mdd you are right about the increased problems of being raised more secular vs more frum.
Also (I know you did not bring this up, so the following is a general idea and not addressed just to anyone in particular) no one, can know all the details of how someone was raised, no matter how much they ‘think’ they know: Not even if they grew up in the same family.
They cannot know every word of every conversation they had or every private good or bad moment that may have occured between parent and child, or every ache and physical or emotional pain the child had that may or may not have been addressed properly.
If only G-d can judge then that reservation of judgement to G-d alone, must include that only G-d can decide if the parants really ‘did everything right’ or not.