Social anxiety

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    did any of us reject you?


    Dont think youre crazy for fearing rejection. Everybody does, only some people are bolder than others. Secondly, rejection does happen; its a part of life. Be it with friends, shidduchim, job interviews etc. So although you cant always avoid it, you can learn how to deal with it in case it does happen. Knowing youll be ok in the end no matter what happens gives you more confidence. For example, someone who was dating someone for a while and then gets rejected is bound to feel hurt. But they know that in the end theyll get married and be happy and that rejection was just a small bump in the road that they needed to cross to get to where they are now. You can also shift your perspective of what rejection means. If it means that youre a loser and unworthy, youll have an intense fear of being rejected. But if you say that rejection means that you simply didnt get what you wanted or expected then rejection is more about that rather than about you as a person. One last point. Imagine a man sees a diamond on the floor. Not knowing what its worth, he just throws it away. Does that tell you something about the man or about the diamond? Of course the man! So too,if someone rejects you, dont let that define your self worth. It simply says something about the one who rejected you. That person isnt worth your time. I know its easier said than done. But its possible. You can do it! That said, there are many good people out there who can turn into amazing friends. Try to break out of your comfort zone bit by bit and find those people!! Loads of luck…


    my moods fluctuate be depressed literely the next minute il be really a mess inside.i dont know where to start.and by some problems i dont know id they are real or not because the next second i wont feel them


    I dont know what the cause could be but maybe when youre feeling ok you all of a sudden have a fear that something could go wrong and that causes you to feel stressed out and unhappy.


    That’s normal. focus on fixing your problems, not on analyzing them .it also may be coming from your yetzer seeing that you are making progress. keep it up


    A Gitte Voch Keep Climbing!

    First of all I want to tell that I went through a similar obstacle course (!) like you as a Bochur (probably worse).

    I’m not a licensed Therapist (yet) , so speak it over with one before doing anything I tell you.

    I wanted to give you a few tips that I think helped me, in order for this to help you can’t give up and even if you fall through, you just keep going:

    1. If you ever have an urge to check if someone is looking, watching, laughing, at you in a negative way – DO NOT LOOK, it will be very painful because the natural instinct is to look. But Please do not look, you can do it.

    How it works is that every time you don’t look you are subconsciously sending a message to your brain that you have nothing to be afraid of anyone laughing or watching you.

    After doing so again and again the message becomes internalised.

    2. Keep in mind that Hashem only sends Nisyones to people that could withstand the test, and obviously you could, If Hashem sent you this test.

    3. I know, and you should know that you are a Strong person.

    The whole thing you are going through is to develop your strongness just like an Athlete has to go through excruciating training to build his strength.

    4. Never try to impress anyone other than Hashem. Never say anything because you want to impress someone, if you have a good joke say it because you’re enjoying life, and this is part of life. Never do something just to be cool. If you did something you feel cool about, do not look if someone saw you do that, enjoy it for yourself.

    If you keep on teaching your brain that you do not rely on anyone but Hashem you will “Keep Climbing”.

    You should also know that the whole social life in Yeshiva is a joke, now of course it’s very important to be social and you should always strive to be so, what I’m meaning to say is that give it a few years and you’re out of Yeshiva, and aside from the occasional Simcah you won’t meet your Yeshiva friends.

    In conclusion don’t feel pressured about this too much, you will I’yh come it over, I feel so, seeing your personality in your writing.

    I personally did not take Medication or go for Therapy, I think you could use a good Therapist that would connect to you.

    I recommend Shmelka Klein from Toshia in Boro Park.

