how to say thank you?

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  • #599127
    workinonit
    Member

    ok u guys might think this is rlly weird but i find it rly rly rly hard to say thank you to my parents.. like if my mom cooks dinner i cant find it in me so just say thank you.. idk wats wrong wtih me!! to every1 else im fine i can do it just not to my parents..

    #809338
    aries2756
    Participant

    Are you too shy to say “thank you” to your parents? Or do you think what they do for you is coming to you? Do you tell your parents that you love them? Here is a little trick you can use to work on this, seriously I am not joking about this.

    Stand in front of the mirror, you can hang a picture of your mom or dad in the corner of the mirror, and just do it. Practice it. “That was really good, thanks mom.” “That was nice of you, thanks dad.” Seriously, it will get easier if you hear yourself doing it.

    #809339
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    That’s great that you realize that you should be thanking them!

    Would it be easier for you to write those words on a note and leave them near your mom’s purse/dad’s tfillin?

    #809340
    WIY
    Member

    Workinonit

    Don’t think about it. Just do it force yourself. When it comes to these types of things you must force yourself to do it. You must break through that blockage with action. Think afterwards. I also had that awkwardness but I forced myself to do it because when it comes to doing what’s right we have to do it no matter how unpleasant it may feel. Ironically the more we think about it the less probable we are to do it. Once you have an idea in your head to do something positive, the smartest thing to do is act as soon as possible to make it a reality. Thinking can often be procrastination. There’s nothing more to think about. Imagine you were being paid a $1000 for every thank you and compliment you give your mother. I don’t think that you would be caught up by the awkwardness. You would do it with a smile. Training yourself to be a mentsh and showing appreciation is worth much more than the money. You make yourself into someone who appreciates which is a trait that will take you very far in life and will allow you to have good relationships and a happy marriage. Just do it!

    #809341
    workinonit
    Member

    ahh i dont know im soo not like that though!! uch i just find it hard to say… ofcourse im appreciative and i dont think things r just ocming to me but i dont knwo how to do it

    #809342
    aries2756
    Participant

    workinonit, didn’t your parents make you say “thank you” while you were growing up? Shouldn’t that come automatically?

    #809343
    WIY
    Member

    Workinonit

    Say “Mommy,” (and when she looks at you and says “yes” say) “Thank you for the delicious dinnersupperlunch…”

    p.s. Make sure she is sitting down lol

    #809344
    workinonit
    Member

    aries- ya it should but it doesnt cuz wen i say words i dont just spit them out automatically i actually think bout what i say before i say it and sometimes im to scared

    WIY- i just cant i dont know why, i wish i could

    #809345
    WIY
    Member

    Workinonit

    Not that its my business but if its that scary to say thank you to your mother its likely that there is some issues with the relationship. You shouldn’t be so scared of complimented your mother.

    #809346
    ronrsr
    Member

    There are other ways of saying thanks, too, that will have the same meaning to your parents.

    Try: i am so glad you’re my parent; i am very lucky to be your child; I received the best parents possible.

    #809347
    bombmaniac
    Participant

    thats because you are a bum and a kafuy tov. go to chofetz chaim and learn some mussar.

    #809348
    workinonit
    Member

    thanks, appreciate that.

    #809349
    kapusta
    Participant

    You want to say thank you and can’t or you mean you don’t feel you should say it at all?

    For dinner, you can say “that was really good”, and your mother will understand what you mean.

    *kapusta*

    #809350
    smilenow
    Member

    wow, you are right, i do not understand and can not relate to that feeling… however, what i do want to say is that it may seem weird but a person is shaped according to his actions-adam niphal kephi peulasuv- its an amazing idea that if you do an outward action it can really change you as a person. therefore, if you are finding it hard to feel the hakaras hatov to you parents- it may help to just say the thank yous- even if they are empty- and after time you will see that you will really feel that way ( not only act it)! Hatzlacha Rabah!

    #809351
    WIY
    Member

    Bombmaniac

    A little harsh unless its an inside joke.

    #809352
    welldressed007
    Participant

    talking as a parent, we give, gave and will give I”YH unconditionally to our children. Stop making everything so conditional!!!!!!!!!!!

    #809353
    bombmaniac
    Participant

    yeah i was trolling…i can understand the difficulty in saying thank you to a parent. there are a lot of mixed feelings at play. like the idea that they owe you anyway so why should you thank them? do you thank a debtor for paying up? does a landlord thank a tenant for paying rent?

    then theres the part where they sometimes have to punish you which can create some subconscious feelings of anger (to a degree) keven though a child may really love their parents they might find it hard to thank their parent)

    then theres the fact that thanking someone is being submissive and teens are usually rebellious…there are a whole bunch of factors.

    theres more, but i just woke up so im tired.

    #809354

    Maybe if you realize and reflect how lucky you are to have such parents, you will find it easier to say thank you to them. Our relationship with our parents is like our relationship with Hashem. Hashem iis also our parent, and we are also supposed to thank him for everything that He gives us.

