May 16, 2014 12:20 pm at 12:20 pm #1216538
Which caused her to faint again.November 19, 2015 2:26 am at 2:26 am #1216539
Writersoul, where are you?
Gamanit, great installment.November 19, 2015 9:15 pm at 9:15 pm #1216541
Isn’t she in Ecuador? I thought I was following..November 19, 2015 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #1216542
Meanwhile in Peru:
Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones was no fool. Coffee was his business, but the real money came from his chain of fake Starbuckses in which he put “special flavors”–for a price.November 20, 2015 1:40 pm at 1:40 pm #1216543
However, being that it was almost Thanksgiving, Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones put artificial turkey spice in to his Starbuck coffee.November 20, 2015 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #1216544
Along with a secret ingredient.November 22, 2015 10:56 pm at 10:56 pm #1216545
Unbeknownst to him, but not to his grandmother’s cat, his little nephew, who lived in the coffee factory, was still awake.November 25, 2015 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #1216546
The cat lay awake, his big green eyes staring placidly at the door to the coffee factory. When suddenly..November 26, 2015 6:58 pm at 6:58 pm #1216547
Oh, no way, nobody told me this was back!
When suddenly… the door opened and a flood of artificial turkeys came charging in, screaming for revenge for their brethren sacrificed for the sake of seasonally flavored lattes.
(Oh, and Ecuador’s lovely this time of year, thanks for asking.)December 8, 2015 2:48 am at 2:48 am #1216548
The drink was recalled, but not before PETAAA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Artificial Avian Animals) got the local newspaper to portray Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones as an evil artificial turkey abuser. They also took away a talking toy parrot and seven rubber ducks.December 8, 2015 6:58 pm at 6:58 pm #1216549
when they looked down at the artificial rubber ducks in their hands, they noticed they were all red or green. They immediately tossed them all in to the Kivsan haeish.December 8, 2015 7:20 pm at 7:20 pm #1216550
So PETAAAAOO (People for the Ethical Treatment of Artificial Avian Animals Abused by Other Organizations) dived into the flames in fireproof suits to rescue them.December 9, 2015 2:12 pm at 2:12 pm #1216551
The green and red rubber ducks brushed themselves off, held their heads up high, and walked straight in to the closest Chanukah mesibah, with the PETAAAAOO (People for the Ethical Treatment of Artificial Avian Animals Abused by Other Organizations) at their heels.December 24, 2015 2:36 pm at 2:36 pm #1216552
Someone called PETAAAAOCTHAAAAOOO (People for the Ethical Treatment of Artificial Avian Animals Abused by Other Organizations Claiming To Help Artificial Avian Animals Abused by Other Other Organizations) and they all had a holiday party to celebrate their differences by debating what to do with the fake birds. Meanwhile, the ducks decided it was wrong of all the organizations to decide their fate for them and ran away. They and the parrot joined with a pair of mistreated lawn flamingos and a succah decoration bird to create the Artificial Avian Animal Aid Association, which helped others like them think for themselves.December 31, 2015 12:52 am at 12:52 am #1216553
But then a model Archaeopteryx started a controversy when it applied to volunteer.January 5, 2016 7:12 am at 7:12 am #1216554
As Artificial Avians all over the world united to protect their rights, some fringe groups broke the law.January 6, 2016 12:45 am at 12:45 am #1216555
I am totally lost at this point, but liked PETAAAAOCTHAAAAOOO .January 6, 2016 4:42 am at 4:42 am #1216556
Writersoul glanced at her computer to see where she was in this week’s installment. As she read about absurd acronyms and coffee flavoring, she could not figure out a way to shoehorn herself into this one.January 6, 2016 1:27 pm at 1:27 pm #1216557February 1, 2016 10:41 pm at 10:41 pm #1216558
As the avian population of the coffee room increased, some began to wonder how it would impact the presidential election.February 2, 2016 4:25 pm at 4:25 pm #1216559
The election began in earnest with the Iowa Caucuses. GOP front-runner Donald Trump seemed to have been negatively affected by the avian population, as he took second place. Meanwhile, others felt the Bern of the upstart Bernie Sanders, as he was neck-and-neck with Hillary Clinton and went to a virtual draw with Mrs. Clinton.February 2, 2016 6:17 pm at 6:17 pm #1216560
“GOP front-runner Donald Trump seemed to have been negatively affected by the avian population,”
Because he ate up all the turkeys. He tried to eat the bathtub but it wouldn’t go down his throat.February 3, 2016 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #1216561
The Queen called the Doctor, Donald Trump called the nurse. But in came Hillary Clinton with an alligator purse.February 3, 2016 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #1216562
The doctor is there to diagnose, the nurse is there to work with the doctor, but the lady with the alligator purse is just there to get paid.February 4, 2016 12:58 am at 12:58 am #1216563
Bar S. -“Children are a dime a dozen. And to quote Bill Cosby “I’ll kill you son, I can make another one that looks just like you.”
