height in shidduchim

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  • #1034062

    dunno
    Member

    chayav inish livisumay

    You can also look at it from a different perspective. What’s the point of going out if you know that height will remain an issue after the date?

    #1034063

    always here
    Participant

    showerzinger– trust me, I was shocked! I couldn’t believe someone would be that shallow.

    but then again, I was never asked about plastic plates, tablecloths, etc.

    #1034064

    nishtpushet
    Member

    Here is a question, and I wonder if there is anyone out there that does this. Unfortunately, there are many divorced “singles” out there that are having a very hard time even finding a date since there does not seem to be a shadchan that is designated to helping them find shidduchim. Does anyone know of a shadchan in the NY area that specializes in helping divorced individuals find shidduchim? Thanks.

    #1034065

    aries2756
    Participant

    Sac and Dunno, here is a serious question for both of you. What if Hashem’s plan for you is to marry someone shorter than you. Would you be more comfortable “not” marrying at all or marrying someone shorter? I am serious here, because you are still young and maybe do not understand the seriousness or the difference of finding your bashert or finding Prince Charming. At some point you have to realize that what YOU are looking for might not be who Hashem has in MIND for you. Hashem has a very interesting sense of humor. Just look around and see who he puts together. Although it might seem like it is OUR choice really he has already chosen our zivig for us way before we even gave it a thought.

    All I am trying to relay to you is to really consider how much importance you are giving to any one issue. WHY does it make you uncomfortable? Why are YOU hung up on that? WHY should it be such a big deal to you? What is it about this issue that makes it a deal breaker for you? This is really something that you should discuss with someone you truly trust and admire.

    I truly believe that in my generation the bulk of tall men married short women (such as my case) and we produced tall daughters and short sons. The bulk of young men in this generation is of average height not tall yet the bulk of young women are above average height, not short. There is no way to control the distribution of the much sought after tall boys. However, if there is a shortage of young men in general and a shortage of tall young men to boot, aren’t you cutting yourselves out of the running if you hold out only for tall men? Aren’t you really limiting yourselves and possibly denying yourselves the opportunity of meeting your true zivig?

    I am not trying to annoy you in any way. I am simply trying to impart to you something that you might realize a few years down the line, and something that I don’t want you to HAVE TO realize a few years from now. I would like you both to find your basherts tomorrow and not have to wait one extra minute. So maybe those who are my age and have had more life experience than either of you might know things and see things that you have yet to learn and understand. WE don’t want you to have to learn those lessons. We want you to be happy and fulfilled and we don’t want you to suffer the nisyonos and challenges that others who have been stuck with deal breakers have suffered. Since I don’t know either one of you, I can’t advise you and certainly would never tell you what to do. I am just asking the both of you to discuss this with someone you truly admire and trust to fully understand if you can get over this uncomfortable feeling and see where it is coming from.

    #1034066

    dunno
    Member

    aries2756

    In no way does your post annoy me. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Obviously Hashem hasn’t told me who my bashert is. I am searching for him based on the qualities that I desire in a husband. Yes, height is an issue for me. There are MANY great short guys out there who lots of girls will be very lucky to get. However, it’s something that bothers me and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

    #1034067

    miritchka
    Member

    Aries2756:I have a question on your post. The first few thoughts that jumped into my head while reading your post was:

    1) does this mean that a girl/boy cant express what s/he is more attracted to?

    2) is one supposed to go out with every girl/boy redt to him/her cuz it may be their bashert?

    3) isnt the fact that girls/boys have these (sometimes unreasonable) “requirements” part of the plan Hashem has? Sometimes its not bashert for someone to get married until later adn these “requirements” are Hashems way of making sure that this person marries his/her bashert at the bashert time, no?

    #1034068

    aries2756
    Participant

    No Miri, you don’t have to go out with everyone redt to you, but if you find that you are dating for years and “si geit nisht” (it is not going anywhere) then maybe it is time to take a look at your list of requirements and realize that rarely does anyone get what is on their lists because that is not what Hashem takes into consideration when HE matches people up. Ask anyone you know if they got what they had on their list. Obviously there are things that SHOULD be a deal breaker and those are your values and hashkofos, those are things you should never compromise on. Other things you will realize are not that important in the scheme of life. That’s all I am saying. How important are those things today that were so very important to you when you were 16? Your opinion on certain things will change with age and maturity and certain things will remain the same because they are part and parcel of who you are. Some of the things that will change can and will be who and what you are attracted to as with style and fashion. Some of the things that will not change or will not change much are values and hashkofos because they are really a part of you. They may get stronger and hopefully not weaker but that is really what you are looking to match up on. The other things are more superficial. You are not going to look for someone with blue eyes because you have blue eyes, or someone with brown hair because you are partial to brown hair.

