Continued Nancy Brodrick, our feline hero, “The reason we are here, my friends, is to prevent a tragedy that will befall humankind in the year 2015 if the timeline were to progress as is. If things were to go as is, the entire state of Wisconsin will turn into giant killer ants on August 14, 2015; they will then proceed to take over the world and force us, one by one, to watch the entire show of Twilight while listening to Justin Bieber on repeat, thus killing any brain cells of value.”
“Now this apocalypse is only able to occur because of an event that occurs in 1837, at which my ancestor, Brodrick B. Brodrick, was present. It is at this point in time that Vadim, a man notorious for eating red ants by the handful, is thrown into a furnace; this is no ordinary furnace, either. This is a deep furnace that connects to the very bowels of the earth, and as everyone knows, Wisconsin is the gateway to the core of the earth. Brodrick saw this event, and this information has been passed down to me, through 170 difficult years of persecution and sped up devolution from man to cat.”
“Now this is where we come in. The first red ant that Vadim ever ate came from a shtetl named Beerandcholent, and this shtetl’s roots go back to the time we find ourselves in now, i.e. the first beis hamikdash, and to a Persian town called Awannakillya. The only way we can prevent the red ants from breeding is to…