Hey guyz it’s me, yummy cupcake! i haven’t been on here in ages cuz for some reason i could not log on with my password, so finally i made myself a new email acct… this conversation really struck me, as this year i went thru a relationship that really hurt me, and that I still think about a lot, and i still hurt. Recently I went to a speech that was given by a frum psychologist. The speech was about forgiveness, and it was a real eye- opener. I cannot do justice to his speech, but basically what he said was: Yes we encourage forgiveness, and yes it is a beautiful thing that has powers you can’t even imagine, and yes it is a very healing thing, BUT it would be detrimental for someone to forgive another person if they really don’t feel ready to forgive, because it invalidates your feelings, and you teach yourself that it’s ok that ppl are hurting you, you just have to pretend your fine and move on. THAT IS NOT HEALTHY. He said if you are not ready to forgive someone, come yom kippur, DON’T FORGIVE THEM. if you are worried that Hashem will not forgive you or the person you hurt, don’t worry. If the person asked you for forgiveness 3 times, and you still can’t, Hashem sees that he tried, he did what the Torah requires, and Hashem will forgive him. If you really feel you can’t forgive the person, well, Hashem was the One Who put you in whatever situation hurt you, and He understands our machshavos and feelings, and if He sees you sincerely want to forgive the person, but you just feel you can’t, He will forgive you too. If you are worried that the other person will suffer because you can’t forgive him, just beg Hashem- say to Him “Hashem, I really want to forgive so and so, but I really feel I can’t right now, just please don’t make him suffer because of me” Hashem will see you’re sincere. If someone hurts you, it’s painful. It can hurt for years. The amazing thing about yiddishkeit is that we are not forced to do something we are not ready to do. (disclaimer: this doesn’t mean you should just go about your life and not forgive ppl. forgiveness has tremendous powers, and if you can forgive someone, that is an amazing level you have come to. i am writing about those situations in which someone truly feels they have not come to terms with whatever happened and they really feel they are not ready to forgive). And another thing this speaker said- if you cannot forgive right now, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. that is also very detrimental. Give yourself some more time to think about whatever is bothering you. If you can’t forgive before Yom Kippur, don’t. you can even wait till next yom kippur. until whenever. it doesn’t matter. And i can’t find which post it was, but whoever said that some gedolim have never given mechila for certain things, i know he is right, cuz i just heard one of those stories. Pain is a real thing, if you feel it, it’s not healthy to just cover it up and pretend it’s not there. If it’s there, express it in a healthy way. when you feel you can, forgive. Hashem loves you regardless.
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