Proper etiquette for bochor speaking to girl’s parents
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- This topic has 30 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by Joseph.
November 10, 2017 9:50 am at 9:50 am #1400979
When the bochor meets the parents before meeting the girl is it proper to eat from the food they put out on the table for him?November 10, 2017 10:08 am at 10:08 am #1400984MenoParticipant
If you really want to make a good impression, the best thing to do is to take some and put it in your pocket for later.
It shows that you’re sensible.
Or if you really wanna steal the show, ask if they have any leftovers they’re trying to get rid of.November 10, 2017 10:56 am at 10:56 am #1400995Uncle BenParticipant
I remember years ago one time they had some orange juice on the table and I didn’t want to get heartburn so I asked for some water. The girl herself went to get me some which actually made a nice impression. As it turned out she wasn’t my bashert anyway.November 10, 2017 10:56 am at 10:56 am #1400996
Back when I was dating 30 years ago, we had the same question. Some guys did; some didn’t. However, I do suggest for the girl’s parents, especially if the boy just traveled from Lakewood, ask if he needs to use the lavatory. That may be more important then the candy, fruit or soda.November 10, 2017 10:57 am at 10:57 am #1401003Little FroggieParticipant
Very appropiate – today’s Parsha (about “THE PARSHA”!!!)
לא אוכל עד אם דברתי דבריNovember 10, 2017 11:37 am at 11:37 am #1401022ShtikaParticipant
The best advice: honestly it doesn’t really matter.. What matters is that you pay attention how the parents interact between themselves.. Look out for a controlling shviger, angry father, or other middos raos. I’m telling you spend as much time as possible with the parents, cause it’s not always noticeable right away. You’re basically marrying your in-laws, so you need to date them thoroughly.November 10, 2017 11:37 am at 11:37 am #1401024apushatayidParticipant
whatever you do, proper etiquette is not to talk with your mouth full.November 10, 2017 12:15 pm at 12:15 pm #1401032
Shtika, have you ever heard of the parents acting inappropriately while the bochor is there, before going out with the girl?
And how should the girl vet the bochor’s parents before agreeing to get engaged?November 12, 2017 9:38 am at 9:38 am #1401315
Its proper etiquette not to eat. Some people consider themselves non conformists and eat. Either way is fine.November 12, 2017 10:01 am at 10:01 am #1401339Dr. EParticipant
While the girl is getting ready, see if the future shver will not only offer you orange juice, but also if he will also offer to pay to fill up your thirsty car with gas so that you won’t risk running on empty during the date. If ‘yes’, then he could very well be your sugar daddy for indefinite Koillel.November 12, 2017 10:48 am at 10:48 am #1401360Takes2-2tangoParticipant
If the girl opens the door which happens very often then why wait. Also, in essence you are dating the parents so why is it necessary to wait for anyone else. The show started the minute u meet the parents.November 12, 2017 10:49 am at 10:49 am #1401402WinnieThePoohParticipant
Dr. E- that’s only if he comes with a fleet of cars and lots of gifts for the girl and her family. And the girl should be offering to water the cars. He should avoid eating what the father offers, however.November 12, 2017 10:57 am at 10:57 am #1401364
funnybone: Who wrote the book on proper etiquette that you’re making that assertion upon?November 12, 2017 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #1401459adocsParticipant
LOL. very timely jokeNovember 12, 2017 2:19 pm at 2:19 pm #1401461
Joseph; this is CR, where people give opinions based on their experience. If you want a book, then go to the library!November 12, 2017 3:07 pm at 3:07 pm #1401472
Nu, funnybone, so please tell us how you determined that not eating is the proper etiquette even though eating is perfectly acceptable. 🙂November 12, 2017 5:11 pm at 5:11 pm #1401746
Joseph: In which book did you read that?November 12, 2017 5:16 pm at 5:16 pm #1401788
funnybone: My question to you is where’d you learn what the proper etiquette is, that you stated in your first comment on this thread.November 12, 2017 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #1401819
I responded, my experience …where did you learn its not as you stated.November 12, 2017 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #1401820
BTW I find it annoying that you keep on asking without regard for my responses…November 13, 2017 12:14 pm at 12:14 pm #1402159apushatayidParticipant
thats why most people ignore him (her?)November 13, 2017 12:23 pm at 12:23 pm #1402165
Comment # 1401024 apparently was one of those commenters that ignored her.November 15, 2017 12:35 am at 12:35 am #1403904WolfishMusingsParticipant
Why is the title about speaking and the actual question about eating?
