KC, your story really touched me. only a couple years ago i was in a similar situation, lasting from childhood till about 10 or 11 grade. the difference is that i didn’t even realize there was anything wrong to do anything about. i guess HaShem helpes me figure it out. im glad you recognize that somethings up and that your seeking help. this makes is easier to cope with.
anyways, im gunna jump right into things and tell you some of the things that helped me get over this stage of my life. (which i learned the hard way)
1. this may seem very obvious but this was one of the best pieces of advice i ever got: people change! and sometimes that change will make people grow apart.
2. it’s ok to be not-so-close friends with people. you dnt have to be best friends with all your friends. you can have friends that you only go out with once in a while and it’s o.k. This may be why you feel like you have to “own” friends. (i used to feel the same!)
3. being quiet is an amazing quality if you use it correctly. people who are quiet think before they act, they are good listeners (something which the world needs more of!), they are introspective, giving them the quality to really work on yourself, and they are good observers and therefore have alot to say, but dont know how to sat it. with that said, it is very important that you take slow steps in talking more to people, even if they intimidate you- dont let them. if u are intimidated think to yourself who cares what they think, they have their own faults which can intimidate them and i have HaShem on my side.
4. sometimes the yetzer hara will try to prevent you from doing the things you can do best, so whenever you fell shy or intimidated think is this something HaShem would want me to say or do now? it the answer is yes, theres nothing to be shy about, do the will of HaShem and speak if you have to, who cares what they think!
5. this might be a funny tip but it helps. EAT HEALTHY. social anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain in the serotonin neuro pathways which can be fixed by eating healthy(as opposed to meds which you end up relying on) ( maybe look into the Rambams diet, there are books on it that helped many people)
6. for the record, i was made fun of for being too tall when i was younger, being called the tall monster =).
7. build a kesher with a rav/teacher/mentor. i made the mistake of not doing so.
8. in your free time, DO CHESED, tutor, do favors for people, babysit, offer to help people, go to events,… the list goes on forev. Make yourself part of a community to help build your life up. this is how you build connections and possible friendships with people (even though these are very hard with social anxiety, push through!)even the smallest of things make a difference.
9. i heard in a speech given by Chevy Garfinkle, In olam haze, HaShem doesn’t necessarily gi ve you what you deserve, HaShem gives you need to serve. use your challenges and grow from them.
10. DAVEN DAVEN DAVEN!!!!!!!! i cant stress this enough.
wow. didnt realize this would be so long. i guess this really brought me back. anyways these are things that helped me, i hope they help you too.