    Keep Smiling Good days are coming!


    im feeling realy small and sometimes people bully me physicaly.not often but when they do it realy breaks my heart a realy sensitive noise to insults.i dont know what to do because it realy doesnt happen often and they dont realy hurt me just push me or stuff like that.its also only like 4 kids who do it .it makes me feel realy weak inside.where i am in yeshita working out is discoureged because it builds your ego.also im very sensitive to insults in general.sometimes kids younger than me will point out my shortness.i didnt pick this life


    I feel for you, I am extremely short and was bullyed too. mercilessly, in fact it came to a point where I had to change yeshivas. you may be in such a situation now where it would be best to switch to a higher level yeshiva where the age and maturity level is higher. once I got to the mir, the teasing all but stopped, and if anyone said anything a ” excuse me but I don’t appreciate that was enough to stop it” it may also help you to avoid those people and associate with more aidel people who you know wont push you around. and there is nothing to be ashamed about regarding your height. that’s how hashem created you and if someone points out your height, view it as if he said ” do you know that you have two eyes” its really the same thing.

    And short stature will not get in the way of life. I’m sure you know of all the gedolim who were incredibly short but even in the secular world, some of those who had humongous impacts were extremely short for example; Yuri Gagarin ,Mahatma Gandhi, James Madison,Ludwig Van Beethoven, Andrew Carnegie

    napoleon Bonaparte and Voltaire. Madison is the giant among these names at 5′ 4. these are some of the biggest name in music, philosophy, music, finance, and world events and they were all shorter then most in their era. take a page from them and don’t let your height get in the way. the only thing that matters is your will to succeed


    It sounds like youre really having a hard time. And im very shocked that boys of that age are still physically hurting you even if it isnt too often. When they do that, the best thing to do is to show it doesnt bother you. The same with people commenting about your height.itll be tearing your heart out but at least on the outside pretend that no matter what they do or say, itll have no impact on you.nothings wrong with going to a private place afterwards and crying or punching a pillow or something. Because if it does hurt you, you need to get it out somehow. The trick is not letting everyone catch on. Hopefully, after doing this for a while, theyll give up and end their antics . Apparently your height is really bothering you. True you didnt pick that; genetics did that to you. Its not your fault and you cant do anything to change it. Once you accept yourself as the amazing individual that you are, youll accept that too. Im assuming that height is a big issue by boys but once you get out of yeshiva and everyone starts living their own life, height wont play such a big role anymore. Youll see that iyh youll live the same quality life as those who are taller than you. About the working out… its discouraged because it builds your ego?!?! So go work out! I do every morning and it’s the best thing in the world. Theres nothing that makes you feel so empowered. Its also an awesome way to release stress.


    Im supposed to be studying for a murder final now but I cant stop thinking about this. I give you so much credit for sticking it out. Really


    thanks so much for the advice and the support.knowing that someone out there is rooting for me is amazing.theres a term *ain hakadosh baruch hu ba betrunia im briyosav* which means that that hashem doesnt give someone more then he knows they can handle.this has got me through some difficult times.i feel a little stronger now


    I agree with buisness1 100%. you are an inspiration for all of us. and about working out, I go to the gym everyday and besides for the health benefits, there are many other benefits as well for instance, it lowers stress levels and is a great confidence booster. those who are just post-workout rate higher for mood, memory and energy — and lower for depression, tension and anxiety. a reason why that is is that Exercise ‘exercises’ our feelings of control. We put one foot in front of the other. We move faster. We balance and re-balance. We respond to unexpected forces with activity. We are in control. We succeed. As a result, when we encounter other stressors in our life, we feel that we are more in control.

    And don’t think that working out is “goyish” that’s just dumb. if you feel uncomfortable lifting weights, then run on a treadmill or elliptical.


    @keep climbing: you bet were all rooting for you and we all have confidence in you! So happy youre feeling a bit better. Now I can study with a bit less worry 🙂


    Just letting you know that im thinking of you. Hope today was ok.


    im remembering 3 years ago.then like 5 kids used to make fun of me.sometimes they still realy an easy target.shy small low sele esteem.everyone else had a great fun year while i had social anxiety and got bullied.i dont know why hashem lets some people have good lives and for others they just cant have fun make friends.its not fair that it is this so scared when theres a few kids around and il join in or even walk by.these kids scarred me.even though it wasnt that odten but whenever i was around it always seemed like someone was exluding me or making fun of me.i am also having a hard time forgiving these kids for what they did.i feel like they deserve gehenom for what they did.i can remember in camp like 10 years i used to hit kids and one kid left early bec. of that.the thing is i hit them bec. i felt emety not to mane fun of was weird and i never realy rememberd that until now.i was a very good kid at school.never hit.i dont think this is conected but whatever


