YWN Coffee Room

YWN Coffee Room » Shidduchim

1. willi
   Member

   I'm just wondering what you ladies and gentlemen think.
   ... true scenario. First date. Guy asks girl to meet him at the train station. They are both from Brooklyn but he wants to go to Manhattan. (at night) It's quite late, (Motzai Shabbos) noisy on the train, they still transfer in the middle to another train.. the ride takes about 45 minutes and the actual date is in a hotel lounge. (happens to be in the middle of some loud bars but he probably didn't know that before so maybe this isn't necessary to mention.)Anyway, they sit there for about 2 hrs and he asks her if she wants water. (she says yes.)
   It is way past midnight when they leave. (He takes her left over spring water bottle and ends up taking it home for himself,by the way) They go home with the train again. The end.

   Honest opinions please. Do you think this man is cheap? How about responsible due to the hour? how bout stam weird?

   I'd like to hear from men & women's viewpoint. Please bear in mind that the guy had the choice to stay local.
   Thank you.
   Oh, I want to add. The man did tell the woman in advance that he's planning to take the subway.
   His words: " I want to go by train not because I'm stingy, but because I just love going on trains" The girl agreed because she felt bad and figured he must be penniless but she still found it very odd. and did not know that the return trip would be the same too.
   Okay now on to your opinions about this. :)

   Posted 1 year ago #

2. truth be told
   AKA tbt

   If she thought it was odd, she should of told him no. What does she feel about the GUY? If she feels he's odd, goodbye. If she likes him, go out again

   Posted 1 year ago #

3. The Goq
   Founder and president of the CR welcome wagon!

   i don't think he's cheap i think he's poor

   Posted 1 year ago #

4. rc
   Member

   although it wouldn't be for me, the girl herself has to determine if this bothers her.

   Posted 1 year ago #

5. cshapiro
   Nothing in the world cures worry, stress, anxiety, sadness, and depression like emuna.

   did he at least walk u to ur door or leave u at ur stop??

   i feel so bad for you i wouldve been mortified taking the train, although if u get bored of each other you could always pretend u dont know each other and strike up a conversation with the homeless dude sitting next to u, lol :))

   Posted 1 year ago #

6. real-brisker
   Now that's Brisk, Baby!

   Thats style!

   Posted 1 year ago #

7. Cedarhurst
   Blocked

   Putting aside this guy and thinking in general... What's so geferlach even IF he IS cheap? It's not the worst thing, and you could wind up with someone with behaviors a lot lot worse than someone who is just cheap.

   Think about that.

   Posted 1 year ago #

8. charliehall
   Member

   Why not a hotel lounge in Brooklyn?

   I don't think a train is at all unreasonable as it is the most practical way to get around NYC, but why the long trip?

   I take the subway rather than drive every chance I can. (Among other things, more time to learn torah.) I actually consider myself a bit of a subway buff and love trains! But I married a woman from California who is totally car-oriented and drives everywhere she can. Yet we have been happily married almost six years.

   Posted 1 year ago #

9. SJSinNYC
   always pleasant

   I don't know...something seems off about the story. The train itself doesn't bother me (I actually enjoy trains LOL).

   If she liked him, I think she should give him a second chance. See what happens on the next date.

   Posted 1 year ago #

10. gavra_at_work
    Member

    "i don't think he's cheap i think he's poor "

    Second

    Posted 1 year ago #

11. popa_bar_abba
    Incorrigible; semi-retarded; eccentric; perhaps a woman; not Mod 80. Sometimes a bit over the top.

    I think he's nuts. But, we don't know anything about her. If she is nuts also, matzuh min es mino

    Posted 1 year ago #

12. mikehall12382
    Member

    The train ride is not the issue, it's actually a great place to talk. Im just curious on why he kept the water bottle?

    Posted 1 year ago #

13. Sacrilege
    the real one

    On a first date?! That would be the last for me. Besides, if he wouldve asked me if its alright to take a train on Motzei Shabbos (on a first date) the answer would have been an unequivocal NO!

    Heres my issues:
    A- The guy is responsible for the girls safety, whilst he cant ensure that he wont get in to a car crash going on the train on Saturday night at 12 am doesnt seem all that responsible.
    B- If this is what he calls putting his best foot forward, I'm scared to think about the alternative.
    C- SCOPE OUT THE VENUE. Laziness.

    Posted 1 year ago #

14. pet peeve
    Member

    i would not appreciate going on a train on the first date. maybe 3rd or so, but initially, no. i find the whole story a bit odd.

    Posted 1 year ago #

15. bpt
    never caustic

    I think its disrespectful. The young women just spent hours getting dressed to look her best; the least you can do it repay the effort by treating her in kind.

    3rd date (if discussed in advance) can be (IMO, should be) by train. She's dress accordingly, and all is well

    Posted 1 year ago #

16. mikehall12382
    Member

    i find it strange he took the water bottle home with him...

    Posted 1 year ago #

17. Vanilla
    Member

    Is this first or second marriage?

    Posted 1 year ago #

18. Sam l Am
    Joseph

    willi previously said she is divorced.

