How to Deal with a Request for a Shidduch Picture

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  • #614804

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    So, my great granddaughter is graduating H.S. soon, and b”H the shadchanim are calling.

    My granddaughter tells me that one boy sounds very interesting. He went to all the right yeshivos (Brisk), is a big masmid, a big lamdan, has good middos, and most importantly, his father, who is a big Rosh Hayeshiva, is very wealthy, so my grandchildren will only have to put down $400k instead of the usual $500k.

    Here’s the issue. Since he’s such a big masmid, he doesn’t want to waste his time on a shidduch that isn’t nogeia l’maaseh, and he’s makpid on looks, l’shem shomayim of course. Plus, his mother wants to be able to show off her kallah to all her friends. So, they’re asking for a picture. Problem is, I’m b’shittah against it (ayein other threads), and my granddaughter and her husband agree.

    Here’s the kuntz – if they say, “That’s not your daughter, that’s so-and-so!”, we’ll know it’s not for us. We don’t want to get involved with a family so steeped in goyish culture, r”l!

    If they go ahead with it, great, and if they say, “Hey, that wasn’t her in the picture!”, they’ll just answer, “We told you the picture doesn’t do our daughter justice!”.

    What do you think?

    #1136483

    the plumber
    Member

    Midvar sheker tirchak

    #1136484

    just because
    Member

    I think… you’re not an 80 year old! LOL

    #1136485

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Plumber: I told her to find a celebrity who looks similar to her.

    Just because: Do you know me?

    #1136487

    Rema711
    Member

    Daas Yochid I would be interested in marrying ur great-grand daughter, if things don’t work out of course

    #1136488

    just because
    Member

    DY, u think I do?

    #1136489

    Joseph
    Participant

    No celebrity is tznius, so any photo you send will be lifnei iver.

    #1136490

    oomis
    Participant

    Chag Purim is coming soon.

    #1136491

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    JB, well, you seem to think you know how old I am. 🙂

    Lior, photoshopped, of course. My wife works for Hamevaser. In fact, our original plan was to have them send a photo with my great granddaughter entirely photoshopped out, but I don’t think it’ll work.

    Oomis, precisely, which means the freezer is opening, hence the urgency.

    #1136493

    the plumber
    Member

    Lior

    Maybe if her great grandfather is lying its mevarer that it might not be lifnei iver…

    #1136494

    Joseph
    Participant

    If you’re photoshopping anyways, you don’t need a celebrity photo. Just start out with her own photo and photoshop out her baldspots, all her birthmarks, wrinkles, pimples, dimples and thin out her stomach by taking off 150 pounds.

    #1136495

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    No, Lior, we’re not sending out your picture, we’re sending out a picture of our great granddaughter.

    #1136496

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Since when does a celebrity have Chein?

    #1136498

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    Let me know where you can find a tznius celebrity photo. I’ve never seen one. Great Gramps – In your day this question never came up because Mathew Brady could only take so many photos. Of course tznius wasn’t a problem back then.

    What do your shuffelboard players have to say about this?

    #1136499

    oomis
    Participant

    Haleivi – Shirley Temple did. Lots!

    #1136500

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    No, no, HaLeiVi, it’s the Yiddishe maidelach who have chein, which doesn’t always show up in pictures.

    Yaakov Doe, did you also know Mathew? Are the rumors about him true, that he would illegally deflate his camera to get better pictures?

    Two of the people who responded to this thread are in my shuffleboard chevra! I’m not telling you which ones, though. They also have great grandchildren to marry off.

    #1136502

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    DaasYochid -Everything that Mathew did was above board – no photo shopping or gimicks. The goshe maidlach have too much exposed to show chein.

    Don’t your shuffleboard players have any great or great great grandsons for you maidel? Knowing your yichus would make a photo unnecessary. They would marry her for the yichus (and your wealth) regardless of how she looked.

    #1136503

    charliehall
    Participant

    $400K??????

    #1136504

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    So you can understand why I’m so anxious to save 100k.

    (Actually:

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/boycotting-borsalino/page/2#post-554974)

    #1136506

    apushatayid
    Participant

    “because a picture doesn’t show chein”

    which is a good thing, since sheker hachein.

    #1136507

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    And what does it say about yofi?

    #1136509

    Outside of real Yeshivish circles, in the last few years, I havent seen a girl get a date, unless shes willing to give a picture, if asked. If the girl doesnt give a picture, they’ll find many other pretty great quality girls who will.

    Is it right? Maybe not. Lots of things in the world are wrong.

    If you feel so strongly about it, tell a well known R”Y to make a new Psak, and say its assur to ask for pictures.

    You only hurt yourself if you dont give a picture when asked. Unless you want to wait and wait and wait… which is not good.

    #1136510

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Okay, my first serious post on this thread:

    MSS, if that’s the case, then I suppose I’m in real yeshivish circles, because although it happens, it’s not the norm, and you’ve given me another reason to be glad that I’m in real yeshivish circles.

    #1136511

    DY,

    Whatever you call yourself- if any girl gets dates without offering a picture, whats the problem?

    If any girl doesnt get dates, its a problem.

    #1136512

    flatbusher
    Member

    Showing someone else’s picture is not dishonest? You say they’re not for you–well,, they could easily say you’re not for them, and if gets around, you may hurt her shidduch chances

    #1136513

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    MSS, if a girl can only get a date by doing something she’s uncomfortable with (for good reason), it’s also a problem. </seriousness>

    #1136514

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Flatbusher, that’s why I really preferred the total photoshop method, but we tried it once, and it didn’t work.

