MP, when I lost my father my emunah shriveled into nothing. I was so scared. I was so lost, My father was gone and I was so angry at Hashem. How could you do this to me, how could you take him from me? Why him, don’t you know how important he is to me? From all the people on this earth it had to be him? Don’t you know how many evil people walk around every day, why did you take my father?
And then I was shaken to my core, I had no faith. I couldn’t make a bracha, I couldn’t walk into shul. I was so angry it scared the heck out of me. The Rav asked my husband how I was doing, and encouraged him to get me out of the house and to come to shul. When my husband told him I don’t want to step foot into shul, he told him to tell me “that’s normal, not to worry about it.”
I was in my own little world. I didn’t answer the phone, I wouldn’t go to the door. I didn’t want to speak to my friends. I didn’t want to speak to anyone or see anyone. But when my husband told me that the Rav said not to worry it was normal something snapped inside of me and there was hope. I realized that since I was talking to Hashem even though I was angry at him there must be some level of emunah still within me. Slowly but surely I felt my emunah and bitachon return.
It wasn’t until I had my footing within the realms of my emunah and bitachon in H”BH that I could handle myself with others. It wasn’t until I trusted Hashem and his ways again that I could trust myself. It wasn’t until I gave my pain and my agony over to Hashem that I felt the healing begin. It was as if I felt the arms of love and support surround me. I felt my father’s love and Hashem’s love and support. I don’t know how to describe it any better.
After this experience, I have made visits to other shiva homes. I have gone over to others who have looked so lost and disconnected and have called them out of the room. I told them quietly, I know how you feel and don’t worry, your emunah and bitachon will return. You can’t imagine the reaction that I received. The tears flowing, the big eyes opening “How did you know???”. I told them I see the lost look in your eyes. It happened to me too, and it is normal. It is part of the grieving process but I promise you, it will return.
MP, I believe that the fear of losing emunah and bitachon is the greatest fear of all. I have been there and I never want to go back.