    Parents love their children unconditionally,and will always give to them (Just like Hashem loves and always gives to us.) It is a good middah to learn how to thank them. I was learning over shabbos in a sefer, Tiv Haemunah by Rav Gamliel Rabinovitch. He talks about how everything you receive is from Hashem. So why do we thank people for things if they were just the stick in Hashems hands? Chazal say that one is who ungrateful for the goodness he receives from a friend is tantamount to being ungrateful for the goodness bestowed upon from Hashem. Why though? Wasnt the person just a glove of HKB”H? Because we live in a physical world, we see observe and comprehend things on a physical level. So when we see with our own eyes that someone did something for us, we need to show our hakaras hatov. But we must also raelize that he was a messenger, so we need to thank Hashem as well. They are an emissary of HKBH.

    If you start thanking them, once, twice, three times, it will get easier and even help you on a higher level as well 🙂

    #809355
    workinonit
    Member

    for all of you who gave me advice, thanks. ok i just want 2 make 1 thing clear that maybe i didnt explain so well, i am VERY thankful for all tht my parents do and to all who just made fun of me and rid me off as a bum, im just very emotionally messed up i guess, and ur comments made me feel worse than i originally felt, its not like im some needy little child tht expects everything to be handed to me, its just thrs some unhealthy emotions i have with my parents tht make it hard 4 me to say thank you. i know its not healthy but i dont need to hear tht, i need advice, so to all who gave advice thanks again.

    #809356
    aries2756
    Participant

    What makes you feel so scared? Many times the emotion is so much bigger than the truth. Is it possible to talk about your fear?

    #809357
    workinonit
    Member

    i dont know whats causing the fear or what im afraid of thats probably the problem.

    #809358
    workinonit
    Member

    is it possible to be afriad of ppl thinking im nice?

    #809359
    aries2756
    Participant

    Don’t you want people to think and believe your nice? Is there something wrong with being nice? Do your parents NOT think that you are nice?

    #809360
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    didn’t your parents make you say “thank you” while you were growing up? Shouldn’t that come automatically?

    Yes, but what is the point of an automatic thank you.

    #809361
    workinonit
    Member

    popa- ha thats exactly what i said 🙂 so THANKS!!

    aries- i dont know its a baseless fear i guess, i rly dont know i just think that my parents r so used to me being this way tht im scared to change tht image they have

    #809362
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    popa- ha thats exactly what i said 🙂

    Sorry, I didn’t really read the thread.

    #809363
    aries2756
    Participant

    workinonit, please understand people change all the time, even at my age. We are always but a work in progress always trying to improve and reach for higher madreigos. We are always changing and improving in some ways. No one stays the same, firstly that would be boring, secondly that is NOT what Hashem wants of us. WE are always learning new things, form shiurim, from one and other, from reading, from new mephorshim that are presenting. We are not stagnant people. We all change and we all keep evolving. So in a sense we all grow and we all change especially teenagers. Every day is a new experience and everyday you are supposed to grow and surprise your parents with something new about you.

    Don’t worry, they are expecting new and different surprises every day. It is ok to surprise them. You are NOT the first teen to do that. Please surprise them, with “thank you’s” and “I love you’s” Surprise them by doing the dishes, surprise them with having new friends. Surprise them with leaving notes for them telling them you appreciate them, or just telling them about your day. Parents love these little surprises. OK? Maybe they will surprise you as well. Maybe you will find a $10 bill under your pillow. Wouldn’t that be a nice surprise?

    #809364
    kylbdnr
    Member

    My parents never tell me they love me and neither do they hug me or whatever…they think I’m weird for hugging my friends…I feel weird telling them I love them too but when they make supper or something I tell them thank you…It comes automatic…I just don’t feel close to them or my siblings…

    #809365
    WIY
    Member

    Bombmaniac

    I won’t analyze everything you said but this needs explanation: “like the idea that they owe you anyway so why should you thank them?”

    Your parents owe you nothing. They gave you life and everything you have. There is no way to repay a parent for all they have done, carrying you 9 months in the womb, feeding you overtime you were hungry. Changed your diapers when you were dirty. Took you to the doctor when you were sick. Held your hand when you were scared and calmed your fears. Put you in school and paid for your education. There’s so many things to be thankful for. Even if your parents weren’t or aren’t the best parents, just for giving you life you have so much to be thankful to them for.

    #809366
    workinonit
    Member

    kylbdnr- YESS sameee. my parents rnt the mushy type either so i guess i feel weird being mushy with them. ya so im gonna try to say thank u, i cant guarentee ill feel so much passion or w/e but im deff thankful… ya i dont feel so close to my parents to be honest, but the thing is i didnt know tht was weird untill a week ago. cuz i went to a bunch of friends houses and they all have such good relatinoships with thr parents, thr so repsectful and they actually talk about stuff.. i never od tht with my parents, but i thoguht every1 was like me i guess i was worng

    #809367
    bombmaniac
    Participant

    i didnt say it was justified…i just said that it could be a possible reason

    #809368
    kylbdnr
    Member

    My parents aren’t either the type I can talk about whatever’s on my mind…that’s why I have friends…

    #809369
    workinonit
    Member

    kylbdnr- ha i get u i get u.

