We can’t thank you enough for all that you always do for us. Living here in Eretz Yisroel has given us the most amazing opportunities and we can never be makir tov enough for you allowing this to happen. Both physically and emotionally, the support you give us is always appreciated. We know it’s not always easy and we most definitely never take it for granted.
Baruch HaShem in today’s day and age, we are able to stay in touch so easily. We are able to speak to you daily and show you pictures and videos of our children within minutes after they’re taken. We are so excited to be able to stay connected to you even from here.
However, these opportunities come with a serious risk which is why we are writing this. You see, along with the ability to always be accessible comes the feeling that we must therefore always be that accessible. The difference between a convenience and inconvenience can just be how often you feel the need to use that convenience.
For example, we love being able to send you pictures and videos of our family, because as a parent we want to keep you updated on our lives. However, if when we meet your friends they tell us how much they loved seeing those things that we sent to you (and you in turn sent to them) we get the feeling that you don’t view these pictures with the sense of privacy and sentimental value with which we send them, but rather as just another thing to forward as you would to with a good joke or recipe. But after therefore sending you fewer things, you get insulted why we didn’t send you certain pictures.
We love that we get to see you face to face daily. But did you ever think what feeling you give your son or son in law when he comes from Shachris, Seder, and Mariv and each time his wife quickly hangs up the phone because he came home? Must you call first thing in the morning so you can see to your child before you go to bed even though you know they are probably still in bed? How will our child learn to not feel the need to be on the screen often as we are trying to teach him if he spends a minimum of a few hours a day on the screen so you can see the new word he learnt? And if supper is the only time we actually get to spend alone time together, is the fact that you’re in the store and see a skirt I might like that much of an emergency that you feel the need to call three times until I answer?
Allow us to clarify – we love you more than anything and we realize and feel the love behind all of these things. But we want to feel respected as a couple as well. If I didn’t get a chance to call you today yet, do you think it was on purpose as a sign of hatred? Maybe is it possible that today was just a crazy day and between school, errands, being a mother/father, husband/wife, I just didn’t get a chance yet? Must you send me a text “how come you didn’t call me – I miss the baby so much I didn’t see him today”? We value your advice so much and cherish it more than anything else. But what makes wisdom as valuable as pearls is that they have to be as rare as them. If you give your opinion on whether my side dish goes with my main, if my child’s (or mine) clothing matches, and why I didn’t call my friend yet today, your well meant advice for the things that matter become meaningless.
I once heard a shalom bayis expert say at a shiur that most issues these days is because the two sets of parents have very different beliefs. Is that really what we’ve come to? That a couples issues are defined by how the parents are affected by it? Think back to all the couples of yesteryear you know with good shalom bayis. Are we expected to believe that the common denominator between them all is that there parents were on the same page? Even if that was a true statement, do we really think that’s what caused it?
We write this now because I the coming weeks we will have to make a decision what to do for Yom Tov. Do we take on the challenges of doing it on our own here without parents, kashering an apartment and not getting to get the long awaited family warmth that we’ve been waiting so long for? Or do we go back and face the possibility of a different challenge – to rotate in different basements for a few months with independence and privacy almost non existent? Both require sacrifices and challenges but can be carried out if we as a couple decide to weather the storm and be there for each other as a couple and grow from it. We beg you, please allow us the sensitivity and confidence to make this decision without making us feel guilty if you disagree. Maybe the decision will be a mistake , but that will be our mistake to make together and grow from together.
We love you so much and want you to only have nachas and joy from us. We want to make you proud as a couple but also want to have the ability to be a couple and travel the road that we build for ourselves with the bricks we have gotten for you. Please know that we want you to be so apart of our lives but that we can have the confidence to make decisions and that you trust us to do it.
With all our love,
Your couple in Eretz Yisroel
NOTE: The views expressed here are those of the authors and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views of YWN.
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