    As far as this getting around, I’m not worried. In our circles, it’s embarrassing to ask for a picture, so I don’t think they’ll tell anyone.

    #1136515

    OURtorah
    Participant

    Is your great granddaughter ready to get married- or is she being told shes ready- afterall she hasnt even graduated yet…

    #1136516

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    If she’s old enough to drive, she’s old enough to get married.

    #1136517

    OURtorah
    Participant

    Im glad you are equating taking caution of driving a car to raising a family, caring for a husband and having a job!

    Have you asked her if she is comfertable having her picture sent out to guys? Maybe she thinks its the right things to do…?

    #1136518

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    She’s not old enough to decide that. She’s only 17!

    #1136519

    At first, this would be l’maaseh a nafka minah if giving a picture is assur or ein roy l’asos (translation: Roy shouldn’t do it).

    If it is assur, then ein issur chal al issur. If not, then it’s an issur of sheker.

    However, after much hisboddus (translation: long work day), I think it is like this. The issur is to give your granddaughter’s picture, not another woman’s picture. And if you want to say it is being nikshal the people, that is only on the tzad they don’t recognize the person – because if they do then they have internet and know celebrities and lifnei es deightee there is no issur and it will be mavir if the shidduch is bad – a tzroech gadol. And even if they don’t recognize the photo, therefore a potential nikshal of seeing the picture, there is no problem of lifnei ever because maybe they are being somech that giving pictures is only not fitting, not mamish an issur.

    Therefore, you have to what to rely on cosidering the hefsid meruabah. B’frat, your granddaaughter is in time of the shidduch crisis -so it’s a horaas shaa. M’stama. About the din sheker, some say that since photoshoping is so common then like parve creamer with chicken it loses the issue.

    Another point added in another thread is if what is usually considered trolling is allowed from Tu B’shevat or only until Purim. Even if allowed, from when? Considering, DY posted this 22 hours ago b’erech 8:30-9pm EST that is Tu B’Shevat even on the west coast it’s after shkiyah. However, in Hawaii – it was still the 14th of Shevat. The question is it based on the poster or since a forum is accessible in the whole world – every place must be tu b’shevat. Accordingly, DY might still have the din of a troll. But the olam seems mekal from Rosh Chodesh Shevat – relying on the opinion of Bais Shammai.

    #1136520

    OURtorah
    Participant

    DY- I sincerely hope this whole thread is a joke then 🙂

    #1136521

    interjection
    Participant

    Outside of real Yeshivish circles, in the last few years, I havent seen a girl get a date, unless shes willing to give a picture, if asked. If the girl doesnt give a picture, they’ll find many other pretty great quality girls who will.

    I’m far from yeshivish and when I was in shidduchim, between 2-3 years ago, I was even further from yeshivish. I refused to send in a picture. All my more yeshivish friends sent in pictures because they were afraid of staying single forever but I told the shadchanim if the guy cannot go on a date without seeing a picture first then I’ll find someone else. I refused to degrade myself by reducing my worth to a picture. Besides, even if the guy would get the picture and say no to a date, there’s no guarantee that he’s getting rid of the picture.

    I’m married now btw. I met my husband through a shadchan who recommended I send in a picture.

    #1136522

    nfgo3
    Member

    I want to know how the Rosh Yeshiva got his money (other than from Hashem).

    #1136523

    TheGoq
    Participant

    DY you make an excellent part time troll, congrats in this very funny thread.

    #1136525

    yaakov doe
    Participant

    The bochor should be asking for a picture of the girl’s mother so that he’ll know what the girl will look like in 17-20 years.

    #1136527

    yehudayona
    Participant

    Why stop at the mother? He should ask for a picture of Mrs. DY, the great grandmother. Or better yet, all four great grandmothers.

    #1136528

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Interjection, I’m with you, but FYI, some shadchanim will get a photo, and will not forward it, but show it in person (granted, this is trickier for a long distance shidduch).

    #1136529

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Nfgo3, how else if not from Hashem??

    #1136530

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Goq, tyvm.

    #1136531

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    YD and YY, I left out part of the story. Let’s just say that Photoshop does a lot more than just cropping…

    #1136532

    apushatayid
    Participant

    Yofi is in the eyes of the beholder.

    #1136533

    a mamin
    Participant

    All kidding aside: Any recommendations for a mother who’s son won’t consider a shidduch till he sees a pic??

    #1136534

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    What would happen if you told him that you won’t be party to such a thing? Would he never get married, would he pursue shidduchim on his own, or would he acquiesce?

    #1136535

    a mamin
    Participant

    He would either get a picture on his own or he won’t go into the shidduch.

    #1136536

    you ain’t old enough to have a great granddaughter on the shelf!!!

    anyway pictures are narishkeiten!!! i would send a picture of a stranger (whats a celebrity?;-))

    #1136537

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Why, how old do I look?

    #1136538

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    A mamin, have you tried discussing your objections?

    #1136539

    Little Froggie
    Participant

    DY:

    I’m TOTALLY with you on this one. (maybe others too, I don’t live HERE the way I used to..)

    People, when starting out on shidduchim always quote the gemarrah “whoever marries for money etc…”, and then they quickly forget there is a Ribbono Shel Olam, and turn the process into a street market bargaining affair. How one side could get the most money… How much each (precious) bachur is “worth”. Get that! We’re not dealing with people, personalities, it’s all a financial assessment. What the Gemarah says about a ben chorin – ayn lo damim – suddenly applies no more!!! This (again, Tiereh) bocher is worth $1,000,000, to apply submit a photo of the other (nebach) object… will assess the financial portfolio…

    I have but one word for it – FEH!!

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