Here’s another one from B.C.- “Since I brought you into this world – I can take you out!”January 17, 2017 2:00 am at 2:00 am #1216564
Having successfully influenced the election and having had no other plans until that point, the Artificial Avian Animals traveled home to their new place in Taiwan. Meanwhile, Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones was stuck. All he knew was coffee–and “special flavors”. PETAAAAOCTHAAAAOOO had shut down his coffee business, leaving him nothing to do but plan. And plan he did.January 17, 2017 2:22 am at 2:22 am #1216565
After a brief brunch in Laos, the Artificial Avian Animals arrived in Taiwan only to find their artificially abandoned nests encrusted with rubber cement.
Meanwhile, Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones slipped right through another potential catastrophe. Lubricating himself with banana splits this time, pareve. He was quite giddy for his Eiffel Tower of Kentucky plans were speedily approved with flying colors.January 17, 2017 3:27 am at 3:27 am #1216566
Yet whatever he did, his mind kept going back to the thing he knew and loved best: coffee. He hadn’t had any since his business shut down. What wouldn’t he do for a simple mug of freshly brewed coffee? If not for his distrust and dislike of buying other peoples’ coffee, he might even have settled for pure Robusta bean coffee! He lay awake all night, thinking about single origin beans and French Press coffee makers. Then he realized that his plans must include coffee. And as for the special flavors, well, why not?January 18, 2017 12:34 am at 12:34 am #1216567
When Rivky woke up, she thought she haad gone blind. She could not see a thing. Then, after attempting to move her arms, she realized that she was at the bottom of a deep pit filled with plastic balls. She swam to the top, but she saw nothing but colorful plastic all around.January 18, 2017 2:59 am at 2:59 am #1216568
Rivky drank her coffee, savoring the special flavor that had been placed there by Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones. Little did she know that that particular special flavor had multiple reactions to the shidduch vaccine. She instantly developed the ability to read the minds of anyone who cooked, baked or otherwise prepared the food she ate. She also instantly developed an addiction to artificial turkey.
Meanwhile, Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones finally found out who his long-time pen pal was. It was Bereishes Ben Avraham. No wonder they had connected at first letter exchange. They were both coffee nerds. Though counterfeit Starbuckses are quite different from normal gourmet vegan cruelty-free coffee businesses, which could only lead to some violent debate.January 18, 2017 3:28 am at 3:28 am #1216569
All violent debates aside, Rivky just couldn’t figure out what to wear to the presidential exacerbation. All she had was her white artificial Shabbos dress that got torn in the spin cycle of her artificial washing machine.
Quick she called the rav. He gave her a heter to buy a newly used Shabbos dress from their tzadakah fund. She ordered it on Amazing Savings’s website as the 4 gallon tub of coffee brewed on her umbrella.
After it was boiling and ready, she tossed her former white artificial Shabbos dress in the backyard kiddie pool and then dumped the 3.5 gallons of coffee on top. As the dress turned mocha, she gleefully chugged the half gallon of coffee. Then she called Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones.January 18, 2017 3:39 am at 3:39 am #1216570
Juan Javier Jose Julio Jones said that he was too busy to talk then hung up. Rivky knew that he was up to writing with Bereishes Ben Avraham. J5’s latest question dealt with curly cords from cordless phones.
At that she legislated that Mordechai ben Schnitzel accompany her to the event. Tragically Mordechai ben Schnitzel also didn’t have anything to wear.
Rivky this time needed another strategy. She sent Mordechai off to the abandoned shul pool. She emptied 64 packets of instant coffee in the water. Subsequently she poured in 98.5 packets of artificial sweetener. Then left the premises.
