Proper etiquette for bochor speaking to girl’s parents

Home Coffeeroom Shidduchim Proper etiquette for bochor speaking to girl’s parents

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  • #1400979

    Joseph
    Participant

    When the bochor meets the parents before meeting the girl is it proper to eat from the food they put out on the table for him?

    #1400984

    Meno
    Participant

    If you really want to make a good impression, the best thing to do is to take some and put it in your pocket for later.

    It shows that you’re sensible.

    Or if you really wanna steal the show, ask if they have any leftovers they’re trying to get rid of.

    #1400995

    Uncle Ben
    Participant

    I remember years ago one time they had some orange juice on the table and I didn’t want to get heartburn so I asked for some water. The girl herself went to get me some which actually made a nice impression. As it turned out she wasn’t my bashert anyway.

    #1400996

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    Back when I was dating 30 years ago, we had the same question. Some guys did; some didn’t. However, I do suggest for the girl’s parents, especially if the boy just traveled from Lakewood, ask if he needs to use the lavatory. That may be more important then the candy, fruit or soda.

    #1401003

    Little Froggie
    Participant

    Very appropiate – today’s Parsha (about “THE PARSHA”!!!)
    לא אוכל עד אם דברתי דברי

    #1401022

    Shtika
    Participant

    The best advice: honestly it doesn’t really matter.. What matters is that you pay attention how the parents interact between themselves.. Look out for a controlling shviger, angry father, or other middos raos. I’m telling you spend as much time as possible with the parents, cause it’s not always noticeable right away. You’re basically marrying your in-laws, so you need to date them thoroughly.

    #1401024

    apushatayid
    Participant

    whatever you do, proper etiquette is not to talk with your mouth full.

    #1401032

    Joseph
    Participant

    Shtika, have you ever heard of the parents acting inappropriately while the bochor is there, before going out with the girl?

    And how should the girl vet the bochor’s parents before agreeing to get engaged?

    #1401315

    funnybone
    Participant

    Its proper etiquette not to eat. Some people consider themselves non conformists and eat. Either way is fine.

    #1401339

    Dr. E
    Participant

    While the girl is getting ready, see if the future shver will not only offer you orange juice, but also if he will also offer to pay to fill up your thirsty car with gas so that you won’t risk running on empty during the date. If ‘yes’, then he could very well be your sugar daddy for indefinite Koillel.

    #1401360

    Takes2-2tango
    Participant

    If the girl opens the door which happens very often then why wait. Also, in essence you are dating the parents so why is it necessary to wait for anyone else. The show started the minute u meet the parents.

    #1401402

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Dr. E- that’s only if he comes with a fleet of cars and lots of gifts for the girl and her family. And the girl should be offering to water the cars. He should avoid eating what the father offers, however.

    #1401364

    Joseph
    Participant

    funnybone: Who wrote the book on proper etiquette that you’re making that assertion upon?

    #1401459

    adocs
    Participant

    Winnie-

    LOL. very timely joke

    #1401461

    funnybone
    Participant

    Joseph; this is CR, where people give opinions based on their experience. If you want a book, then go to the library!

    #1401472

    Joseph
    Participant

    Nu, funnybone, so please tell us how you determined that not eating is the proper etiquette even though eating is perfectly acceptable. 🙂

    #1401746

    funnybone
    Participant

    Joseph: In which book did you read that?

    #1401788

    Joseph
    Participant

    funnybone: My question to you is where’d you learn what the proper etiquette is, that you stated in your first comment on this thread.

    #1401819

    funnybone
    Participant

    I responded, my experience …where did you learn its not as you stated.

    #1401820

    funnybone
    Participant

    BTW I find it annoying that you keep on asking without regard for my responses…

    #1402159

    apushatayid
    Participant

    thats why most people ignore him (her?)

    #1402165

    Joseph
    Participant

    Comment # 1401024 apparently was one of those commenters that ignored her.

    #1403904

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Why is the title about speaking and the actual question about eating?

    The Wolf

    #1403924

    Joseph
    Participant

    You speak to the parents while sitting at their dining room table with food to eat. Similar to if you were meeting a client for business at a restaurant.

    #1403926

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    It is not often I agree with Joseph but here I do agree.

    Funnybone: In my experience, whether now as the parent or years ago as the bochur, proper etiquette was/is…..there was/is none. Some bochurim eat, some don’t.

    #1404268

    🐵 ⌨ Gamanit
    Participant

    It depends on which community you are from. In my community standard practice is to have food on the table which nobody touches during the meeting. The first time you take a drink is when you drink l’chaim.

    #1404288

    Joseph
    Participant

    Gamanit: Which “community” is that? The community of 16th Avenue doesn’t touch the food whereas the community of 18th Avenue does eat the food? How are you differentiating “communities”? How did you determine what the community practice is? Or are you simply stating your personal preference or what you’ve seen.

    #1405431

    oyyoyyoy
    Participant

    Ive been told not to eat. One girl i went out with i noticed the mother wasn’t respectful to the father (wasn’t looking for it, just noticed it.) We did some research and found out it was all ok, not explaining for privacy reasons.

    Another girl i went out with had very nice parents and always gave us cold water bottles when we went out.

    Was once leaving girls house with her and said to her mother, “wow, the challah really smells good” cause i try to be nice. The girl smiled and blushed, she made the challah.

    #1405467

    Joseph
    Participant

    The consensus is that whether to eat or not is a matter of personal preference and either way is perfectly fine.

    That having been established, the follow-up is thus:

    If the bochor plans to eat or drink something, should he make the Bracha Rishona and Bracha Achrona very loud so that the father and mother can say Amen to both?

    #1405766

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    I don’t expect the boy to do that as I never insisted that my children do that.

    #1405785

    Joseph
    Participant

    Isn’t it proper, anytime not just while dating, to say your brochos loud so that others can say Amein?

    #1405825

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    Joseph: your question (in bold font) said “very loud” not just loud. I never made my children say brochos very loud. They had to be audible to others but not “very loud”.

    #1405822

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    The first time I met my father-in-law was when he was sitting shiva, so no, I did not eat.

    The Wolf

    #1405818

    Dr. E
    Participant

    I recall hearing a maaseh amuhl, where the bochur came from a plain yeshivishe home. So, he only had access to the family 15-seater to pick up the girl (who came from from a wealthy family) for the first date. The Shadchan suggested that the girl pick up the guy from his house, as she owned her own b’kovidikke car. When she arrived to pick up the bochur, he was still eating his Melaveh Malka in the kitchen and was not yet ready. So, she sat with the mother in the Dining Room, with the mother offering her cookies and tea. And if I recall correctly, the girl DID eat the cookies at the time. Fast forward 10 years, the bochur’s family ended up giving them the old van and B”H it’s now half filled with Yiddishe kinder!

    #1405841

    Joseph
    Participant

    iac: Thanks for clarifying. Your thought is that the bochor should make the brochos loud enough for the parents to respond Amein, but not very loud. Correct?

    #1405931

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    Joseph: Yes.

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