I will repeat myself by your continuously saying your mind is screwed up, your begining a domino effect, which isprobably not creating anything good.
And why is it pointless to pretend? eventually it will become a part of you.
You say your heart is in the right place and I could gave told you that. It seems to me that deep down, you want to do good and be good and are looking for a way tyo accomplish that. Pray for it. strengthen your relationship with Hashem and no tefilla is ever wasted, if it wont help you today, itll help you tomorrow. it seems like you pray from the heart and there is nothing more complete and whole to HKB”H than a broken heart looking for solutions. I can tell you from experience, Hashem is a very good listener, and if you sincerely believe that He loves you, as no one else ever will or can, and that He wants the best for you. You will reverse directions and become greater. I only know you as a member of the CR, but it seems to me you are really a wonderful person whos looking for a light in a seemingly dark room. I guarantee you its there, but if you won’t look for it, you definitely can’t see it. Ask Him for help, because Hes the only one who can.