self squashing and growth

Home Forums Inspiration / Mussar self squashing and growth

Viewing 41 posts - 1 through 41 (of 41 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #613669

    I’m a person with a strong desire to grow, and I’ve always been told that I have a treasury of kochos and the potential to go far in life- but I have, y’know, my yeter horos like we all do, and I do things at times that I shouldn’t do. And then the guilt I feel makes me eat myself up and squash myself, and I feel empty and valueless. In general, I feel like all my qualities are under lock and key deep inside me, and only the minimal seeps through. Any suggestions on how to break out and grow to be the real me to my fullest, without constant judgment and feeling low?

    #1034792
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    ???? ???? ??? ????????

    #1034793
    Randomex
    Member

    You’re just like everybody else, can’t you tell?

    You hold the key to both realities.

    Talk to your rebbi, etc., about this.

    This is pretty much what everybody feels, as I figure (except those people who manage to refrain from following their yetzer just about ever).

    #1034794
    squeak
    Participant

    Try HGH

    #1034795
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    Isn’t that what we all are hoping for, deep down? The ability to turn off our inner critic and be the person we know we can be…

    Listen to shiurim, know that Hashem loves you, even with all the stupid things I’m sure you’ve done(hey, ur human!)

    #1034796
    peacefull
    Member

    First, Tfilah – Daven and plead to Hashem that he should help you find your true self and your true abilities, and that he should constantly guide you in the right path, beg him to help you utilize your Koichos Hanefesh to get closer to him, through Torah and Yiras Shomayim and Midos Tovos, beg him to give you calmness, Simcha, Minuchas Hanefesh that you should succeed in your great work.

    Talk to him and beg him – he’s alive and with you, he loves EVERY Yid.

    Second – you gotta work, focus on your steps which are ahead of you…..

    Chazak

    #1034797

    Squeak- what’s HGH? Healing Guilty Hirhurim?

    The rest of you- thanks. I know teshuva and tefilla are called for, especially this time of year- but is that really the answer to- as Letakein Girl says- “The ability to turn off our inner critic”? And if it is, in what way?

    #1034798
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    I don’t think teshuva and tefilla will affect your negative thoughts- unless you daven for Hashem to help you in this area, obviously. I’m not really sure how to work in this issue. Here are two suggestions:

    1. Work on your bitachon. If you believe that every mistake you make is from Hashem, you won’t beat urself up about it.

    2. Every time you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, replace them with positive thoughts. I remember reading a list of positive things to think on divreichizuk.com. If you can’t find it there, just google for a list of positive thoughts.

    I remember hearing Mordechai Weinberger LCSW talking about mind chatter. He said that if someone else would tell us the things we say to ourselves sometimes, they would be labeled bullies. Don’t bully yourself!

    Hope this helped!

    #1034799

    Substituting with positive thoughts doesn’t negate the negative thoughts; it just pushes it away for the time being but the thought still niggles. But I liked what Weinberger said. It’s true! Thanks!

    #1034800
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    I remember reading someplace that if you keep replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, your brain eventually gets the hint. There’s no off button, if that’s what ur looking for. 😉

    #1034801
    peacefull
    Member

    It’s all about Emunah, believing that Hashem accepts your Tshuva, your Tfillah, feeling safe with Hashem.

    #1034802
    Randomex
    Member

    Try HGH

    Squeak- what’s HGH? Healing Guilty Hirhurim?

    Human Growth Hormone. Hard to believe I didn’t realize it at the time…

    [Pointless(?): I remembered Alan Morinis having a good quote in one of his books about forgiving yourself, but I can’t find it now…]

    #1034803

    lol

    #1034804
    cozimjewish
    Member

    eb – are you my long-lost twin???

    #1034805

    Yes! I am. And I’ve been waiting for you all these years. I always knew we’d find each other one day. And now that day has finally come and….(sniffle, choked sob, tears streaming and heart overflowing…. Running with outstretched arms, and…..as the lights dim- huuuuugggggg.) Curtains close. Exit stage left.

