January 9, 2011 12:59 am at 12:59 am #726321The Best BubbyParticipant
I believe the man is not correct. He takes a girl on a train late at night and there was no mention of him picking her up at her HOME. They met at the train station. I don’t care if it is a second marriage or more. The man should have some derech eretz and be a mentch, which clearly he is not. One should not hold against anyone that they are poor. But, the girl should open up her eyes. If he does this on a first date, what will he do later on when he gets to know her better (if she is still going out with him!) And he only offered her water and then took the rest of the bottle home? She should count her lucky stars and say good riddance!!!!! The guy is a big-time cheapskate!
Gut voch to all!January 9, 2011 1:25 am at 1:25 am #726322oomisParticipant
“But level with us Oomis.. when Sac said the NYC-3 train, did you think the MTA or the lux rail car?
I for one was totally blindsided. Totally. “
I have NO idea what this is. I don’t travel by train anymore, for many years (both due to lack of necessity to do so, and now also because I cannot easily go up and down the stairs, or stand for long periods of time). Was the date on a regular subway or a luxury train? If a luxury train, he still should have gotten something for her to eat, and he DEFINITELY should have seen her to her home.January 9, 2011 1:55 am at 1:55 am #726323bein_hasdorimParticipant
He has his own TRAIN??!! Cool! If not, well then it all depends.
He may not know how to drive, or perhaps the place he wanted to go to doesn’t have parking in the area or just parking garages,
that cost like 29.99 per hour.
Always judge from third date and on. The first one is when he doesn’t know you at all & maybe he’s been out with 5 other girls the past month, which he had to turn down as they weren’t a match. At this point he’s just sick of spending $70-$80 just to find out it’s not for him.
The second date however is when you both agreed (or when a Shadchan twisted one or both parties to “Give it another shot”
they’re crazy about you) Really? They sure have a funny way of showing it. etc..
My point being, there’s a 50% chance he’ll start spending from 2nd date on, as there’s a 25% chance that he actually wanted to see you again, and a 15% chance you wanted to see him too, & a 10% chance that although he’s cheap, he wont want you to think so, therefore he’ll splurge on the second date by borrowing his friend car. When I mean splurge I mean paying for gas and incidentals.
So in conclusion, you see why it’s just better to give him another two chances, like this on the third date when you realize you’re walk up the steps to the train. You take the train home,
and tell him, I hope you had a nice time. Thanks for paying!January 9, 2011 2:26 am at 2:26 am #726324
BP totty, If it were the 3rd or 4th date and up until now the man would’ve behaved and treated me like a true gentleman, and shown a generous nature, but after 3 times when we’d be more heimish already suggest a casual fun date DURING THE DAY / normal hour, then yes, I’d find that way more acceptable. I don’t even know if I’d question it. But with all the m’shigasen combined here in this case – the timing, first date, water bottle etc …completely different picture.January 9, 2011 2:28 am at 2:28 am #726325
Bein hasedorim, nope he will not be getting another two chances from me.January 9, 2011 2:50 am at 2:50 am #726326tro11Member
I feel that the OP’s post shows a lack of seriousness about what she’s doing, and excuse me for saying an overall lack of maturity. If you have valid reasons to reject offers for subsequent dates, this is your prerogative. It is, however, in bad taste to go online and ridicule a person who presumably tried his best to plan a nice date.
Also, imagine how the gentleman is feeling if he is reading this thread. I am speculating that he did not drink your water, either. Probably, he mindlessly took it, and threw it out at home. The CR is not a forum for uncompassionate ridicule.January 9, 2011 3:12 am at 3:12 am #726327bein_hasdorimParticipant
😉 it was worth a try! Poor guy. Guy’s, if you’re cheap,
don’t be cheap on the FIRST date!January 9, 2011 3:20 am at 3:20 am #726328GabboimMember
willi, your family does beshow’s or goes out on dates?January 9, 2011 3:38 am at 3:38 am #726329shev143Member
I hope the clueless boy is reading this thread and will learn something about dating.January 9, 2011 3:54 am at 3:54 am #726330intersaantehMember
tro11: “I feel that the OP’s post shows a lack of seriousness about what she’s doing, and excuse me for saying an overall lack of maturity. If you have valid reasons to reject offers for subsequent dates, this is your prerogative. It is, however, in bad taste to go online and ridicule a person who presumably tried his best to plan a nice date.
Also, imagine how the gentleman is feeling if he is reading this thread. I am speculating that he did not drink your water, either. Probably, he mindlessly took it, and threw it out at home. The CR is not a forum for uncompassionate ridicule.”
So true. Seen a friend of mine ripped apart here. His side of course was not presented. He was hurt.
You dont like s/t a guy did, tell him. Why give enough details to rip him up on the boards?
Classless? or you both are of the same class!January 9, 2011 3:58 am at 3:58 am #726331shev143Member
Did you use your metro card, or was he generous with his?January 9, 2011 5:58 am at 5:58 am #726333
tro11, sorry I disagree, she obviously was shocked and upset and needed to vent about it but not to anyone she knew and anyone who might know him. If he does read this blog then let him learn from his mistake and it was a huge one if HE takes dating seriously. He did NOT plan a nice date, it seems he didn’t plan anything at all but flew by the seat of his pants. It almost seems like someone forced him into the date and he was trying to show her that he didn’t care about it. If that is not the impression he wanted to relay then he should know he did everything wrong and needs to use a different approach at the next opportunity.January 9, 2011 6:05 am at 6:05 am #726334arcParticipant
cheap, poor whatever you want to call its inexcuseableJanuary 9, 2011 10:58 am at 10:58 am #726335lesschumrasParticipant
I’m amazed at the level of selfish and materialistic comments from a sitethat places such a high priority on marrying a learner, not a worker.