    My son swore he would never date a redhead and he actually turned down many shidduchim with redheaded girls. Guess who he married? A beautiful redhead! I told you, Hashem has a very interesting sense of humor! What’s meant to be is just meant to be.

    I wish all of you mazal and bracha and that you should all find the right one at the right time!

    #1034069

    miritchka
    Member

    aries2756,

    I’m sorry if i wasnt clear, I’m married for a couple of years now, b”h. When I read your comment though, these questions just flew into my head. You see, i try to dabble in shidduchim when i can and when the parties start asking me certain quesitons and listing their requirements, i wish everyone – parents included – would have the seichel to see things the way you do…

    Thanks!

    #1034070

    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    SJSINNY says;

    ‘I find short men “half-men” – I can’t help it.

    As a poster mentioned, Reb Moishe was short, I think Reb Aron Kotler was short .

    edited

    #1034071

    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    Ok, allow me to rephrase the part cut out of my post.

    How do you explain voicing an opinion such as yours considering the Torah Giants that were mentioned? ( Rav Koppleman from Lucern is also short)

    #1034072

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    Attraction is an important part of marriage. Certain people find different traits attractive – height, weight, hair color, eye color…I’m human, so sue me.

    Height was not my only criteria. In fact, I met my husband on my own, so I didn’t actively reject anyone who was short. My husband is a true baal middos. He is an extremely wonderful, frum person.

    I didn’t realize I was supposed to find all Torah giants attractive. I thought I was meant to find my husband attractive.

    #1034073

    always here
    Participant

    eye color?!?!

    #1034075

    Aishes Chayil
    Participant

    SJS,

    No- you don’t have to find them attractive. However having said that, and considering the role they play in our lives, phrasing it the way you did, is very inappropriate!

    #1034077

    Im a very short guy.first me all i want un marry someone taller than me because i dont want tiny kids. does that make sense. second of all do girls marry boys who are shorter than them. and also do you know anyone like that and are happy.stories welcome.

    #1034078

    business1
    Participant

    It makes sense to marry someone taller than you so your kids won’t be short. But really, everyone has more genes than just those from their parents. As a result, short couples can have average sized or even tall kids.

    And yeh, girls marry boys shorter than them. I have a neighbor whos tall and her husband is short and they have a whole bunch of kids and a very happy marriage

    #1034079

    Joseph
    Participant
    #1034080

    #1034081

    haifagirl
    Participant

    I dated a guy who was shorter than I, and he also had a slight disability. Neither of those was the reason it didn’t work.

    #1034082

    screwdriverdelight
    Participant

    why is there no shidduch crisis for tall girls?

    #1787814

    Toras Moshe
    Participant

    We’ve already discussed the tall girl shidduch crisis. Please see:

    https://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/the-tall-girl-shidduch-crisis

    #1787813

    MRUNDERSTOOD
    Participant

    I wonder if my story will help shed light on the differing sides of the fence.

    I am a 5″9 man and always wanted to marry a woman loads shorter than me (I know its normally the other way) due to some foolishness from my youth very hard to dislodge, but ended up marrying someone 5″7 (hence Hashem’s sense of humour quip!) Based on the comments made by Sac that COMFORT is a concern and wont go away once married, I can quite agree this is true from experience.

    But based on aries comment, especially HASHEM is not looking to pair Barbie with Ken! there’s a lot of emes in her words and her long post of this fetish eventually will go cos its superficial, I also believe is true. And the COMFORT thing for EITHER a man or a woman dating some1 similar height or if the man’s smaller
    does seem more of a insecurity problem.

    Without wanting to change this to a mental health thread, I find myself “checking” my wife’s height daily to see if the small gap I have is good enough even though Id like it to be more. With a large family now, I also find I can only learn better when shes not around but in her presence do feel this discomfort which affects my learning. I have divorce thoughts constantly.

    Although Id like it to be true that its just superficial, why does it bother me so much?

    #1788039

    rational
    Participant

    It bothers you so much either because:
    1. You are trolling, or:
    2. You need serious psychotherapy

    #1788185

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    Once again, why was this old thread bumped in the first place?

    To some people height is important to others, not. to me it wasn’t an issue.

    #1788552

    Nechomah
    Participant

    I don’t agree with what rational says that you need serious psychotherapy, but I do highly recommend going for a few visits to see if you can figure out what your wife’s height represents to you and why it makes you feel inferior in some way. If all else is good in your marriage, then having thoughts of divorce is not proper. For sure they’re not healthy.

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