Itzik,
I hear the problem with nosy people. And I agree it is a terrible middah.
But that is a separate issue. That is not the core of the problem. In my limited capacity, I can’t imagine that being THE cause here…
I don’t mean to be nosy (not funny), but can we take this apart?
1. You are an older single
2. You live somewhere in the Ukraine area
3. You value your privacy- extremely
4. You have big questions regarding faith
5. You are an intelligent & intellectual person
6. You have been in this matziv before
7. There is a major (bad) influence in your life which you mentioned you’ve walked away from in the past
This is all I (think I) know- I’m sure there’s much much more.
To tackle each point:
1. There is a lot of stigma and pressure regarding “older singles” in the Jewish communities. THIS REFLECTS NO FAULT OF YOURS.
Every older single goes through big nisyoinos. They don’t win every battle, some don’t win the war. But Hashem DOES give the koiyach to win. It’s up to you.
A lot has to do with perspective and emunah.
2 & 3. Living in a secluded close knit Jewish community is what causes this “fish bowl” you describe. There is nobody else to rely upon- you only have each other. Moving to a metropolis of Jews will ironically offer you the privacy you seek- even though it may be more “closed in” or “crowded with Jews” or “narrow minded”, you will most likely be less “bothered”. And you will also most probably be very close to major business areas.
4 & 5. GET THEM ANSWERED. You are not G-d (sorry). We all have questions- don’t let them fester until explosion time. Please.
If you find it difficult having deep personal conversations with a Rov and revealing your doubts, try starting online. There are numerous websites that offer “ask the Rov”. Shoot away- ask every question you have. They will direct them to the most appropriate party. And if you are not satisfied with the answers, that does not mean there isn’t a more satisfying answer available.
** If it took you all this research, knowledge and time to come up with the question- then it will take at least that much to come up with the answer!
6 & 7. I’ve taken the liberty to surmise that this person still has an effect on you; and that here lies the core of the situation. I can not speak further as I don’t have any other info regarding this matter. But if I am correct, then it is high time to remove yourself from this person’s reach and influence. You are only human and as such, you’re not above influence.
Do with this post as you wish.
All I know is that we care about each other- yes- kol yisroel areivim zeh lazeh. I really believe it.
– areivim