When Mordechai returned he looked like a brand new man.January 18, 2017 3:48 am at 3:48 am #1216571
Little did Rivky know that this was all a virtual reality that she was viewing from the room with the ball pit. Coincidentally, it was exactly the same as the real reality, except that in the real reality, it was Lauren, not Rivky.January 18, 2017 3:52 am at 3:52 am #1216572
Suddenly the bas Kol reminded Rivky that she wasn’t permitted to attend the exacerbation with Mordechai ben Schnitzel. The White House was prejudice against his type.
Rivky didn’t understand why people were so rejecting of beagles but were okay with hygienic labradoodles. It all reminded her of what Bubbe would say about what those people did to us back then (she was referring to the time when the city used red light cameras so that they can mail people fines).
So Rivky gave Mordechai a steaming hot schnitzel and changed the oil in her neighbor’s kofermobile.
Lauren knew it was all a lie. Mordechai was canine. Rivky was Lauren. And Bereishes was really Skyping.January 18, 2017 12:59 pm at 12:59 pm #1216573
Reuven woke up after years of cryogenically-induced slumber. His old double, Dolphin was beside him. Reuven had no questions. He had been prepared for this moment before he fell asleep. “Time for revenge?” he asked his double and long-time friend.
“As ever” said Dolphin. He handed Reuven a computer with a webcam. Reuven launched the video recording application and spoke.
“This is Reuven. Remember me? You killed my secret twin brother.” Then he stared into the camera menacingly, finished recording it, and emailed it to his brother’s killer.January 18, 2017 2:05 pm at 2:05 pm #1216574
In shock, his brother’s killer spit out the mouthful of spaghetti and matzah balls he was chewing when he saw the email. Somehow someone knew. Someone that was still alive.
At that moment he made a vow to do whatever it takes to ensure his freedom. Even if that meant killing another spy. Even if it was his brother. Or his brother’s sister’s friend’s brother.
Quickly Oscar changed out from his checkered shirt and jeans into a white button down with black slacks. He would leave no stone unturned. Which meant that once again Oscar G. Stone would be going by Menachem M. Grossman.January 18, 2017 4:43 pm at 4:43 pm #1216575
Suddenly, another Reuven appeared next to Dolphin. But this Reuven was tougher, covered with scars. The real Reuven was shocked. “I thought they killed you!” he said in confusion. “They thought they killed me. But it was you. But it wasn’t you, you’re here. Wait, is it you?” He took a closer look. Yes, there it was. Embedded in this other man’s earlobes and above his eyebrows were tiny pieces of graphite, an accidental tattoo from an unfortunate childhood incident with some pencils, before they had Dolphin as a double.
“Yes, it is I!” proclaimed Reuven’s secret twin. “I thought they killed Dolphin!”
“I’m right here!” said Dolphin.
And that’s how they found out that Dolphin had had a secret brother that he had never known.January 19, 2017 7:06 am at 7:06 am #1216576
But the problem with secret brothers is that one day they no longer are secret and then they turn into regular brothers and you know what they say about regular brothers.January 20, 2017 1:17 pm at 1:17 pm #1216577
Shmuel awoke, heart racing. He had had the dream again. The nightmare. It was always the same. He found himself standing just outside Reuven’s room, listening to the sound of Reuven’s television making staticky noises. He needed to give Reuven a letter he had received in the mail, so he knocked. But Reuven wasn’t alone. A vaguely threatening shape stood over him. At first in his dream Shmuel assumed it was Colonel Mustard with the candlestick, but as he rushed to save his son, he saw the man’s face. And it was his own. Usually, he awoke right there, but this time he had dreamed a little longer. In his dream he had watched himself pulling out a stiletto that was wrapped in Rivky’s dress and stab Reuven.
