I’m so annoyed- I just wrote this whole long post to Cuzimjewish and it got erased by mistake… Oh well, gam zu letova. I guess I’ll try again.
So in my post, I was writing about how so many people that are ffb have such a harsh relationship with Hashem. We feel like we’re constantly being judged- good girl, bad girl.
I heard a shiur by Rivka Malka Perlman, in which she discussed a medical emergency she had been through. When she left the hospital, she looked around at the world and noticed all the love Hashem is constantly pouring down on her- and on all of us! And that made her realize how wrong she had gotten it. She used to think (like you, me, and every other frum teen) that life was as follows:
Do the wrong thing= get punished
Do the right thing= get rewarded
Try harder, work better, make the most of your life.
NO! That is not what Hashem wants. He doesn’t want us to be wracked with guilt- He is our father! We were born cuz Hashem wants to send love to us. He gives us gifts cuz He believes in us, and He wants us to use those gifts to bring light to the world. He is encouraging us every moment of the day, and He is quick to forgive! You know who’s slow to forgive? We are. We don’t forgive ourselves for our mistakes but He does.
“I’m sorry Hashem, I did this wrong, could You help me fix this?”
“Of course, my darling, of course I’m going to help You! Come on, let’s try again!”
And you know what? He gives us another day. We’re not banished from the world and sent to sit in a tub of fire cuz we make mistakes! We make mistakes cuz we’re human. Hashem thinks we’re adorable!
These days, I don’t have guilt, I don’t have a constant conflict. Not because I’m perfect, and never do aveiros, but because I’m trying. And you know what? If I mess up- which I will, cuz I’m human, then I can fix it right away!
Get out of this mentality. It’s not me against Hashem, it’s us together.
Hope this helps.