    I feel so bad about everything that youre going through. I was always told that high school isnt everything but I never believed it. Now that im graduating, I really see its true. Theres so much more out there and the kids who intimidated you arent going to be around you any more.and then real life starts and you figure out what you want to do with yourself and where you see yourself in a number of years. I dont blame you for letting those kids get you down because most people who would have to put up with this would go absolutely crazy. About forgiving them, I could tell you that youre only hurting yourelf by holding a grudge and things like that but as true as it is, its so so hard to let go of everything they did. Forgiveness doesn’t come easy at all. But im telling you from experience that time really does heal. One day when youre having an easier time iyh youll look back and be able to forgive them. Now youre feeling very resentful and rightly so. Please please dont be scared to walk past them or anything! Show that you arent afraid of them even if you really are! Thats the best comeback. I know its not so easy but try it a few times and then itll happen naturally. Yes, itll take lots of inner strength but like you said yesterday, Hashem doesnt give you something you cant handle. Thinking of you all the time (seriously) and im hoping that today will be a good day!


    I have so many things to say here but they’re not really forming anything solid… One thing which I repeat often: In my experience, if you look at the people you know who’ve been affected by a hard time they’ve been through in life vs. the other regular, wonderful, good people (and they are) you will see a big difference in character and emotional maturity. And whether you choose to go into a therapy-related field or not, you will IY”H come out of everything a much stronger person (look at your screen name!) and one way or another, I suspect you will use your experiences and devote time and energy to helping people who have faced bullying in life. Hang in there

    If you would consider switching to another yeshiva (smaller?) at some point, where you can get a fresh start and not get lost in the shuffle, that may be something to think about. Also if you have any hobbies (music, writing, kitchen, photography, whatever it is) devote time to it when you can- you’re allowed to have something to identify with by choice that you enjoy.

    (wordy alert!)



    I fail to understand the fear of being on medication for the rest of your life if you had high blood pressure or high cholesterol you would gladly take meds for it because you don’t want to die of heart disease why is anxiety medicine any different it will help you live a better life of at some later point you feel its not necessary than go ahead with a doctors advice stop taking it. Wishing you all the best.


    every time someone insults me i lose all my air and feel out of energy and stop wanting to do anything.does this happen to anyone else.


    It sure does! Its a normal feeling if you’re made to feel worthless. Here are some quotes that I live by. Thought you might like them too: 1)life doesn’t give you the people you want, it gives you the people you help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to support you to become the person you know you can be. 2)do it because they said you couldn’t 3) only G-d can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph, a victim into a victory. 4) youve only got 3 choices in life: give up, give in, or give it all youve got 5) when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on 6) tell the person who bullies you the most “its over,” and walk away from the mirror 7) you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have


    Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying ” no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”


    @keep climbing: hope you had a good day…


    i had an okay day.the days that im with my class are worse because of the bullying.i dont even think they mean it all the time in a bad way but i take it all very shouldnt be this way but it yirtze hashem it will get better.i had a slight question.why does hashem send people problems.mental health in particular if if the problems bring down their avodas hashem.ex. a confident outgoing person can acomplish much more than a shy persoo with a low esteem.and it could ae neither did any work to get them there.the shy guy has to work on himself just to reach the confidence of the second guy.and also serve hashem.the confident guy has it so much easier


    If you would have only read my post you wouldn’t of had so many questions.


