Reply To: Perspective From OTD

The fact that Modern Orthodox children go off the derech is part of a completely different problem. If I were advocating that frum people become less strict in their own observance to better accommodate diversity, you’d have a point. But I’m not. I am not asking anyone to become lax in their own observance.

What I am saying is that it’s better to allow your teen to lapse a little in their own observance – particularly if the thing in question is a chumra – than to come down on them during a vulnerable time and inadvertently push them further away.

It takes time to grow up, become comfortable with yourself and choose one’s path in life. Being strict forces a teen – and we’re talking about only a certain subset of teens in the frum community – to make choices and define themselves too quickly. The flexibility I am advocating for just gives the teen a little bit of room so they can figure things out.

As an example, imagine a fourteen year old girl named Ahuva who isn’t following the rules of tznius as closely as her parents would like. Ahuva wears brightly colored nailpolish and sandals outside without socks. Other than that, she is a model student, participates in chesed in the community and is generally a good girl. This is her way of experimenting and doing a tiny bit of “rebelling”.

Then Ahuva’s parents confront her and suddenly it becomes this big deal. Her relationship with her parents deteriorates quickly, Ahuva ends up dropping out of high school and going to community college. Two years later she is completely not frum. Now Ahuva wasn’t making a religious statement. She didn’t even have any religious doubts. But when she pushed back against her parents and then ended up getting defined as OTD, that sent her on a different path.

Think this is crazy? It happens more often than you might think.