    Posted 1 year ago #

19. Sacrilege
    the real one

    IMHO I dont think it makes a difference if they are both on their fifth marriage. A guy needs to show some basic respect and concern for the girls feelings and welfare.

    Posted 1 year ago #

20. Homeowner
    Blocked

    Taking home the water bottle, priceless!

    Posted 1 year ago #

21. 1dayatatime
    If not now then when?

    sac,

    IMHO you need to lower your expectations

    Posted 1 year ago #

22. bpt
    never caustic

    Just out of curiosity, Sac.. would you be ok going on a train date, if it were date # 3? 4? At any point? (Of course, it would need to be noted as a train date well in advance.)

    There is no right or wrong answer; I'm just curious to see where you stand.

    Posted 1 year ago #

23. pumper
    with 2 open arms

    Sac-
    you are 100% right on this one.
    The guy sounds a bit off, don't you think?
    If he cant afford to drive, or to pay for a car service, he should have stayed local.
    Taking a train at midnight on Saturday night? Hello????

    Posted 1 year ago #

24. real-brisker
    Now that's Brisk, Baby!

    pumper - Not everyone has a licsence, and a car.

    Posted 1 year ago #

25. Sacrilege
    the real one

    BPT
    You mean like the NYC-3 train? All for it :D

    pumper/real-brisker
    If he cant afford a decent date (and is clearly not embarrassed to show it) I'd be worried about what the future has in store.

    Posted 1 year ago #

26. nfgo3
    Member

    Without knowing the train dater's financial circumstances, it is meaningless to speculate about his choice of date or his need for unfinished bottled water. From reading many of the posts here, it seems that an unwritten rule of dating is that, at least on the first date, the prospective chosson must "put on the ritz." If the point of dating is to get married, putting on the ritz is a waste of time, as an important aspect of marriage is how the couple are going to sustain themselves financially.

    Posted 1 year ago #

27. real-brisker
    Now that's Brisk, Baby!

    sac - all i said is maybe he doesnt have other means of transpotation, what do you want him to do?

    Posted 1 year ago #

28. bpt
    never caustic

    Not everyone has a licsence, and a car.

    No car? For $50, you can rent one. Zip car may be even less.

    No License? Then you should have arrainged for a beshow (that's a sit-in, for those of you who don't know the term).

    1st date needs to be taken seriously.

    ------------------------------

    NYC-3 train? - to the UWS? Who'da thunk?

    Posted 1 year ago #

29. bpt
    never caustic

    "If the point of dating is to get married, putting on the ritz is a waste of time,"

    That's like saying, " I serve my family on plastic plates, so the chasseneh meal should also be on disposables"

    No. Special occasions should be treated as such. Are there exceptional cases? Is this case one of them? Maybe.

    But as a rule, the 1st date (and possiblly 2nd one as well) should be FQ all the way.

    (Ok, maybe not a dozen roses, but short of that, pull out all the stops)

    Posted 1 year ago #

30. real-brisker
    Now that's Brisk, Baby!

    bp totty - Well we see that this guy obviously doesn't got to much $$ to his name, (the fact that he took home the water bottle) so I wouldn't think he would be able to afford that kind of money for the rental.

    Posted 1 year ago #

31. Sacrilege
    the real one

    "to the UWS? Who'da thunk?"

    UWS? Been there done that. Next.

    Posted 1 year ago #

32. always here
    and always on schedule

    IMO- at the very least, he should have picked her up @ her house, & then walked together to the train.
    taking the leftover water bottle: cheap

    Posted 1 year ago #

33. pumper
    with 2 open arms

    I've heard of people who don't have cars, or don't drive and they took a car service. that is at least better than taking the train!

    Posted 1 year ago #

34. bpt
    never caustic

    Been there done that. Next.

    Hmm.. # 3 does'nt have much else I can think of.

    * Get off a 110th and walk thru Central Park? (makes sense.. at least its down hill from the north end)

    * Take it to the last stop and walk to the Stadium?

    * Switch for the # 2 and go to the Zoo?

    Hey, ya'know; these are sounding pretty good! Maybe I should try some of these ideas on Mrs. BP!

    Posted 1 year ago #

35. real-brisker
    Now that's Brisk, Baby!

    pumper - trains still cheaper

    Posted 1 year ago #

36. Sacrilege
    the real one

    BPT
    Did you think I was talking about the #3 train? Adorable.

    I was talking about the NYC-3 luxury train.

    Posted 1 year ago #

37. willi
    Member

    okay thanks for all your responses. For clarification purposes, I had several good reasons to say no, train car or plane. But I still found the things I mentioned here quite strange and a bit creepy too, and especially since this was the first time a date has acted in this manner, it made me wonder...
    And vanilla I don't mind admitting that I've been married in the past, but what difference does it make in this case if it's the first or second time around? Do you become cheaper / more generous the 2nd time around? I think rules and etiquette should be the same in these things.

