February 6, 2015 2:21 pm at 2:21 pm #1136540
Oh, my, this is embarrassing. I was doing a CR search (searching for the word Brisker, of course), and I found this thread, and it turns out that my great granddaughter does have internet access.
If you’re reading this, mein tier’eh einikle, please don’t tell Mommy, Tatty, Bubby and Zaidy who I am.February 6, 2015 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #1136541
Purim really IS coming!!!!!!!February 7, 2015 11:48 pm at 11:48 pm #1136542LovelymeMember
Seriously just say you don’t want to or just give one anyway! If they find out you lied it will be worseFebruary 8, 2015 5:00 am at 5:00 am #1136543a maminParticipant
DY: it’s a very painful subject for me, am I the only parent here who’s son doesn’t accept any parental
Opinion??February 8, 2015 5:50 am at 5:50 am #1136546
L’maaseh, at this point, you can’t expect him to “accept” your opinion simply because it’s your opinion. The best you can do is have an honest conversation, express your opinion and the reasons for it, and try convincing him.February 11, 2015 4:47 am at 4:47 am #1136547ExcellenceParticipant
The Talmud says those who marry for money will have unworthy children. Money should not be any consideration in a shidduch. Anything could happen at any moment – the poor could earn their merit and become wealthy. The rich could lose what they have. Don’t the gedolim warm not to rejoice too much – who knows what your aveiras could cause to happen next week.
Speaking of which, are you mad?
This $400k dollar marriage startup, were you joking? Were you serious? You would spend a vast fortune like that? There is a man in my community who can’t work a job. He’s starving for food each week. You can see he is a reincarnation and that’s his punishment – might have been a slanderer or arrogant last lifetime. But now, he is completely and utterly dependent on people’s charity. And I heard he’s doing chemo now so where is he going to eat?
And you would spend hundreds of thousands. Please tell me you were only joking….
If not… They say the test of wealth is harder than the test of poverty.
As for the son of a Rosh Yeshiva, well… so what. You don’t know what favour a simple unassuming man has in the regard of Heaven. Appearances are nothing. I have seen Torah scholars with shirts tucked out, or putting a chumash under a siddur, or flicking a sefer closed instead of gently closing it. And I have seen women in mini pants asking when a meat dinner is because she had pizza for lunch.
The best to look for is not necessarily education but middos – does he offer hospitality, does he have anger inside him or is he quick to forgive? These are a man inside his heart. Knowledge and familial connection are external and superficial.
And what’s this RUBBISH about showing off a pic to the family?! Gossip? Talking about someone behind their back? The Chofetz Chaim has volumes to say about that. Are those women bored with their time? The conversation will be banal and devarim bateilim. Empty talk.
And of course you give the dating man a pic of the lady. They swap pics of each other. That’s normal.February 11, 2015 4:55 am at 4:55 am #1136548ExcellenceParticipant
Sigh… Does no one read the Tanach? Don’t we learn from the Book of Kings – Chizkiyahu Hamelech Hatzadik – not to show off your treasures? To be quiet and discreet. The Chassan’s or kalla’s pic is no one’s business other than each other’s.
You think I am chumra? Makpid? Whatever I said is the societal norm.February 11, 2015 6:10 am at 6:10 am #1136549
The Talmud says those who marry for money will have unworthy children. Money should not be any consideration in a shidduch.
See ??”? ???”? ??’ ?”? who says it’s fine, as long as she’s not ????? ??.
This $400k dollar marriage startup, were you joking?
Yeah, I know, sounds very cheap for such a metzuyan, but as I explained, his father is wealthy.
As for the son of a Rosh Yeshiva, well… so what. You don’t know what favour a simple unassuming man has in the regard of Heaven.
Right, so since we have no idea either way, we might as go for kavod.
And I have seen women in mini pants asking when a meat dinner is because she had pizza for lunch.
I can assure you, that was NOT my great granddaughter!
The best to look for is not necessarily education but middos – does he offer hospitality, does he have anger inside him or is he quick to forgive?
Of course that’s also important! If you’d have read the entire thread, you’d have noticed that I mentioned that he has good middos. After all, what would people say if our great granddaughter married someone who didn’t?
And what’s this RUBBISH about showing off a pic to the family?!
Yes, we’re also against it, that’s why we sent the wrong picture. Tee hee.
And of course you give the dating man a pic of the lady. They swap pics of each other. That’s normal.
