A Gitte Voch Keep Climbing!
First of all I want to tell that I went through a similar obstacle course (!) like you as a Bochur (probably worse).
I’m not a licensed Therapist (yet) , so speak it over with one before doing anything I tell you.
I wanted to give you a few tips that I think helped me, in order for this to help you can’t give up and even if you fall through, you just keep going:
1. If you ever have an urge to check if someone is looking, watching, laughing, at you in a negative way – DO NOT LOOK, it will be very painful because the natural instinct is to look. But Please do not look, you can do it.
How it works is that every time you don’t look you are subconsciously sending a message to your brain that you have nothing to be afraid of anyone laughing or watching you.
After doing so again and again the message becomes internalised.
2. Keep in mind that Hashem only sends Nisyones to people that could withstand the test, and obviously you could, If Hashem sent you this test.
3. I know, and you should know that you are a Strong person.
The whole thing you are going through is to develop your strongness just like an Athlete has to go through excruciating training to build his strength.
4. Never try to impress anyone other than Hashem. Never say anything because you want to impress someone, if you have a good joke say it because you’re enjoying life, and this is part of life. Never do something just to be cool. If you did something you feel cool about, do not look if someone saw you do that, enjoy it for yourself.
If you keep on teaching your brain that you do not rely on anyone but Hashem you will “Keep Climbing”.
You should also know that the whole social life in Yeshiva is a joke, now of course it’s very important to be social and you should always strive to be so, what I’m meaning to say is that give it a few years and you’re out of Yeshiva, and aside from the occasional Simcah you won’t meet your Yeshiva friends.
In conclusion don’t feel pressured about this too much, you will I’yh come it over, I feel so, seeing your personality in your writing.
I personally did not take Medication or go for Therapy, I think you could use a good Therapist that would connect to you.
I recommend Shmelka Klein from Toshia in Boro Park.
Keep Smiling Good days are coming!