newhusband,
I’m going to get a housecleaner for the sake of shalom bayis,
It might do better for your shalom bayis if you see this decision as an opportunity to bring pleasure to your wife (selfless), rather than to avoid arguments that you resent (selfish).
but I have a feeling it will solve the symptoms (dirty home), but not the underlying problem (caring for the home). How do I deal with that issue is what I am looking to figure out.
Why on earth do you think that you can ascertain holistic “underlying problems” with your wife’s attitudes towards the home after less than a year of marriage, where for all but one month of that time she has been pregnant? Honestly, I think it’s possible that the root of your problem is that you are blowing these “minor” disagreements way out of proportion and using them to make sweeping conclusions about your home and marriage. No wonder your wife cries when you have a disagreement – she tells you that she doesn’t like cleaning and wants household help and you imply that your marriage will be irrevocably harmed because she’s an unfit wife and mother in your eyes! Even if you didn’t say it, she can feel it with your “hints”. Stop judging what kind of mother your wife will be before your baby is even born, and what kind of wife she’ll be 1, 5, or 10 years down the road!
My advice to you:
1. Take almost nothing your wife says or does personally during pregnancy. I think you are seriously underestimating how pregnancy affects your wife. She is changing inside and out, and that can make anyone feel very insecure. She doesn’t want to clean up now, but for all you know, once the nesting instinct kicks into high gear, she may feel like you don’t care enough about the house!
2. Deal with the present issues during any discussion or disagreement, not future speculations. Whatever you decide for how to keep things clean now, make that decision considering only the current needs, and stop extrapolating what it means to your marriage years down the road – especially for issues regarding parenthood. Don’t judge things that you haven’t even seen yet.
3. From what you have written in this thread, you obviously see cleaning the house as a burden to yourself, using words like “significant” and “chores”. So why does it bother you that your wife sees it in the same light?
4. Instead of dropping “hints” (disapproval and disconnection), start cleaning and engage your wife with conversation while you do it (connection). Any chore is more fun when you have company, and you will likely end up sharing yourselves and the jobs more.
5. Notice and express appreciation for what she does.
I don’t want to fix the symptoms by throwing money at the problem today because its going to morph into a bigger problem tomorrow.
You are not a navi – stick to the present.
I feel very open-minded on trying different things to change the dynamic in the home but at the same time giving in anytime my wife wants something will only make me upset.
Stop viewing things as “me vs. her”. A happy wife is a huge win for you. Instead of keeping score and focusing on whether you or she have had your way, focus on solving the problem at hand.
I don’t want to resent her,
Then don’t. You are in complete control of your feelings.