    Posted 1 year ago #

38. willi
    Member

    popa_bar_abba
    Sometimes a Bit Over the Top
    I think he's nuts. But, we don't know anything about her. If she is nuts also, matzuh min es mino

    Posted 4 hours ago #

    popa you made me laugh. I was the girl in the story. And As far as I know myself I think I'm pretty normal although I could be biased :)

    Posted 1 year ago #

39. bpt
    never caustic

    "NYC-3 luxury train"

    Oh. I googled that.

    Ahem. Sorry.. I guess you're not the medium-maintenece girl I pictured.

    I now understand your "been there/done that" reference in a whole new light. You no doubt meant "I've already bought all the USW real estate I liked. No need to go back again. What other market can you suggest?"

    I guess the devil is not the only one that wears Prada :D

    Posted 1 year ago #

40. 2qwerty
    Member

    Maybe he took the bottle just to show that he isnt baal tashchis.

    Posted 1 year ago #

41. oomis1105
    Member

    Too many things here bother me. He MIGHT be poor (not something to hold aghainst him), might be afraid to drive (that would bother me), might be a cheapskate (NO one really LOVES to ride subway trains, and especially not with a girl late at night, when he is on a date). I wouldn't feel comfortable with this. And I have gone out in my past on subway dates.

    The water bottle, however, is another story altogether. He must be for the birds, because that was cheep, cheep, cheep.

    Posted 1 year ago #

42. shev143
    Member

    Mybe he has no dating experience, or noone guiding him.
    Talk to the shadchan, or go out again and see if it doesn't go better, explain that he is out of touch with dating norms.

    Posted 1 year ago #

43. bpt
    never caustic

    But level with us Oomis.. when Sac said the NYC-3 train, did you think the MTA or the lux rail car?

    I for one was totally blindsided. Totally.

    Posted 1 year ago #

44. bpt
    never caustic

    "I was the girl in the story"

    Ok, Willi. Aside from the water bottle and the fact that is was late at night (and if it were with a different date, if the 1st one is a goner)

    would going by train at a normal time of day, on a 3r date (with advance notice) be acceptable?

    Posted 1 year ago #

45. mewho
    Member

    and the next date will be the transit museum

    Posted 1 year ago #

46. illogicgal
    Member

    I think that most people are making too many assumptions here.
    Here's what really matters --
    in the short term, this is how this young man is ok conducting himself. Whether he is poor (more likely) or cheap is irrelevant. The fact that he treated you in this manner shows you how he intends to treat you if nothing else in his world changes.
    Can you live with this?
    If you were ok with this & you didn't question it as odd or cheap, I'd say "try again".
    The fact that you questioned it & it didn't sit well with you speaks loudly.
    As for the train - I have no problem with it being used as a method of transportation, providing he treats you like a gentleman & takes you door to door.
    The water bottle - perhaps he'd thought you may want it on the way home...who knows?
    Taking you to Manhattan -- poor judgement on his part! Perhaps he was trying to give you all the glamour he could afford - a trip into the city, rather than a local cup of coffee.
    Either way, every pot has their cover. I've seen far more odd...
    It sure beats the guy who packed up his date's Indian food (ugh) leftovers to give to his sister-in-law, whom he was going to see the following day...Now, that was cheap!

    Posted 1 year ago #

47. cbdd
    Member

    Any one of the behaviors noted would not be so terrible. As a whole the behavior was both terrible and wonderful! Wonderful because he clearly demonstrated who he was and what he was about(trouble). The issue might be low bank account or cheap. If he san not afford to do better at this stage maybe he should be concerned with parnasah before dating. Regardless of the cause of the issue he looks like trouble.

    Posted 1 year ago #

48. Sacrilege
    the real one

    BPT
    LOL.
    I think medium-maintenance is an apt description.

    Posted 1 year ago #

49. charliehall
    Member

    "NO one really LOVES to ride subway trains"

    I do!

    When I was in college in the Boston area I used to ride all the subway lines to the end just to say that I had done them. People used to call me "Charlie on the MTA" in honor of the famous song (which BTW was the real campaign song of a 1940s left wing Boston mayoral candidate who wanted to overturn a fare increase).

    There are still a lot of lines in the much larger NYC system I haven't hit yet.

    God had a sense of humor and fixed me up with a California girl who prefers to drive.

    Posted 1 year ago #

50. aries2756
    Smartness runs in my family.

    willi, reference to you being married before i think was to point out that this wasn't a very young bochur who should have known better.

    NO, I don't think it is proper to take a train late at night even if HE likes to. If he likes to ride the train he should amuse himself at any other time, not when he is on his first date with an experienced woman. Secondly, if he takes you all the way to the city he should have at least taken you for desert and offered you a little more than a bottle of water. "Can I get you a drink? Soda, juice, water, etc?" It is awfully strange to offer someone just water. Taking it home with him is equally strange unless he asks you, would you like to take that for the train ride home.

    And again, a train ride if agreed upon would be OK for a day date but not for a night time date. In addition, as someone else mentioned, it is not mentchlich to not pick you up before the date nor walk you home after. This is quite selfish and shows he was only thinking about his own convenience the entire night. I don't think it has anything to do with being poor. Cheap and stingy is more like it. Poor people still have manners.

    Posted 1 year ago #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply »

You must log in to post.