Koldmamadaka, beautifully written post.
Not chatzuf, and not smart-alecky, but unfair, I believe.
There are two ways to approach the issue you address: logical, and emotional.
Regarding the former, it can be explained very well why chareidim feel that Torah learning should be chosen over army service, both from the perspective of the tremendous value of Torah, and from the perspective of the spiritual danger involved in military service in today’s reality.
If you argue emotionally about the fact that your son risks his life while others’ don’t, there is no way to counter that; it is true, and there is no way to convince you to be happy that you need to worry for his safety.
But the charedi approach is based in the former, reasoned approach, and your (and many others’) approach seems rooted in the faulty assumption that it’s based on not caring about your son’s safety, ch’v. That is why it’s an unfair argument.
I have stated that I feel strongly that everyone must feel hakaras hatov towards those who risk their lives to protect other Yidden. I should add, that I feel hakaras hatov towards the parents who send them, as well as sympathy for living with that “incessant dread”.
But that doesn’t mean I have to agree to the decision to send to the army, or make that decision for my son.
Let me again stress that I don’t either intend to be offensive. This is a very highly emotionally charged issue, and I in no way minimize the tremendous mesiras nefesh involved in sending a child to the army.