DaasYochid: I’m sure they are. Most Roshei Yeshiva’s children go into the Family business (with the exclusion of the one who does Achiezer, which I heard was a lifesaver during Hurricane Sandy).
As for your points:
First, we can never completely ignore the concept of bechirah.
Agreed to a point. It is basically accepted by most (even in the Charaidi world) that Holocaust survivors are “Kedoshim”, even if they are not Frum. The Gemorah in Bava Basra (first perek) says that Iyov was not punished for Kefirah during his time of Tzaar. If someone is sexually abused by a Rebbe, or in the Mikvah, etc. I don’t believe the Ribbono Shel Olam will punish him/her for actions that are a reaction to those acts. From there, it is only a matter of degree. As I’ve said before, I refuse to tell the Ribbono Shel Olam that he needs to punish anyone. Judge not.
Here’s where I’ll do the oversimplifying: the single most important challenge faced by kids is emotional trauma
When does forcing a child to keep things (Halacha or Chumra) start being “emotional trauma”? Yes it depends on how it is done. But when a child logically refuses to wear a hat and jacket during the summer, or wants to have a BF/GF in their teens, or wants to eat a cheeseburger, and you tell them no, is that “emotional trauma”? Parents need to parent.
That being said, when the war becomes never giving in an inch, that would be “emotional trauma”. When you can’t have what others have because you have nothing and the father is sitting and learning, that is “emotional trauma” (besides being extremely selfish on the part of the father (or parents). Why would a child want to continue on that path?
When excessive chumras are made the scapegoat for OTD, I think the main point is being missed. Often, it’s completely a scapegoat, and sometimes, it’s merely a trigger. It’s not the religion itself – not halacha meikar hadin, and not chumra – which is to blame. In some cases, the way it is implemented might be emotionally abusive. (In those cases, I would assume that the emotional abuse isn’t limited to areas of Yiddishkeit, but its a great defense mechanism for a child who rebelled against religion to lay the blame at the foot of religion.) However, healthy parents, with siyata dishmaya and seichel (b’ikar, the siyata dishmaya is needed to give the parents seichel) can, have, and will continue to be mechanech their children, without compromise.
The key word there is “Mechanech”. I agree with you, but note that trying to push square children into round holes is not chinuch.