Shmendrick-My $0.02 based on many years of Torah study lishmah
Off topic but boy would i love to give you a farherr to see how much your “Torah study lishmah” has made you a lamdan. It certainly hasn’t helped your middos. Instead of kabbala, learn a little Messilas Yesharim, Then you will at least realize you haven’t learned “many years of Torah study lishmah”
and be more sumpathetic to a fellow yid in pain.