The WolfNovember 15, 2017 1:42 am at 1:42 am #1403924
You speak to the parents while sitting at their dining room table with food to eat. Similar to if you were meeting a client for business at a restaurant.November 15, 2017 7:09 am at 7:09 am #1403926
It is not often I agree with Joseph but here I do agree.
Funnybone: In my experience, whether now as the parent or years ago as the bochur, proper etiquette was/is…..there was/is none. Some bochurim eat, some don’t.November 15, 2017 2:38 pm at 2:38 pm #1404268🐵 ⌨ GamanitParticipant
It depends on which community you are from. In my community standard practice is to have food on the table which nobody touches during the meeting. The first time you take a drink is when you drink l’chaim.November 15, 2017 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm #1404288
Gamanit: Which “community” is that? The community of 16th Avenue doesn’t touch the food whereas the community of 18th Avenue does eat the food? How are you differentiating “communities”? How did you determine what the community practice is? Or are you simply stating your personal preference or what you’ve seen.November 18, 2017 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #1405431oyyoyyoyParticipant
Ive been told not to eat. One girl i went out with i noticed the mother wasn’t respectful to the father (wasn’t looking for it, just noticed it.) We did some research and found out it was all ok, not explaining for privacy reasons.
Another girl i went out with had very nice parents and always gave us cold water bottles when we went out.
Was once leaving girls house with her and said to her mother, “wow, the challah really smells good” cause i try to be nice. The girl smiled and blushed, she made the challah.November 18, 2017 11:16 pm at 11:16 pm #1405467
The consensus is that whether to eat or not is a matter of personal preference and either way is perfectly fine.
That having been established, the follow-up is thus:
If the bochor plans to eat or drink something, should he make the Bracha Rishona and Bracha Achrona very loud so that the father and mother can say Amen to both?November 19, 2017 1:31 pm at 1:31 pm #1405766
I don’t expect the boy to do that as I never insisted that my children do that.November 19, 2017 1:59 pm at 1:59 pm #1405785
Isn’t it proper, anytime not just while dating, to say your brochos loud so that others can say Amein?November 19, 2017 5:07 pm at 5:07 pm #1405825
Joseph: your question (in bold font) said “very loud” not just loud. I never made my children say brochos very loud. They had to be audible to others but not “very loud”.November 19, 2017 5:07 pm at 5:07 pm #1405822WolfishMusingsParticipant
The first time I met my father-in-law was when he was sitting shiva, so no, I did not eat.
The WolfNovember 19, 2017 6:02 pm at 6:02 pm #1405818Dr. EParticipant
I recall hearing a maaseh amuhl, where the bochur came from a plain yeshivishe home. So, he only had access to the family 15-seater to pick up the girl (who came from from a wealthy family) for the first date. The Shadchan suggested that the girl pick up the guy from his house, as she owned her own b’kovidikke car. When she arrived to pick up the bochur, he was still eating his Melaveh Malka in the kitchen and was not yet ready. So, she sat with the mother in the Dining Room, with the mother offering her cookies and tea. And if I recall correctly, the girl DID eat the cookies at the time. Fast forward 10 years, the bochur’s family ended up giving them the old van and B”H it’s now half filled with Yiddishe kinder!November 19, 2017 6:03 pm at 6:03 pm #1405841
iac: Thanks for clarifying. Your thought is that the bochor should make the brochos loud enough for the parents to respond Amein, but not very loud. Correct?November 19, 2017 7:53 pm at 7:53 pm #1405931
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