    Im so happy to see you being more hopeful by saying that its going to get better. Dont lose that hope! Youre question is amazing! Although I don’t know the answer I have a few theories. Firstly, those confident people arent necessarily better in terms of their avodas hashem since they tend to think that all the their gifts and talents are their own doing. Secondly, theres no greater avodas hashem than working on yourself since thats the purpose of being on this world. One more point. Just watch some of those people when disaster strikes. They fall apart because they have no resilience.


    i dont real think i have almt of resiliance anyway.but working on onesele is not realy avodas just gives you a happher what im saying is some guys have a better life natrualy and some guys have to work for it and in olam habah all that work means zilbh in the amount of schar you get.


    Work on your spelling, grammar, posture, smile, and eye contact, and nobody will know how you really feel.


    Resilience comes eventually so although you may not see it now, you will eventually. Youll see that whatever youre going through is making you stronger. Working on yourself is a form of avodas hashem because we were out on this world to struggle and to become better people. Happiness is definitely a result of working on yourself but it isnt the only thing you get out of it. In addition, struggling with life situations and trying to do whats right translates into every aspect of your life. If you work hard on something and see it through until the end, youll be that way when it comes to doing mitzovs and things. And although it may look as though someone has a better life naturally,I can assure you that theres something that theyre struggling with. Nobodys exempt from problems!


    You know hashem really gave me a hard life.So many problems.So many challenges.So much when i was feeling realy down I cried to hashem and asked for moshiach.I asked him bezchus all the pain that I had in my heart.He realy did not give me a fair one of my classmates who im a little friendly with told me and some other guys when i was passing by ‘when i see :name: i just have the urge to tackle you.what kind of life is that.


    After reading what you wrote, I literally started crying. Maybe cuz im a girl but im really not the type to cry easily. Its just that its obvious how much pain youre in and I feel so so horrible about that. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I can give it to those idiotic kids who hurt you so much and who dont realize the impact of their actions. Its true that you have a lot to contend with and its so hard for you but I can promise you that it WILL get better. You wont have to spend the rest of your life this way. Please believe me.your experiences are making you into such an amazing person. Youre going to end up so strong and youre going to always be able to understand others in pain. I cant think of a greater virtue than that. Please stay strong… im thinking about you all the time…


    Thank you so much buisness1.hopefuly with hashems help it will get better.this summer im going to take care of all these problems im yirtzeh hashem.again thank you so much buisness1.


    I also started crying when I read your post. I’m thinking of you, and I daven that Hashem should give you the strength and wherewithal to overcome this difficult situation that you are going through!!

    And regarding the people that bully you: My Pre 1-A sister was once very upset at a girl in her class that constantly bothered others. She told me, “I daven to Hashem that He should help so-and-so stop bothering everyone.” When someone feels the need to put another person down, it’s truly they who have problems!

    BE STRONG and may you have much Hatzlacha and Se’ata Dishmaya!!!


    So happy to hear that! Have an awesome day!


    keep climbing,

    Please read this!!!

    I’m going to leave the real advice for those more experienced and mature than me. But I do have a few things I want to say.

    1. Dont think you’re alone in this situation. Just reread this thread- numerous people have admitted that they used to be in your situation and now are leading successful lives. There is hope.

    2. You need to realize that what you are going through is painful, but IT IS JUST A CHAPTER IN THE BOOK OF LIFE. I put that in caps lock because if you dont realize this, you will feel much unneeded pain. Yes, right now you may feel alone. But someday you will get through the tunnel, and will enjoy life.

    3. Find a rebbi that you feel is a person you look up to, and aspire to be someday, and TALK. Connect. It wasn’t so long ago that the highlight of my day was the time i spent on the coffee room. After i summed up the courage to open up to a rebbetzin that i respect, things changed SO MUCH! Reach out, please.

    4. Someday, you will think back to this awful period of time and thank Hashem for it. Hashem only tests you if He knows that you need it to reach your full potential. I know its hard to believe, but its true.

    you are in my thoughts and prayers,



    Thanks th art of moi for that post.The truth is I realy do need to work out my issues and talk to someone else about them.But its so so so SO hard for me to do that.ive talked to my teacher before but each time i got so nervous and i felt super self consious each time.I also didnt open up so much.I dont know how to connect to another person.And if i do connect to them ill feel that im getting to close to fast and that ill feel as if i own that its a lose lose situation for me.basically all unhealthy emotions I blame on myself and only feel that I could talk to someone if i know my problem and its not So embaressing.Also I feel that for alot of my problems to get taken care of i would have to be born again to get it fixed.also this is not just a chapter in my life.Ive been havhng the same problems for a long time now.Like ever since 2nd must be a really really long chapter.