What is wrong with public transportatation? Many of the posters make it sound like it is beneath their dignity and station in life to use. Renting a car is expensive, not to mention the fortune it costs to park a car in a Manhattan garage. Where is a future kolel guy supposed to get this money for every first date he goes on?
As for the girl, if this is a turn off, what exactly does she think kolel life will be like? I imagine when she is stressing out how to pay tuition and the rent, she’ll thimk back and wish she had the money she insisted her husband waste on rented cars and parking.
What I do fault the boy om is that he should have picked her up at her house nd saw her to her door.January 9, 2011 4:49 pm at 4:49 pm #726336Josh31Participant
A good Shadchan should coach the boy on the appropriate means of transportation based upon the Shadchan’s knowledge of the girl.
For example, with Sacrilege it would be, “Borrow your uncle’s nice car”.
Where experience is minimal, coaching is essential.January 9, 2011 10:31 pm at 10:31 pm #726337
lesschumras, there is a way to have an inexpensive date without being cheap and mannerless. Firstly, if you don’t own a car and can’t borrow one and you don’t want to spend money on parking…. and you choose to take public transportation like the train …..and your date agrees….be a gentleman and make it a Sunday afternoon date. That would be the logical thing to do. And then as you said, pick her up and then walk her to the door. In addition, since you are already saving the money on transportation and parking, be a sport and offer her a little something to eat after all how much does a pizza or falafel cost already and you can splurge on a cup of coffee or a soda.January 10, 2011 1:48 am at 1:48 am #726338nfgo3Member
BP Totty: I agree that special occasions call for special treatment. But if a first date is a first step in the direction of the chupah – which it is – it is not a time for “putting on the ritz.” It is a time for a prospective chosson and kallah to start getting to know each other.
Willi: if you are the “girl” in the story, you ought to ask yourself whether you are wasting your date’s time. As you said, you felt bad and figured he must be penniless, but you still found it very odd. Dating for the frum is not a lark or a hoot – it is serious business, and if you think the prospective date is odd, you owe it to yourself, the date, and Hashem to say no and wait for a date you can take seriously. And your statement that you did not know that the return trip would also be by train show that you are not particularly astute, nor did you have the sense -and decency – to ask. I have the feeling that you regard this date as one big yuck with a strange, if not penniless, man. He might be neither, but neither you nor the readers of your story will ever know.January 10, 2011 5:18 am at 5:18 am #726339
nfgo3, I don’t think you are being fair to Willi. Since the date was Motzei Shabbat and they went by train she did not have to assume that they would be returning by train. And since he was not a young bochur, she had every right to expect the man to take her home by car service of cab. And since he wasn’t a young bochur she also had the right to expect more than a lounge date and a bottle of water. This man showed very poor judgement and very poor manners. It has nothing to do with wealth or not. And it says nothing about her taking him seriously or not. But is shows a lot about HIS character and his lack of taking this date seriously. Nothing in his manner shows one iota that he is either interested or ready to care for a wife.January 10, 2011 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #726340oomisParticipant
Did I misread your name, or did you deliberately (slyly and humorously) allude to being a TROLL on this site? (Not trying to be abrasive here, just found it a curious combo of letters and numbers).January 10, 2011 6:49 pm at 6:49 pm #726341bptParticipant
You did the right thing. For a 1st date, it should have been a car ride. Especially at night.
The NYC-3 train is a rental that runs for private $$$$ parties on Amtrak rails. Think the trains that the Vanderbilts and Carnegies would have ridden in.
You can google it, and see what it involves Sac was clearly kidding,(I hope!)and me being the NYC kid I am, had no reason to think of anything other than the #3 train.January 10, 2011 6:53 pm at 6:53 pm #726342bptParticipant
And to the folks defending the train ride as a motive to save money or be realistic, there is a time and place for everything.
Few people save money better than I do. But dating (or in my case, going out for a special occasion dinner with Mrs BP) is not the time and place to be frugal.
Does it mean rent a rolls royce? No. Does it mean walk to the city in 2ft of snow? Also not.January 10, 2011 8:16 pm at 8:16 pm #726343
aries2756 and bptotty thanks for your support..
to the ones accusing me of “ripping apart” the date, well I still think it’s better than going and discussing him in real life with people which could definitely lead to loshon hora and embarrassment, whereas here there is almost zero possibility that anyone can identify him, (unless you happened to have seen a guy strolling midnight with a half emptied bottle of spring water in his hand ;>) I listed details pertaining to my concerns, I did not say he’s a bad person. (on the other hand I also mentioned that there were enough other CLEAR reasons why I said no, I just brought up the things in coffee room that I was WONDERING about.)
anyway I did not even specify how recently this happened.. so chill please. I have the right to come here for advice and that doesn’t make me rude immature or thoughtless,
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