Thank you for those who answered my question regarding long term dating and frequent meeting during the engagement period.
Okay, I think we can apply the long term dating process in Yeshivishe circles, as apposed to the Chassidishe meetings (beshows) in the same vein as those from non-Yeshivishe couples, (SJS, I know you call yourself MO, but Wolf and arosem, I’m not sure which group you identify with within the frum world)albeit with much shorter dating and engagement periods.
I’m only focusing here on the aspect of if you became conscious of negative character trait(s) (that every human possesses)of your future spouse and if you did, how did you deal with that issue?
I think those who answered basically agreed that they knew each others faults, but worked on communication and to love each other despite knowing their faults.
I think that dating often before engagement as opposed to meeting 3-4 times, (and in a lot of cases less than that) in the Chassidishe circles can have maalos, however the metzius is that there is a major of drawback as well.
The fact is that there are many, many more older singles, broken engagements and divorces in the non-Chassidishe circles because
1. not everyone gets that spark of love that conveys to those in the parsha that this person is the one I can me married to my entire life
2. and the expectations of a happy and fulfilling marriage is higher and therefore harder to achieve
I think that those who expect more from marriage should not get engaged before they are completly mature and know what they are looking for. One should explore and get to know themselves completely and also know what they REALLY want in a spouse(I’m talking about tachlishdige issues, not the shape of one’s face, or whether the girl is a size two or an eight and also not what people are pressuring them to look for).
I also think it’s important to have a mentor to guide a person through the dating and engagement period and sometimes even after marriage.
When issues come up during the engagement, the engaged couple MUST learn communication skills. Breaking up an engagement should not be an option in most cases. This is simply a training ground for marriage.
Also divorce should only be an option for those who have an abusive spouse, finds out about a major issue that was withheld after the marriage that can have a huge impact , or any other MAJOR issue that cannot be corrected such as a husband that doesn’t learn, doesn’t work, doesn’t do his duties, is a shlepper and cannot change.
However not being able to love each other, or that the marriage feels emtpy is NOT, and I repeat NOT an excuse to divorce.
Sorry to sound callous, but life is not a bowl of cherries. Hashem is the one that creates the type of marraige He decides is best for an individual and if hishtadlus doesn’t help (in most cases it does) then is is Hashem’s decree.
Marriage is not something one can just dump for any reason. A bayis neeman b’Yisroel is a very serious thing (with children or not), it is not an object that could be dumped if one feels they have outworn it.
Hashem places each individual in a certain situation for them to grow and change and discover themselves in a way that only pain can lead them to.
I vintch everyone should have sholom v’shalvah, not only between you and your spouse (or future spouse) but also within you.