    @keep climbing. Its true that its hard to open up to someone maybe because you have a fear of them betraying you. Like ive written in an earlier post,rejection happens and the key is not avoiding it, its learning how to deal with it. Like you said, its also embarrassing. Until recently,I felt like an epic failure because I had problems. I always wanted to be perfect. Then I realized that theres no such thing. I began going to a therapist and after going a few times,I feel much more able to open up to her. I actually began liking her which I never thought is possible. Its the smartest move for you to make. You know theres a problem and you want to take care of it which is awesome. About connecting to someone, its only possible if you like them or respect them. I hated the first therapist I went to because I didnt like her. That said, I realized I wouldnt gain from going to her because I didnt value her opinion. It certainly seems like its a long chapter but you have so many more years ahead ahead of you iyh. In comparison to all that,think of this as one chapter. Theres so much you can still become. Dont ever give up! Im thinking of you constantly throughout the day and hoping that youre ok and not upset. Youll get through this! I promise! I have one question though. You seem to have alot of emuna. How do you hold on to that when things are so hard?


    I need to have emunah.If i didnt i would fall apart much worse than now.knowing that hashem has a different mission for everyone is a comfert.hashdm is ein sof.the way my situation is right now it seems impossible.But if i connect to something thats higher than nature i know i can pull through.But honestly alot alot of times its hard to have emunah.Also the concept of hashgacha protis.meaning everything that happens is for the good.If it looks bad its still hidden good.Why did hashem create me with my problems my challenges?because he want everyones avodah to be on thier level.if he wanted a perfect world he wouldve created a world of malachim!.our perpose is to make a dwelling place for hashem in this physical im writing all this but sometimes its very hard to belive and live by.


    You bet its hard! I struggle with that alot. I know all those things on a logical level and its true that sometimes its easier to say than other times. For example, tonight I feel horrible. I feel fat even though im not really. I know its going to kill the next week because im going to keep being upset that I think I ate too much today. that gets me thinking things like why cant I be naturally skinny like so many other people? Why can everybody eat whatever they want and I need to watch every calorie? And I get really upset and dont accept the fact that this is how I was created. For some reason, i find it so hard to believe at times like this.


    its exremely hard for shorter than the average girl and im like on the 1 percentile.which basicly means that im shorter than almost not asking for 6 feet even 5 6 would be amazing.but im stuck in this tiny body


    Must be hard especially when heights important by boys. Its probably also frustrating that theres nothing to do about it


    KC, your story really touched me. only a couple years ago i was in a similar situation, lasting from childhood till about 10 or 11 grade. the difference is that i didn’t even realize there was anything wrong to do anything about. i guess HaShem helpes me figure it out. im glad you recognize that somethings up and that your seeking help. this makes is easier to cope with.

    anyways, im gunna jump right into things and tell you some of the things that helped me get over this stage of my life. (which i learned the hard way)

    1. this may seem very obvious but this was one of the best pieces of advice i ever got: people change! and sometimes that change will make people grow apart.

    2. it’s ok to be not-so-close friends with people. you dnt have to be best friends with all your friends. you can have friends that you only go out with once in a while and it’s o.k. This may be why you feel like you have to “own” friends. (i used to feel the same!)

    3. being quiet is an amazing quality if you use it correctly. people who are quiet think before they act, they are good listeners (something which the world needs more of!), they are introspective, giving them the quality to really work on yourself, and they are good observers and therefore have alot to say, but dont know how to sat it. with that said, it is very important that you take slow steps in talking more to people, even if they intimidate you- dont let them. if u are intimidated think to yourself who cares what they think, they have their own faults which can intimidate them and i have HaShem on my side.