It may be normal for you, but it’s unacceptable in my family. Such superficiality! What do you think the Chofetz Chaim would say about that? Feh.February 12, 2015 10:03 pm at 10:03 pm #1136550Yserbius123Participant
Time #9823 that my wife almost murdered me:
Someone was asking about a shidduch for my sister. It was a “double shadchan” situation, where one shadchan knew my sister and the other knew some guy. The boys shadchan (not a professional, just a ba’alabusta) asked to email a picture. I sent her a smiley face I drew with the message “You trust me on her middos, surely you can trust me on her looks”.February 12, 2015 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #1136551shtusimParticipant
Send her baby picture. this way they can see what the Einikel will look like 🙂February 13, 2015 12:31 am at 12:31 am #1136552
Shtusin – GENIUS!!!!!!February 13, 2015 12:56 am at 12:56 am #1136553
Excellent trolling by Excellence. (I think.)February 13, 2015 2:05 am at 2:05 am #1136554
Shtusim, that’s a great idea! Oomis, can you send a picture of your granddaughter through the mods? I’m sure they’re all adorable.February 13, 2015 2:18 am at 2:18 am #1136555
(I mean your grandchildren are adorable, not the mods.)February 13, 2015 2:24 am at 2:24 am #1136556
I’m sure the mods are adorable, too. I have only one maideleh and three yingelech, so far. They are kinehora ALL adorable AND adored!February 13, 2015 2:37 am at 2:37 am #1136557
Appearances are nothing. I have seen Torah scholars with shirts tucked out, or putting a chumash under a siddur, or flicking a sefer closed instead of gently closing it.
The first “or” might have been a mistake. Either way, an untucked shirt
is apparently either supposed to be a sign of excellence or something on a level with putting a Chumash under a Siddur* or flicking a sefer closed instead of gently closing it.** I don’t like either of those options, so I’d prefer not to believe that post was sincere. (Actually, the second one doesn’t sound too far off.)
Don’t many Siddurim have the weekday leining in the back?
Is it still a problem to put such a Siddur on top of a Chumash?
Not bakavodik, to be sure, but how serious a violation
of halacha is it? (Also, familiarity breeds contempt, as they say…)March 9, 2015 5:33 pm at 5:33 pm #1136558
It’s only right that I update the CR on the situation. Also, I’m confused, maybe some of you can help me figure out what happened, because I can’t.
We sent the picture in (I’m not saying which celebrity it was, because it might give away my identity), all photoshopped to look like a BY girl, but the shidduch didn’t work out.
They said he already went out with her!! Can anyone offer a possible explanation?March 9, 2015 6:59 pm at 6:59 pm #1136559golferParticipant
Yes I can, DY.
He already went out with her.March 9, 2015 8:00 pm at 8:00 pm #1136560
Then he certainly wasn’t for my great granddaughter. I guess we dodged a bullet.
It just shows you the kind of boys who want pictures.March 10, 2015 6:04 am at 6:04 am #1136561cozimjewishMember
DaasYochid, just skimmed through this thread – since when do you troll?! (Not that you’re half-bad, btw 😉 )March 10, 2015 1:32 pm at 1:32 pm #1136562ironpenguinMember
You know how people say its a shidduch market? Markets work by supply and demand, and this is no different. Girls are in supply, boys are in demand. No one goes crazy over, “OMG, the chassan is so handsome!!, He’s a stunner! Wow, his suit is gorgeous!!, He has such a fantastic…..” No one does that, its just reality even though chassanim are an equal participant in the wedding. People want pretty girls, pretty is a commodity, just like money is. You ask what type of parnasah her parents have, makes sense you would ask for a picture also.March 10, 2015 1:47 pm at 1:47 pm #1136563ABS-SAParticipant
I think they should save some of the $400K for the divorce attorney!March 11, 2015 1:26 am at 1:26 am #1136564
I should have listened to shtusim and oomis.March 11, 2015 3:23 am at 3:23 am #1136565mybrotherMember
In my opinion its the shaddchanim who are so busy “selling girls” that they dont hesitate to lie to your face just so you’ll accept the date and waste Hours of your time… yea.. its those people you should be upset at…March 12, 2015 6:31 pm at 6:31 pm #1136566
“You trust me on her middos, surely you can trust me on her looks”.
I don’t think so. Middos (not personality, middos) are
an objective matter. The appeal of looks is subjective.March 12, 2015 10:50 pm at 10:50 pm #1136567
Middos, oddly enough, can also be a little subjective. Here is an example. A guy is a strong leader, self-assured, runs a business with seichel and confidence (not arrogance). His leadership ability is admired. A WOMAN does the very same thing – she is a tough cookie.
I have no love for Hillary Clinton. NONE. But from what I have heard on the news, what she did with her email account was also done by John Kerry (unless the reports really were grossly inaccurate), and there was no brouhaha over him. So I think that what is perceived as improper action (bad middah) by one, may not necessarily be viewed that way in someone else, who seems to get a pass.
And yes, there are CERTAIN traits that are inarguably good or bad middos.March 12, 2015 11:20 pm at 11:20 pm #1136568
Sigh…March 12, 2015 11:22 pm at 11:22 pm #1136569golferParticipant
Not “CERTAIN” traits, oomis, only one–
Me’od me’od hevei sh’fal ruach.
Other than that, find the middle ground.