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Back in his home, Oscar was trying to choose a personality, but his fatigue was making it difficult. He needed to base his character this time on someone assertive but calm, someone gracefully sly but also down-to-earth and human. For inspiration, he went to the gallery of faces he had worn in his former career as a body double and impersonator. Travis Grunfield, Gary, Paul, Zevulun, John Williams, Shmuel, Shoshana Beis. And then he had it. He as the new Menachem M. Grossman would assume a character similar to Gary, the sly, charming-yet-unlikeable, gracefully clumsy, tall-but-in-a-short-way policeman and track down the man he thought he had killed. Gary had been a disaster. He had nearly been exposed and had fled in shame. But this time, he swore by Baal Zevuv, this time would be his most successful yet. And when he was done, he would rule the world. Then he realized that world domination hadn’t been the objective in the first place and didn’t have to be now. And then he took a nap. But when he awoke, he took on a new form. A far more powerful and dangerous one.February 15, 2017 6:39 pm at 6:39 pm #1216578
Lauren stared at the shelf, unable to choose. Her heart told her to choose oolong tea, but her mind told her that it would be wrong to drink a beverage other than coffee. After all, her precious Bereishis was a coffee person. More than that, he was a coffee millionaire. His dedication to coffee was what paid for the nice house and for her kintsugi classes. Why would she betray her soulmate with a glass of tea?February 15, 2017 8:38 pm at 8:38 pm #1216579
InShidduchim.com: Is That the Jewish Way?February 16, 2017 2:24 am at 2:24 am #1216580
But the truth was that she was tainted by all of those health tips that she reads about on little grocery flyers and in nutritionist brochures and health books.
Everyone with a respectable degree says that Oolong tea is full of antioxidants. And who doesn’t want to destroy free radicals?
So with her fingers resting on her temples, Lauriam bas Ruchel contemplated what to do next.
Would she betray her husband Bereishis or would she drink the tea and become more appealing to him as her skin glowed from the antioxidants that went to war against her free radicals?
The truth was that Lauriam knew of a better solution.
A coffee millionaire has enough money to rewrite medical science. Lauriam got to work. She called all of the health book publishers and told them to write out tea and replace it with coffee, that of her soulmate’s brand.
Days later, her nutritionist recommended that she drink more coffee.
And guess what. Lauriam didn’t ask but the publishers got the best researchers in the world to publish peer-reviewed articles stating the detrimental effects of drinking tea.
Suddenly Lauriam was craving coffee, glowing, and she and Bereishis were now expecting but it was too soon to announce the good news.March 22, 2017 4:24 pm at 4:24 pm #1241998
Avaira Walton was tired of being the target of all the bad luck in the world. Unfortunately named for her dad’s favorite brand of contact lenses, sent to an Arabic-speaking and reading school for her first three years by accident (The wrong school bus picked her up every day and nobody questioned it), expected to be a boy (hence her hastily chosen name), she had spend the first 14 years of her life feeling out of place. Her room was decorated with footballs. Real ones from real games, costing a total of $9,000. Until she was five years old and her younger brother was born, her parents mostly pretended she was a boy. After that, she always felt left out, convinced that Guy was their favorite child. At nine years old, due to the school bus mistake, she was behind in English. It was only due to her hard work that she was able to graduate from middle school. Her dad had promised her that she could travel the world for high school. She secretly hoped that she would find a place to belong as she wandered the planet.
But then her parents’ tea business started failing because people thought tea was unhealthy. How would she get the money to travel the world now?March 23, 2017 4:53 pm at 4:53 pm #1242914
Guy found rebyids compyuter logd in and he is so smart. he is the bestest genius in the world. He continus the story saying avira drank coffe and her mom got mad.March 23, 2017 5:28 pm at 5:28 pm #1243139
She took a deep shuddering breath, fingering the curtain with a trembling hand. Her heart was beating like the new Eighth Day, only increasing in speed. Would anybody notice her distress?
All around, people were smiling. The lively strains of “Ve-Sein-Bonu”, complete with the slightly off-key harmony from the Kalmanowitz Twins, filled the room. Way down, in the men’s section, energetic bochurim were dancing around the shuffling men, waving Sifrei Torah like Lulavim. Children were frantically making rounds of the room, skipping the back corner to reach Mr Epstien, who always gave the best nosh. Proud fathers held their kids flags and their kids hands. The rav was holding a sefer in the corner, his saintly brow furrowed in concentration. Zeidy Morgenstern was sitting in his wheelchair, clapping enthusiastically out of beat and giving two sweets to the entrepreneurs savvy enough to say thank you. Bobby Smiles, the South American Baal Teshuva, was swinging his angelic son around on his shoulders, and he could actually touch the women’s gallery. Itche Meir was holding his trademark whiskey tumbler, swirling the golden liquid in a way you were only supposed to do to red wine.