    Why- you also have a soul that longs to be close to its creator and to be good? 🙂

    #1034806
    cozimjewish
    Member

    Yes I wondered if I sleepwalked and wrote the original post, except that it has your username next to it 🙂

    It’s so hard!!!

    #1034807
    cozimjewish
    Member

    BTW – glad to have found you at last, that was quite a moving scene 😉

    #1034808
    cozimjewish
    Member

    Another thing is that I was born on Shabbos, and we learnt that if someone is born on Shabbos they have an attachment to kedusha. But how can I have an attachment to kedusha in this generation? I still do have an attachment to kedusha – I really want to be better. But I am also attracted to other things, and that’s when I do things I shouldn’t do. Also, in your original post, did you mean that you feel you have talents but you don’t use them to their full potential or for the right things? ICR! 🙂

    #1034809

    ?? ????? ????? ???? ???? ????

    “Also, in your original post, did you mean that you feel you have talents but you don’t use them to their full potential or for the right things? ICR! :)”

    Yup

    In which way do you relate?

    #1034810
    cozimjewish
    Member

    Don’t want to say too much – don’t want to give myself away

    #1034811
    Randomex
    Member

    (I am proud of myself for not having had to Google ICR. {It’s “I can relate,” right?} )

    cozimjewish:

    Assuming kedusha is possible in this generation, you’ll have a better shot at it.

    (Taking “attachment” to an extreme, we could even assume only you and those like you will have a shot at it!)

    If it isn’t possible at all, then your attachment won’t matter… (I doubt that’s the case, though.)

    My spider-sense is telling me you’re from England or Israel, but not America. Am I right?

    #1034812
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    I’m so annoyed- I just wrote this whole long post to Cuzimjewish and it got erased by mistake… Oh well, gam zu letova. I guess I’ll try again.

    So in my post, I was writing about how so many people that are ffb have such a harsh relationship with Hashem. We feel like we’re constantly being judged- good girl, bad girl.

    I heard a shiur by Rivka Malka Perlman, in which she discussed a medical emergency she had been through. When she left the hospital, she looked around at the world and noticed all the love Hashem is constantly pouring down on her- and on all of us! And that made her realize how wrong she had gotten it. She used to think (like you, me, and every other frum teen) that life was as follows:

    Do the wrong thing= get punished

    Do the right thing= get rewarded

    Try harder, work better, make the most of your life.

    NO! That is not what Hashem wants. He doesn’t want us to be wracked with guilt- He is our father! We were born cuz Hashem wants to send love to us. He gives us gifts cuz He believes in us, and He wants us to use those gifts to bring light to the world. He is encouraging us every moment of the day, and He is quick to forgive! You know who’s slow to forgive? We are. We don’t forgive ourselves for our mistakes but He does.

    “I’m sorry Hashem, I did this wrong, could You help me fix this?”

    “Of course, my darling, of course I’m going to help You! Come on, let’s try again!”

    And you know what? He gives us another day. We’re not banished from the world and sent to sit in a tub of fire cuz we make mistakes! We make mistakes cuz we’re human. Hashem thinks we’re adorable!

    These days, I don’t have guilt, I don’t have a constant conflict. Not because I’m perfect, and never do aveiros, but because I’m trying. And you know what? If I mess up- which I will, cuz I’m human, then I can fix it right away!

    Get out of this mentality. It’s not me against Hashem, it’s us together.

    Hope this helps.

    #1034813
    cozimjewish
    Member

    Randomex – good job yes, it does stand for I can relate 🙂 what do you mean, “those like you” meaning, those born on Shabbos? I didn’t really understand your post. I don’t want to say where I am from….but I am curious why you think I’m from England/Israel and not America! (Is it coz I said learnt, not learned?) Another thing to keep in mind: (not that I’m denying that I’m not from America – just saying): I post at crazy hours of the morning (e.g. 4am) I’m a teenager, that’s what we do. 🙂 So time of my posts doesn’t necessarily indicate time difference.