But I digress. The subject was pictures. So I’m handing the floor back to you.December 3, 2015 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #1136570HashemisreadingParticipant
Daas Yochid can we please get back to our shuffleboard?December 6, 2015 6:16 am at 6:16 am #1136571
(I think what I meant was that I was writing about relying on a description. Someone’s middos can be described, and you then know
what their middos are (so far as the information was accurate),
but a description of looks isn’t nearly, if at all, as helpful.)December 7, 2015 12:22 am at 12:22 am #1136572nfgo3Member
Well, I think the opening post has given us a clue about the tuition crisis: a Rosh Yeshiva is a very wealthy person. Was it inherited money, or frugal living, or high compensation that made him wealthy?December 7, 2015 4:35 am at 4:35 am #1136573malei daas torahMember
i don’t need a pic, and only charge $300kFebruary 7, 2016 9:00 am at 9:00 am #1136574popa_bar_abbaParticipant
How is it any different than a driver’s license picture? You need a license to drive, and a license has a picture. You need a resume to date and a resume has a picture.February 7, 2016 12:49 pm at 12:49 pm #1136575JosephParticipant
You also need to give your social security number to get your drivers license.February 7, 2016 2:26 pm at 2:26 pm #1136576
How is it any different than a driver’s license picture?
If they looked the same as driver’s license pictures, and everyone needed them, nobody would go out.
You need a license to drive, and a license has a picture.
A license has a picture so that when the cop pulls you over, he knows it’s really you.
If you’re worried that you’ll end up going out with a different girl than described in the resume, I suppose you should ask for a picture.February 7, 2016 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm #1136577
How is it any different than a driver’s license picture? You need a license to drive, and a license has a picture. You need a resume to date and a resume has a picture. “
So Popa, now you want the GOVERNMENT involved in our shidduchim??????February 7, 2016 3:27 pm at 3:27 pm #1136578JosephParticipant
oomis: you do need a government license to get married…February 7, 2016 4:26 pm at 4:26 pm #1136579
Joseph, is there a picture on a marriage license?February 8, 2016 6:37 pm at 6:37 pm #1136580apushatayidParticipant
Do you need a government permit to date?
We have told shadchanim a number of times already, “no, no photo, our Rav quoting Rav dovid Feinstien Shlita says it is a horrible idea, if the fact that we listen to our Rav is a problem for the other side, then this is not a shidduch we are interested in”.February 9, 2016 4:49 am at 4:49 am #1136581147Participant
Go with the flow and supply a good photograph:- Remember:- A picture is worth 1000 words. It is this simple! Period!February 9, 2016 4:57 am at 4:57 am #1136582👑RebYidd23Participant
Just write a thousand word essay reflecting your many merits.February 9, 2016 5:59 pm at 5:59 pm #1136583apushatayidParticipant
A picture might be worth 1000 words, but if your teacher asked for a 1000 word essay and you turned in a picture you would get a zero.February 9, 2016 6:18 pm at 6:18 pm #1136584HashemisreadingParticipant
If you really need a picture you can look at the girls WhatsApp status pic.March 7, 2018 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #1484526🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
So there are now a whole bunch of WhatsApp shidduch groups and the like where resumes are sent out to hundreds of people all over the world. Besides wondering why someone would actually agree to do that with their daughter’s picture…I have no interest in sharing mine. I have worked with shadchanim who have said that it is perfectly acceptable to refuse but these groups were pretty insistent and said they won’t work with me.
So here’s the question. I don’t care if they won’t work with me, Hashem isn’t limited to phones and internet. But what if someone sends me a random resume they got off the group that they think would be great for my kid? If they won’t redt the shidduch can I just take the name elsewhere? Do they have copyright or something?March 7, 2018 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #1484558
IMHO refusing to give a picture is perfectly reasonable (and that’s an understatement). As long as you give the source of the resume the opportunity to redt the shidduch according to your terms, if they refuse, you can try to find someone else to redt it who will do it in a way you are comfortable with.March 7, 2018 10:58 pm at 10:58 pm #1484567👑RebYidd23Participant
It depends. If you’ve already arranged to meet, and you’re meeting in a public space, a picture can help you find the person you’re supposed to meet.March 8, 2018 8:49 am at 8:49 am #1484674
No need to send a picture. Just wear your Rebyidd costume.March 8, 2018 12:58 pm at 12:58 pm #1484936iacisrmmaParticipant
We have made 3 shidduchim without ever asking to see a photo of the girl. If asked for a photo of my daughter my response would be to ask for a photo of the boy.March 8, 2018 1:24 pm at 1:24 pm #1484972
Having a picture of the boy on his resume is not unheard of either.March 8, 2018 2:25 pm at 2:25 pm #1485005TheWizardParticipant
umm, can anyone explain why having a picture of the boy on his resume is merely not unheard of but having a picture of the girl on her resume is somewhere between common and expected? why the discrepancy??
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