    4. sometimes the yetzer hara will try to prevent you from doing the things you can do best, so whenever you fell shy or intimidated think is this something HaShem would want me to say or do now? it the answer is yes, theres nothing to be shy about, do the will of HaShem and speak if you have to, who cares what they think!

    5. this might be a funny tip but it helps. EAT HEALTHY. social anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain in the serotonin neuro pathways which can be fixed by eating healthy(as opposed to meds which you end up relying on) ( maybe look into the Rambams diet, there are books on it that helped many people)

    6. for the record, i was made fun of for being too tall when i was younger, being called the tall monster =).

    7. build a kesher with a rav/teacher/mentor. i made the mistake of not doing so.

    8. in your free time, DO CHESED, tutor, do favors for people, babysit, offer to help people, go to events,… the list goes on forev. Make yourself part of a community to help build your life up. this is how you build connections and possible friendships with people (even though these are very hard with social anxiety, push through!)even the smallest of things make a difference.

    9. i heard in a speech given by Chevy Garfinkle, In olam haze, HaShem doesn’t necessarily gi ve you what you deserve, HaShem gives you need to serve. use your challenges and grow from them.

    10. DAVEN DAVEN DAVEN!!!!!!!! i cant stress this enough.

    wow. didnt realize this would be so long. i guess this really brought me back. anyways these are things that helped me, i hope they help you too.


    @keep climbing: I hope you had a good day. Have a great shabbos! Hang in there…you could do it!


    Keep Climbing,

    Thinking of you all the time! Yes, this may be a very long chapter, but you will get outa it. In order to do that, however, you have to do some very hard stuff. You need to accept a fact- until you seek help for this issue, IT WILL NOT GO AWAY. You cant solve a problem using the same kind of thinking you used when you created it. Find a rebbetzin that can help you find a new mindset, or send you to a therapist that can. You may even need medication. But don’t look at your being medicated as a horrible thing! You need it- its just like taking meds for high blood pressure. You CAN make friends, walk into a room and not feel like everyone is looking at you and hating you, and feel comfortable having a conversation with someone. But in order for that to happen, you need help. Just approach a teacher at your school. Tell her that you’re very nervous to be speaking with her. Tell her how much you’re hurting. If she is a quality person, she will help you. I wish i could hook you up with a teacher i know… Oh well. Find a teacher that is sweet and warm. Dont go to an intimidating power house.

    you are in my thoughts and prayers,



    @keep climbing: didnt hear from you in a while… hope alls well…


    i was with my class today.i felt as usual realy akwerd and nervous.i relized that i cant start something by mysele i always bounce off s/o else.i dont know how to fix this and all my other problems.hopefuly il be aale to fix all this.


    kc: why don’t you get some shoe lifts that will make you look taller?


    I could get shoe lifts but in yeshiva thats impractical.Maybe when i get to shiduchim.


    Not necessarily do you need to start things. you could go with the flow. Bouncing off someone else is not always a problem ( unless you physically bounce off them, which could hurt)

    and plus I want you to understand this very well YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY PROBLEMS! you have issue that you need to work on, but that change of perspective would do you well


    Keep climbing,

    I dont agree with to be or not to be. Lets face facts:

    – you are being bullied by the people around you and no one is helping you deal with it.

    – you have no self esteem.

    – you have no support system.

    – you are blaming the above facts on your appearence which is a very foolish thing to do. There are many people out there that are not models and yet lead very successful lives. Right now, you are stuck in a cycle where people at the cr are trying to help you, but all you’re doing is saying that you DONT need a therapist, you just need Hashem to perform a miracle in which you grow a foot overnight


    Im not constantly being bullied.Maybe once or twice a day.Now i realy want to take care of these issues.I am going to a therapist but officialy only for social anxiety.I would find it very hard to tell truthfully all my other issues to someone.And I feel some of my feelings are unhealthy and those are the hardest to say.Any thoughts? buisness1?

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