I apologize. I just noticed that you did in fact mention day school tuition in your original post. Somehow I missed it.
Continued: Ritual Needs
Some of the expenses in this category are non-negotiable. Others can be mitigated.
Shabbos and yuntif candles can be purchased in bulk. As for Yahrzeit candles, you need a long-burning candle, but it is not necessary to buy candles specifically marketed as Yahrzeit candles. I wait for the large scented candles to go on clearance and then stock up on them.
Bobby pins are inexpensive and a negligible expense. They are not necessarily a “frum” expense either, since many women, including goyim and non-frum women, use them in their hair. Kippot can be expensive but do not have to be! If you must wear black velvet, order online rather than in a sefarim store and you will save (but buy other things you need at the same time to offset the cost of shipping). If you will wear a crocheted kippah, you can buy a cheap one at a sefarim store or pay a little more to buy from someone who makes them by hand (my mother does this). It will pay off because the handmade ones are better quality and will last longer. My brother has had some of his since before his Bar Mitzvah and they are holding up great.
As for women’s head coverings, you don’t mention shaitels, which are a huge expense but cannot be scrimped away. Hats, however, can be bought cheaply. While I was engaged, I spent a grand total of $13 on three hats on clearance: one at TJ Maxx ($4), one at Sears ($7), and one at Claire’s ($2). I wear each of them with my fall, which incidentally was free with purchase of a shaitel. I have a few hats for shabbos that are more expensive, but everyday hats absolutely do not have to cost a fortune. Tichels are significantly cheaper in Israel than in the United States. I asked my brother to bring me back some from Israel when he went a few months ago. Obviously he did not know exactly what colors and styles I would want, but he spent very little and brought me back a nice starting stock of tichels. One of my cousins, knowing that they are cheaper in Israel, bought some for herself while in seminary knowing that she would eventually need them. May she find her bashert soon!
Inspecting tefillin and mezuzot is an expense that cannot be avoided. Sefarim are very costly and also cannot be avoided, although I have been shocked to see how many households do not even spend on a basic Shas. No matter how tight money is, one should always have a sefarim budget, even a small one. I do wish that those who run sefarim stores would be a little more polite because I think some people are turned off by the rudeness and abruptness (I’m sure there are multiple exceptions to this, but it’s a trend I have noticed among different communities). Anyway, that’s a topic for another time.
Audio shiurim are free online, and many communities have a Torah tape gemach. Classes are also generally free. I know there are many that cost money, but with so many high-quality ones available that are free, why spend the money when you don’t have to?
The cost of tzitzis adds up if you don’t care for them well and have to keep replacing them. Place them in a mesh bag before you wash them and put the laundry machine on the delicates cycle. They will last longer this way.
As noted, day school/yeshiva tuition is a huge expense. I was fortunate to attend a day school with a tremendous commitment to scholarship that does everything in its power to attract talmidim whose families cannot afford “sticker price”. However, not all schools are like this. Many will expect a family to pay 20% of its income to the school. Sibling discounts are a joke. I am not familiar with the cost of tuition for the children of day school teachers– perhaps they offer a more substantial discount– but day school teachers get paid next to nothing, so even if so it’s a wash. This is the primary reason why the incremental cost of each additional child is so high. Clothing can be handed down and cooking for say, seven is not significantly different than cooking for six. But tuition is a real concern.
Student loans are not a “frum” expense and can be avoided if you attend a state school, are gifted enough to earn a full ride to college, and/or your parents have money in the bank.
Flowers for shabbos can add up. Try artificial flowers or set the table differently, e.g. use cloth napkins with decorative napkin holders, “charger” plates underneath each setting, artistic name tags for each family member and guest. Anything that is an investment rather than a repeat expense week after week will save you a bundle and achieve the same effect l’kavod shabbos.
Gifts for your wife and children for yuntif do not have to be expensive. Was it the rambam who said you should give nuts and dried fruit to your children? My husband is sleeping, so I can’t ask him.
My parents never attended yeshiva meetings and shul dinners. Unless you have a personal kesher to someone who is being honored at one of these events, it is not necessary. Once you have paid your basic membership dues and tuition, the shuls and schools will continue to ask you for more money. Review your finances and treat this additional money as tzedakah. Give appropriately for your situation. It is not socially necessary to sit through the dinners and listen to the speeches when you could be learning Torah or spending time with your family. (By the way, unless I missed it, which is quite possible, you don’t mention tzedakah as an expense. Don’t forget to factor that in to your budget).