hashtagposter – I just went through the same earthshattering, mindblowing experience you did and it shook me down to me very foundation. (both your first problem, and your second) I said the exact same words you did as well, that if my yiddishkeit was not so strong due to so many hardships, I would have lost faith. It is sooo unbelievably painful, and I live in a town small enough for everyone to know exactly who I would be speaking about, so I can bearely even go to anyone for support. It has been an excruciating recovery, and I am not there yet. B”H you found someone, anyone, to validate your feelings. I am working hard on trying to figure out where to go for help to get through this without pulling someone else in (by sharing the information I have)so I can sleep at night.
Whatever the purpose for all of this, just be glad you arrived to the other side and think how strong you will be for the next person who comes along and needs help.
Much much much hatzlocha!