There is a conversation quietly unfolding in our community that cuts across lines of background and affiliation. It is heard in yeshivish homes and modern ones, among families who are comfortable and those who are struggling. It comes up at Shabbos tables, in carpools, and in school hallways.The question is simple, yet difficult to answer: Why are we sending eighteen-year-old girls to a foreign country for an entire year?
Ask thoughtful parents for a calm, principled explanation, and many find themselves at a loss. They know it’s what is expected and it’s what “everyone does.” But when pressed to articulate why, beyond habit and social momentum, an explanation is nowhere to be found.
It was not always this way. There was a time when a year in Israel was a genuine choice, not an automatic next step. It was suited for certain girls who needed the experience, who were particularly motivated, or who were seeking something specific. Most girls stayed home, and no one saw that as a failure or a compromise. Families did not assume enormous financial burdens, and remaining in one’s community was considered normal and respectable. Seminary was an option, not a standard.
Over time, in many circles, that option became an expectation. And once something is assumed, it develops its own gravity. Comparison enters, acceptance letters become symbols, costs rise, and conversations that should be about growth and readiness instead become about rankings and reputations. The focus moves from what is right for this particular girl to where she “got in.” Alongside this come painful moments: the girl who was rejected, the girl whose parents cannot afford it, the girl who stays home and feels set apart or left out. It is fair to ask whether this is what chinuch was meant to produce.
The financial reality cannot be ignored. A year of seminary often equals or exceeds several years of high school tuition. Parents borrow, deplete savings, and stretch themselves far beyond what is healthy. When a family says, “We can’t afford it,” that statement should carry no embarrassment. Mortgages, groceries, and tuition for multiple children are real obligations. Financial responsibility is not a reflection of diminished commitment.
There is also an emotional cost. At eighteen, identity is still forming. When acceptances become markers of worth, girls absorb the message that their value is tied to an institution’s decision. Rejection feels personal. Staying home feels like settling. These impressions can shape self-perception long after the year ends. That is a heavy burden to place on young people who are still discovering who they are.
None of this is meant to deny the real benefits of a year in Eretz Yisroel. Many girls grow from the experience. But it is not the only path to growth. A bas Yisroel can develop beautifully in Lakewood, Chicago, Los Angeles, Monsey, or any community where Torah is lived sincerely. In earlier decades, Israel offered an environment that was markedly different from American life: simpler material conditions, exposure to talmidei chachamim who were rarely encountered elsewhere, and an intensity in ruchniyus that felt unique. Today, many American communities have strong schools, vibrant kollelim, and serious learning. In some cases, the level of gashmiyus is more restrained than people assume, while parts of Yerushalayim now offer comforts that exceed what these girls leave behind.
Cultural patterns rarely change through protest. They shift when enough families quietly decide to act in line with their values. Imagine parents calmly saying, “We are grateful for what exists, but please stop presenting seminary in Israel as the only respectable path.” Imagine if teachers consistently reinforced that staying home can be honorable, that financial responsibility reflects maturity, and that one size does not fit all. The pressure would ease almost immediately.
The truth is that many people question the system, but few feel comfortable doing so publicly. Even fewer feel comfortable doing something about it. As a result, the illusion persists. Parents are not naïve. They want the best for their children. They worry about limiting opportunities and about social consequences. Those fears are human. But fear should not define communal norms. Conviction should.
If seminary in Israel is a thoughtful, intentional choice for a particular daughter, that can be beautiful. But if it is driven primarily by pressure or status, it deserves honest reconsideration.
If enough families reach that clarity, this conversation will no longer be discussed in kitchens and carpools. It will simply become part of a healthier, more honest communal understanding of what growth and responsibility truly mean.
Signed,
S. Shapiro
The views expressed in this letter are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of YWN. Have an opinion you would like to share? Send it to us for review.
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12 Responses
In my day, when the girls finished High School in New Haven (Chabad serving all) those not going to college went off to seminary: Breurer’s in Washington Hts. No one went off to EY. One of my sister’s friends did go to a seminary in Switzerland for a half year course.
We did not send our girls of granddaughters to seminary in EY. If they wanted to experience EY it was a family or summer camp trip.
Lack of seminary in EY did not affect shidduchim.
a foreign country?????!!!?!?!?
