Leeba, first of all welcome to the CR. I’m going to try to keep this short!
As someone who has moved completly away from Torah and Hashem, I was wondering who you rely on when your life gets rough. It’s always easy to see past Hashem’s doings in this world when you are in a good state and everything is going well (you don’t have to keep the hard halachas, you don’t have to daven and are not obligated in anything etc.) But what about when the goings get hard. You surley cannot blame yourself, or you may be self destructive. Who do you fall back on then? Also what do you feel like you are living for now, if not to have a beliefe in a God, who gives you challenges to make your life even greater than it was before!?(this was not to be attacking, rather I am curious on your perspective now!)