I think that what MoraRach writes has a great deal of merit, if you will stop and think about it. Dating for tachlis should not be about a specific NUMBER of dates being the magic one. It’s about getting to know someone’s character and personality, to see if they are a “good fit” for the long haul. Many kids are so obsessed with that number that they fail to look past certain externals, and make decisions that might be good for them – or might NOT.
I knew I was headed in the right direction with my future husband, after several dates, but I was certainly not ready to commit to a lifetime together at that point. I wanted to spend more time with him, meet his friends and have him meet mine, see how he interacted with them and with his family and mine,see how he reacted in different situations (like getting stuck in traffic, how he treated waiters and other service personnel, etc.) This took a little time.
We dated for three months, seeing each other frequently throughout that time, then became engaged and got married four months later. I don’t tell anyone how long they should date before making a decision, but they should certainly take longer time to decide about the rest of their lives, than they do to make a decision about what kind of car to buy. Some people take longer to be “themselves” on a date, and it is absolutely crucial to really see what a person is like when he or she is NOT trying to impress you.
Not everyone lets their “hair down” by 10 dates. Some people are really good at hiding serious character flaws, such as anger management. Some people are very shy but have shining personalities when they are in their comfort zone. That might take some time to manifest itself as well, and many good shidduchim have been lost because one of the parties lacked the social skills to be himself or herself on those first 10 dates, especially if they have experienced repeated rejection.
I think we should stop looking at numbers, and if someone sees potential in a relationship, to give it an extra shot before calling it off, just because the magic cutoff number of requisite dates have passed. Jumping into engagements and weddings, for the sake of “shoen tzeit,” makes me feel it is more about the process than the person. And I agree that this is why we are seeing many quick, young divorces.