It’s the Aseres Yemei Teshuva and our thoughts are filled with past wrongdoing and efforts to do better. It’s a time when we not only strive to do teshuva in areas of bein adam lamakom but seek forgiveness in areas of bein adam lachaveiro. Sometimes though, requests for forgiveness can feel like empty, habitual words, devoid of meaning and intention, resulting in more hurt than had they not been uttered at all. Teshuva between man and G-d is a yearly necessity because we are human and will mess up. By that same token, interpersonal repair is also a necessity, perhaps more than a yearly one, because we inevitably hurt others and often the ones we love the most.

What makes a relationship repair an authentic and meaningful one? We have all been subjected to apologies that aren’t really apologies. The classic “I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive” or “I’m sorry that you feel hurt” do little to bring healing or peace. A genuine repair requires a few simple steps, very similar to the steps in teshuva. A well known psychologist, Dr. Becky Kennedy, talks about these steps with regard to parents and children, but the pieces apply to any relationship.

1. Acknowledge what you did — with specificity and without blame or justification. Not “I’m sorry that I yelled but you weren’t listening” or “I’m sorry that I yelled but I had a really hard day.” The word but almost always erases an apology.
2. Name the impact — show that you understand how your actions landed. Example: “I’m sorry I yelled. That must have been scary for you.”
3. Say what you wish you had done differently — model the better version of yourself. Example: “I wish I would have taken a deep breath and spoken calmly instead.”
4. Reassure safety and love — remind the other person that the relationship can hold mistakes. Example: “Even when I make mistakes, you are safe with me and I love you.”

A good apology does not have the energy of wanting to end the discussion. The “I said I’m sorry, can we just get over it already?” vibe shuts things down. An authentic repair is about opening a conversation. It invites curiosity about the other’s feelings and how you impacted them, along with a willingness to listen, care, and take responsibility.

Just as repair requires courage and ownership, forgiveness requires skills of its own. Forgiveness is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression, better cardiovascular health, and greater emotional well-being. People who forgive report higher life satisfaction and stronger relationships. But forgiveness is not forgetting, excusing, or reconciling at all costs. It is a choice to release the hold of resentment while still honoring safety and boundaries.

1. Awareness of emotion — naming your own hurt instead of pushing it away. Example: “I feel angry that you spoke to me that way.”
2. Empathy building — considering the other person’s perspective, not to excuse but to understand. Example: “They snapped at me, maybe because they were overwhelmed.”
3. Cognitive reframing — seeing the offense as one part of a person, not the definition of their whole being, and certainly not your worth.
4. Letting go of revenge and rumination — choosing not to fuel thoughts of retaliation, which only keep the wound open.
5. Boundary-setting — allowing for forgiveness without unsafe reconciliation. Example: “I forgive you, but I won’t share personal secrets with you right now until trust is rebuilt.”

As we move through these days of teshuva, it helps to remember that both repair and forgiveness are not about erasing the past, but about strengthening the future. To repair is to say, “I see the pain I caused, and I want to do better.” To forgive is to say, “I will not let this hurt define you or me.” Together, they create relationships that can bend without breaking, withstand mistakes without losing love, and reflect the compassion that we ourselves hope to receive from Hashem.

Chayi Hanfling is a licensed clinical social worker who is experienced and passionate in helping individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in couples counseling, EFT, women’s health, anxiety management, OCD, trauma, and other mental health challenges. She can be reached at https://chaicounseling.org or [email protected]