    #1034814
    cozimjewish
    Member

    LG – thank-you so much. I really appreciate it. Although, I do realize that It’s not “Me vs. Hashem” chas vshalom. I know that Hashem is willing to give me chance after chance. But why do I have to keep using them all???

    #1034815
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    Cuz you’re human!

    Hashem created you. Inside of you, and inside of every single human being out there, he created a bug of sorts, that causes us to make mistakes. But unlike bugs on apps, this bug isn’t a mistake. Hashem created you so that you could get pleasure from basking in His presence, according to the Mesillas Yesharim. If it would be straightforward to do re right thing, with no struggle, then it would be cheating to give you that pleasure. You wouldn’t deserve it! Would you reward an app for doing what it’s supposed to? No, cuz it never had the choice. Unlike us, it doesn’t have bechira. The fact that you keep falling, keep making mistakes, that is exactly what will allow Hashem to give you Olam Habah.

    #1034816
    cozimjewish
    Member

    I’ll need to think about this…..thank-you LG

    #1034817
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    Hey, no prob.

    It’s fun getting up on my Rebbetzin soapbox. 😉

    I’m not sure if I make sense, just trying to share some of my perspectives on life.

    #1034818
    cozimjewish
    Member

    LG – Yes you do make sense.

    Randomex – could you answer me please???

    #1034819
    Randomex
    Member

    Yes and yes. 🙂 Good job.

    #1034820
    cozimjewish
    Member

    Randomex – you still didn’t tell me why you think I am not from America! 🙂

    #1034821
    SayIDidIt™
    Participant

    LG, is their an update to fix the bug?

    #1034822

    what most people call self squashing and what they avoid doing to themselves is not self squashing at all, its usually just to lazy to shteige and change, and unless you try change over night them yes you do hold on to you own techunois hanefesh even if it may seem to others as if you have become boring.

    #1034823
    cozimjewish
    Member

    HB – welcome to CR! BTW, is your username describing your attitude or your appearance?

    #1034824
    doleofyou
    Participant

    why would Hashem want you to be a veg? Surely one is allowed to live a bit with character and personality?

    #1034825
    Chortkov
    Participant

    brisker: sounds like just the thing a heavy brisker would say. While that is definitely the way one should be shoef (ambition) – to become a full eved Hashem without any need to be yourself (or better put, that being yourself would be an eved Hashem), that is extremely difficult in 2014, and doing that would be detrimental in the long run, and therefore entirely wrong. The eitzah is to try be a better person on the whole but only truly work on one thing at a time.

    #1034826

    cozimjewish- thanks for the welcome, the answer is, as much of one as of the other.

    doleofyou- i am not saying that the ribonoi shel oilam necessarily wants you to be a veg but, he definitely does not want you to spend your life avoiding being a veg on the expense of growth.

    yekke 2- i did say not to try grow overnight.

    #1034828
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Explain what “change overnight” means if not becoming a new person ie turning over a new leaf overnight?

    #1034829

    y2- that is what i meant, in other words we were not arguing, i said just dont do it overnight, you said one thing at a time, i said not overnight, basically all the same thing.

    #1034830
    Letakein Girl
    Participant

    Sidi,

    Lol, I wish! 🙂

    Actually, that would turn us into angels. I’ve always wanted to fly…

    #1034831
    Chortkov
    Participant

    Why does one thing need to be done overnight?

    #1034832

    yekke2 fair enough, on the basic concept of not rushing (due to impracticality) we agree on, just before i was pointing out that if one does turn in to what poeple consider a robot/veg/boring/no personality guy then its not the end of the world, and if you do workk on one thing at a time then you retainn your intrinsic personallity, you have not said if you to that. regards

Viewing 41 posts - 1 through 41 (of 41 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.