You mean “home”
It’s a litvish invention, chassidish and sefardic don’t do this stupid custom. The same way they invented it they can uninvent it and stop complaining
ברך מדינת ישראל ראשית צמיחת גאולותינו
Spot on.
But unfortunately that applies to almost everything we do.
Homes
Cars
Sheitels
Yeshivas (for boys) or Bais Yaakovs
Weddings and all parties
Shabbos kiddushim
Vacations
and a whole lot more.
We’ve destroyed ourselves with our own hands! It’s high time we declare Enough! This is not the way its supposed to be. Girls should not be away from home. Parents do not need to become בעלי חוב for this silliness. The seminaries in Israel are not doing what they present themselves as doing. They collect mega fortune ls and leave the girls to fend for themselves for Shabbosim. So they call this one and that one – often relatives of one of the group – and invite themselves for Shabbos. The host often times cannot afford to buy the extra food yet can’t say NO when a girl calls on Sunday, “Can I come for Shabbos with 2 friends?” The Seminary feels that they’re responsible just 6 days a week – the 6 working days and they’re off on Shabbos. It’s disgraceful. It must be stopped.
Seminary is only important for the girls going into chinuch. If they have not received proper education in the 12 grades, the seminary is useless. It is also not needed for a girl that is going to be a full time housewife and raise a family. If they want to begin a career the seminary is again not needed. When my daughter graduated highschool, the school was pressuring her to continue with seminary. I asked her if she intended to become a kodesh teacher and when she said she wasn’t interested in that, we agreed that seminary was not what she needed at that time. She went to college, became a CPA and raised a family of 7 children.
In the perfect world, all parents will do what works for them and their children. People should stop doing what everybody else is doing!! who is EVERYBODY anyways?? I told my daughter before she started high school that she will not be going to seminary. I cannot afford $30,000 seminary if I can barely pay $ 13,000 a year in high school. If she’s interested in growth, there are bookstores full of books, and Torahanytime.com. Also Hashem makes shidduchim, not “good looking” resumes. Parents should have honest discussions with themselves and their children. That’s where it starts and ends.
The OP says “Why are we sending eighteen-year-old girls to a foreign country for an entire year?”
Halevai it was a year. It’s 9 months with a month break in the middle.
It’s an utter waste of money, to be followed by vastly unrealistic expectations of wedding costs, to be followed by many years of support.
Our high schools are teaching at an unprecedentedly high level. There’s really no requirement for a further study program.
A three month program would be realistic. Would allow our girls to taste EY and come back to start a career.
It will change when enough parents finally say to the sems; enough. We’re not doing it. Lower your prices, cut out the trips and iced coffees, give us a reasonable price, and we’ll think about it again.
The key words being “Torah lived sincerely”, and unfortunately most of the places listed do not by and large have Torah lived sincerely. We aim for that, I hope, but there is much more Torah lived sincerely in a very true undiluted way in Yerushalayim. If that’s not why the girl is going to seminary – then truly, there probably isn’t a point in her parents paying tens of thousands of dollars for a halfhearted experience.
Home? Moshiach has not arrived yet, it’s still galus. Granted it is a mitzvah to be in Eretz Hakedosha, there is no mitzvah for any child to wander around this hefkeirus of kids, with very little supervision. Boys, girls, restaurants, renting homes for weekends, etc…
Spending a week in Eretz Yisroel has taken on the feel of being on an American college campus. It would be nice if the draining of parents bank accounts ended with tuition and airfare, how about spending money required for the social life?
Some seminaries promote academic excellence, not all, but clearly the girls have too much free time on their hands. To add insult to injury, the seminaries coerce parents to sign a waiver that the seminary is not responsible for the kids.
The old saying is that the “proof is in the pudding when you’ve tasted it”. Who is impressed with the results coming back from seminaries today? Not I.
To add insult to injury,not too long ago splashed across the heimisha magazines was an order that girls after a year in seminary should wait another year to start dating. Why. So that the age shidduch problem can be solved. So girls have to suffer and many become older singles and even slip in their Yiddishkeit. Some don’t even get a call from a shadchan in a complete year. The seminary business must stop. Chassidim are smarter than the litvaks. They don’t waste thirty thousand dollars on seminaries. They started takanah wedding wedding halls. They marry off their kids young. Those he are forcing Jewish girls into staying single will burn in gihenom even if they have a long white beard.