must ask so that you are prepared to give the appropriate information and answers. Asking for an updated resume from both parties is appropriate and can save a lot of time and headaches. If a boy is NOT working at the time the shidduch is being redt then it is appropriate to ask how he plans to support his wife and family because that is a question that will be asked of the shadchan.
One thing that I truly believe has sabotaged the shidduch scene is dropping the shadchan too early in the process. Kids today think that they know everything and can handle everything on their own. They are so wrong and they mess up so badly. In today’s technical society, kids drop the shadchan and start texting each other very quickly. They become too familiar too soon and drop to the level of “friends” instead of “prospects”. They forget they are in a “courtship” and forget to be on their toes. In a courtship, one doesn’t call unexpectedly and one always puts their best foot forward, treating the other with the respect and holding the other in high regard. Texting is faceless and voiceless and you write things that are curt and short and on the level of other friends that you are very familiar with. That takes things down quite a few notches to a lower level of courtship.
You are NOT supposed to be friends. You ARE supposed to be “possibilities” finding out about each other and NOT “hanging” together and that is the difference. When you start hanging together you forget to treat the other as the most special person in your life. You are removed to the level of “friend”. This kind of courtship usually fizzles out fairly quickly. After a month or so. Usually it is the boy that ends it because he is NOT looking for a friend, he is looking for a wife. The girl meanwhile, feels like things are moving along because they are becoming best friends and buddies. They see each other quite often, they text or call a lot. But really the relationship is not growing and not going anywhere because they are not courting they are “friending” and they don’t have the middleman to guide them and build the excitement and anticipation of going slowly and not being so familiar with each other. This not only gives them time to think about the other person a lot but build excitement for the next phone call, the next date, and so on. I have seen too many shidduchim go this route and to top it off the boy always ends with “but we can still be friends, right?” WRONG!
Kids today are too confused. They don’t know what they want, and why they are looking to get married. They are more caught up with the engagement, the wedding, the gifts and the shopping, than the marriage itself and the reality of living and growing with their partner. Because of peer pressure and parental pressure, they are not sure what they should be looking for. Should they go after what their heart and brain tell them, what their parents tell them, their Yeshiva says, or what their friends tell them is right? Should they do what everyone else does, or should they decide for themselves? “If I choose this girl, my mother will make us miserable for the rest of our lives”, “If I go for the money, I won’t have to worry about anything and my life will be simple”, “Everyone says I should work and look for a learning boy, a true ben Torah but I really want to raise my own kids, what should I do?”, “I really want a learning boy, but my parents have no money to help us, what should I do?”.
What happened to “if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to make your own decisions?” Not in this society; yeshivas tell their talmidim to listen to their parents. Parents of boys think they “own commodity stock” and make the girls feel like they are department store stock, to be sorted and picked through. I can’t even count how many times I have sat with a bunch of yentas who told me “there just aren’t any good girls around”. I have been known on occasion to pick my self up and walk away but not before saying, “I guess you haven’t really opened your eyes to see what’s available, there are much more “good” girls than good honest and ehrlich boys available.”
We all know about the stupid list of questions that keep growing year after year. Who really cares or rather why should anyone care if the female in questions was toilet trained early or not? Why should anyone care if her mother serves with crystal glasses on Shabbos? Who’s business is it if they use a white or off white table cloth? These things are what is important in life? These are what makes or breaks a shidduch? This is what will determine whether a boy or girl will make a good wife and mother or a good husband or father? This my dear friends is what causes the shidduch crisis. Picky parents with hoieche fenster who raise the bar higher and higher each year.
When my daughter was dating, a family member chased after a boy for her for over a year. She called us and was so excited that she finally got a “yes” for her. She started to give me information on the boy. She finally said to me that the boy was going to Law School and the parents wanted the mechutanim (girl’s parents) to foot the bill. I told my sister-in-law, no thank you. I will pass. Say “NO”. She said “What?” are you crazy, do you know how long I was chasing this shidduch?” I didn’t care, I said “Is he no longer their son once he gets married? Why should I or anyone else take over their responsibility of teaching their son how to make a parnasah? What does this mean then, they are selling him to me? I am NOT interested.” At any rate, he finished law school and was working in the field. My daughter was married over 10 years before he got married. So his parents paid for his school in the end anyway. They were well to do people, and could well afford it. So what kind of mishugas do these people have? Why do parents insist on ruining their children’s lives?
If you want to look at the truth why there is a shidduch crisis, there are many pieces to the pie. In addition, there are many “advisors” than need to change their tune and help children make the right choices as individuals and not as robots all trained to do the same thing.