    #809370
    aries2756
    Participant

    workinonit and kylbdnr, sometimes when you are teenagers, parents think you need yours space and you don’t want to be hugged anymore. They are afraid that you will push them away. If you need a hug, please don’t be afraid to ask for it, and even demand it if you have to. You are entitled to be hugged by your parents. Tell them I said so, ok? 🙂

    #809371
    workinonit
    Member

    aries- its rly not like tht thoguh, my parents were just never the type

    #809372
    oomis
    Participant

    Many people have trouble expressing their emotions, but a simple thanks, I appreciate what you did, is easy to say. You might feel it comes across as “phony” or uncharacteristic, ebcause you don’t generally do it, but if you make yourself say the wors, after a while it will come naturally to you.

    Look at it this way – if you cannot express hakoras hatov to your own parents and mean it, how can you do so to Hashem?

    #809373
    kylbdnr
    Member

    It’s not only me they don’t hug it’s my younger siblings too…and I know it’s because they think it’s gross… Like I said, they think it’s funny that I hug my friends but I think my friends know more about me than my parents do and that’s why I let my friends set me up with a guy instead of my parents…my parents don’t know what I’m like and don’t know which kind of boy I wanted.

    #809374
    ronrsr
    Member

    Just because my “thank you” is automatic does not mean that it is not sincere.

    Thank you all for reading my post.

    #809375
    WIY
    Member

    kylbdnr

    If I had to guess I would say your parents are probably not American and were brought up in an environment vastly different than the one you grew up in. They probably grew up in the kind of house where their parents also didn’t hug much. The warm hugginess is very much an American thing. On the other hand you should know that there are people who don’t like touching or being touched but can still be very warm loving people. There are people who are overly touchy and their hugs and kisses are meaningless. If someone hugs everyone they meet how much will you value the hug?

    #809376
    aries2756
    Participant

    Everyone is entitled to be hugged by their parents. If you need it, go get it. They might not realize it and you have to open their eyes. Many people were brought up in cold environments especially after the war. Some parents were extremely affectionate and some were afraid to be because they were afraid they would lose those they loved too much. Don’t lose out. I had a very shy client that lacked self esteem and self confidence. She could barely speak up and tell me what was bothering her. A lot had to do with her relationship with her mother. I told her the same thing. I told her if she needed a hug from her mother she should ask for it. She did. Her mother was so shocked but of course accommodated. She said her mother cried. She didn’t even realize that they weren’t hugging and that her daughter needed it so badly. Her other kids were NOT like that.

    B”H that girl is married today with children.

    #809377
    Toi
    Participant

    sometimes kids cant express their gratitude to their parents because its so overwhelming and al encompassing. it also can lead to resentment because the child feels so indebted to the parent; theres no way to adequately express themselves and so they kind of end up being distant so as not to feel like they owe so much. that could be a pshat here even if you dont think so.

    im a shtick physcologist, what?!

    #809378
    kylbdnr
    Member

    believe it or not, she said she won’t even hug me on my wedding day.

    WIY you’re right. They’re not American. They’re israeli.

    #809379
    brotherofurs
    Participant

    Kylbdnr- I feel like crying 🙁 thank u for making me realize how lucky I am that my parent know about me, like i never thanked Hashem for that! I’m sorry- am I just making u feel worse? I really hope u can still have a good relationship with ur parents even without the mushy stuff, and u know ur probably lucky in other ways , like u probably get into less arguments if u talk to them less 🙂

    Workinonit- I also sometimes have this prob , but it IS much easier in writing , so maybe do what a lot of posters suggested and write little cards , or keep saying thank u and maybe it’ll get easier, – this is what I do;)

    #809380
    TheGoq
    Participant

    “B”H that girl is married today with children.”

    Yes because if they were single their life would be worthless?

    #809381
    mewho
    Participant

    please and thank you are two phrases to teach your children when they are little

    #809382
    kylbdnr
    Member

    My dad hugged me today…for the 1st time since I remember…I went to my room after and cried 😉

    #809383
    workinonit
    Member

    thats so cute 🙂 im so happy 4 u :)!!!! to b honest i wouldnt want my father to hug me.. i know tht sounds rly bad but i just dont look at him like tht, obviously i respect them and all of tht but thts the extent of my relationship to my father..

    #809384
    cinderella
    Participant

    first of all workinonit (or wtvr) ur so not emotionally messed up. i went thru like almost the same thing. i felt weird being mushy like saying i love you and things like that. i can’t really offer advice cuz i have no idea what i did to change that. it just happened. now i hug and kiss my mom every night b4 i go to bed and i tell her how much i love her and vice versa- i’m not up to that with my dad yet tho. so i guess i can just give u chizuk and tell u that ur not the only one who is like that.

    #809385
    workinonit
    Member

    cinderella- thanks tht actually means a lot to know tht im not crazy! ya im a little better with my mom its just with my dad i cant do tht cuz he just does things i dont approve of or respect i mean ofcourse i still respect him cuz i have 2 ofcourse but its just idk i dont exactly look up 2 him..

    #809386
    kylbdnr
    Member

    I think my dad for sure saw this thread somehow…he never hugged me…

    Maybe because he just left for vacation till Monday

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