i hope someone could help me...
im 18 years old and reading all the problems that everyone has with shidduchim/marriage/shalom bayis/children is really scary!
why dont we learn to good side to marriage to enourage us to WANT to date?!
scared to date...(18 posts)
I think dating can be the good part, the wedding and honeymoon even better. But then there is this getting older part that requires more maturity.
queens - great point!
Positivity is REALLY important, and I think our society in general really needs to work on that (or maybe it's just me lol). I think people who don't have as much trouble seeing the positive side of things often underestimate what effect they will have when they speak about the negative issues they have. They often don't realize that some people (myself very much included) DO have trouble motivating themselves if they don't have positive outside stimuli, and the overload of negative information can be very detrimental.
Having never been married, I can't really speak for it from experience, but to me some of the main benefits are having someone to share everything with, through good times and not so good, to know that no matter what someone else is there for you, and to be that person for your spouse. And by having a spouse and raising a family, you very much feel like you are doing the right thing; that responsibility, while being difficult, gives you the strong sense that you are accomplishing and growing in this world. Knowing that other people are relying on you (and that you are providing for them) can bring a very satisfying and fulfilling feeling. And knowing that your spouse cares for you more than for anyone else in the world, and knowing that he/she knows that about you as well, is one of the most powerful feelings in the world. And of course there's the satisfaction of seeing your children grow and learn.
You shouldn't be scared. It will be fine. You get a skewed picture from this site.
Not everyone at 18 is ready to get married, Its ok to wait a while until you are more ready.
Dont feel rushed, Take your time
heyy queens daughter-
i x either speak from experiance ( jus a lil too young!!) but i was at a rabbi klatzko leture and he was saying how people think marriage "solves all their problems" when in truth it justs adds. marriage is a wonderful thing and u learn a ton from ur spouse BUT it does NOT solve all ur problems and it requires both of them to work on themslevs and ompromise and give in and if u work on urself its rlly a good thing!!
i giv u a bracha u shld find ur bashert soooon and be rlly happy!!:)
B"H most people have happy marriages. Nobody will post, hey I have a great marriage!
That being said, a lot of marriags have issues that need ironing, you see a lot of those issues as questions in the CR.
Some marriages don't work out. You see some of those in the CR as well.
It's healthy and important for people to work out their differences. It's not a reason to not want to get married. On the other hand, I heard from R. Shlomo Brevda ZT"L that when parents have a bad marriage it does affect the children. Find someone to be your mentor! I can say that my Rav has been instrumental in my Shalom Bayis. (Yes, people should ask their questions to their Rav and not to the CR!!)
Hey I have a great marriage !! :-) bH
i think the frum world overemphasizes the stresses and struggles of marriage and i think that it is totally due to the jewish magazines
look at the thread titled jewish magazine weekly stories
have you ever read the problems from singles. i think it looks a lot more scary.
zahavasdad - having finshed seminary in the summer and a quarter of my class is either married or engaged, thats alot of pressure for someone who hasnt even started dating yet!
morahrach - im glad to hear good marriage is good, bH!! thanks for the encouragement....
but in school and seminary there is noone that says how amazing marriage is!
they just give us lists and lists of everything we should look out for and avoid....
It amazing some people want to live in a bubble
When you are married there are little things like the toilet seat up or down that can really bug people and there are big issues like Money, kids, and other issues not for this forum.
Some of these issues are solveable and some are more intractable (Money is always the toughest)
To say they dont exist is to live in a vaccuum, you try to make them work and do the best you can.
U absolutely should learn and read about the good side of marriage. Its up to u to find good examples. Fear alone won't help u but the reality is that scary things happen and there's nothing wrong with being cautious.
Well the idea is that if you do a good job dating by being a smart dater you limit the chances of falling for the wrong guy. If you marry a good guy and you both work on your marriage you should be very happily married. (Btw make sure you don't go out unless your mother did thorough and I mean thorough research on the boy I don't want to scare you but a lot of boys are not as good as they look on paper or from the outside view and if a boy was in a hefker velt yeshiva who knows what he has done and what he is all about so just be thorough and call everyone who knows him. Ok not everyone but you get my point ).
Rav Shlomo Brevda ZT"L emphasized that in shidduchim, to find out if the person has a close kesher with a Rav. If not, then if chas v'shalom problems arise, there will be nobody to talk to.
+ 100 a Rav or Rebbe, a Rebbe is more important in some ways because one is usually close to a Rebbe. (I dont bean a Rebbeh like Chassidish...)
Work on your emunah! Are you afraid to go to school because the economy is bleak? What about fly in airplanes due to safety concerns? Do you have any faith in your future prospects? Those of the Jewish people?
What is the alternative? stay single? or never date,or risk failure, disappointment? Only you can decided what chances you are willing to take with your future. Get guidance with whatever decision you make. Getting married young was my salvation, not so much for some of my friends.
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