To the naked eye, to the average onlooker, it was a regular Simchas Torah in Kehillas Ohel Moshe. But in the ladies gallery, one girl was staring down transfixed, unable to tear her terrified gaze from the tall man who had just entered the Shul. She didn’t hear Aunty Mirel kvell “That’s my Motti! Everyone look!” She didn’t hear Libby strut in on her twelve inch heels, announcing her latest conquest in KosherMart. She didn’t even notice as Rochelle whispered into her ear about Perelle, who was going out again with the illuy from Stamford.
Her eyes were drawn to the one man. Was it him? Could it be him? She hoped it wasn’t. It couldn’t be.
As though controlled by some sixth sense, the man stiffened, craning his neck to look at the ladies gallery.
There was a scream, and Ruchy fell to the floor in a dead faint.
Joseph had arrived.March 23, 2017 11:09 pm at 11:09 pm #1243246
Those standing nearby quickly made their way over to Ruchy to see if she was okay. She slowly opened her eyes and tried to take in the scene around her. Momentarily, she forgot the reason for her distress as she allowed someone to help her into a sitting position and give her water to drink. As she was slowly sipping the water and trying to get her bearings straight, she suddenly remembered the reason she had fainted.
Knowing as she did that there was no way that her outfit could possibly match the standards of the dreaded Vaad Hatznius, terror overcame her once again as she clutched her heart in panic (and her skirt as well). As those around her attempted to soothe her, little knowing the reason for her fear, she forced herself to overcome her panic and try to think about the situation logically and attempt to come up with a realistic solution to her predicament.March 24, 2017 1:09 pm at 1:09 pm #1243400
When she told them how ridiculous it made them look that they put scarlet letters on people like some kind of Hawthorne novel, they berated her for her familiarity with goyish literature.March 26, 2017 12:07 am at 12:07 am #1243522
Though Ruchy’s fear of Joseph may or may not have been justified, Joseph did not know how to react when confronted by a beagle, which was running from a hygienic labradoodle.March 26, 2017 6:40 am at 6:40 am #1243566
Fortunately, as he was running away from the beagle, he bumped into his sister Tzippy who had faithfully attended B’nos groups every single Shabbos from the age of 5 until she got married at 19, so she knew EXACLTY what to do in such a situation. As soon as she recited the possuk of “l’chol B’nei Yisrael…” in a voice that could be heard for miles away, the beagle instantly retreated in fear, never to be seen or heard from again.March 26, 2017 6:42 am at 6:42 am #1243567
Open-mouthed, Joe stared at Ruchy in shock. “How in the world did you do that?”, he asked.
“What do you mean? Don’t you remember when we were young and I used to tell you about all the things I learned in Bais Yaakov and in B’nos and you used to laugh at me that I’m only a girl and I don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, you see now that I did!”, she finished, triumphantly.
“But I don’t understand how that could be! Chazal say very clearly, נשים דעתיהן קלות, how could you possibly know something that I don’t know???!!”
“And besides”, he finished smugly, “girls don’t have a chiyuv to learn Torah and boys do, so how could a girl who has no chiyuv to learn Torah possible know something that a boy who does have a chiyuv to learn doesn’t know?”
“But Joseph, the same Chazal who say נשים דעתיהן קלות also say that women have additional Binah!”
“Oh, right, that’s true…. hm, well maybe in that case you can give me some advice regarding a dilemma I’m having.”
“Sure, Joe, you know I’d do anything for my favorite brother.”
“Favorite brother????!!! What do you mean? I’m your only brother!!!”
“What?….Well, whatever, do you really think you can help me out?”
“Sure, I’d love to use my extra binah to help you! What’s the issue?”
“Okay.. Wait, a second.. how do you know what Chazal say about women and binah??!! You’re not allowed to learn Gemara!!! Have you been learning Gemara on the sly, Tzippy???!!!”
“Joe, she answered patiently, “It’s not assur for women to learn Gemara. The issur is on men teaching them Gemara. You never taught me Gemara, so you have nothing to worry about. Now what’s the issue?”
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