Hitting children teaches them that it is OK to hit and be violent. Hitting/violence is never the answer and a parent needs to role model how to use words in any given situation to work things through and to find solutions to difficult situations. Hitting in anger is YOUR problem not the children’s. It shows that YOU are out of control NOT the children and it is you that have the problem not the children. It seems that YOU have coping issues and you have to work on that. When the children feel that you are IN CONTROL they will feel more settled and trusting of you. Right now they know they can push your buttons and send you out of control. Why would they respect your for that?
Don’t let the situation build up to where YOU feel out of control.
If YOU feel you are losing your patience, remove yourself from the situation. Give yourself a time out before you deal with it.
Separate the kids or remove the item of contention.
Give each child an opportunity to tell their side of the story before judging the situation. Then you can say, you are all “right” and you are all “wrong” because you should have figured out a way to avoid a fight so you each have to apologize. Validating their feelings is the key to calming them down.
Set the house rules with your spouse when things are calm and happy and let the kids know what the rewards and consequences are. Teach them about time outs and how that works and how it is a mitzva to listen the first time. And how they will lose a privilege if you or your spouse have to repeat yourselves over and over.
For instance. If you have to tell them ten times to get ready for bed, the next night you will send them to bed 10 minutes earlier. Each night that they don’t listen, you will have to start bed time earlier and earlier, until they listen the first time. When they listen the first time for a whole week, you will all go out for ice cream on Sunday, or the one who listened the first time a whole week will go out with you for Ice Cream on Sunday. Or if they listen the first time there will be time for a story. If they waste time, there is no time for a story.
If you have trouble in the beginning, keep your hands behind your back or in your pockets. Never raise your voice. If you find that you are raising your voice take two deep breathes before you continue. Each time you find that you are raising your voice stop and breathe.
If you have to pick a child up and carry them to time out or to their room, then do so but don’t hit and don’t say angry words. Just say “you just earned a time out do you know why?” if they say no. Just say “you can think about it while you are having your time out and we will talk about it when I come to get you”. Then when the time is over you ask again, why did you earn a time out? Discuss what happened and then let the child apologize to whomever he needs to. If they leave their room or the designated time out chair, put them back and start the timer again.
This is a learning process for both you and your kids.