If you want to know about how to play football, ask an Englishman. We invented the game, we get to decide what it’s called. It is not called ‘soccer’, that’s a daft name for a sport. What you lot play is properly known as ‘rugby for wimps’. Football, as its name suggests, is played by kicking a ball, not throwing it or battering people who happen to be within 20 yards of it for no discernible reason. The game flows and doesn’t have to stop every 37 seconds for advertising breaks and a coffee, and also pits just one team against one team (though substitutions are allowed)instead of rotating teams within teams to play other bits of teams from within the other team. And if you should wish to play rugby, no need for all that padding just go at each other and have done with. And if you should need to call a try a ‘touch-down’, please ensure that the ball actually does ‘touch-down’ and isn’t simply carried over a line. The end.
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