(i’m so sorry mods that you have to read through all my gobblygook before approving :()
moish- I logged in to YW today JUST to see your response here. Guess what? I don’t have an answer, but I do have a lot to say (poor you).
One point at a time:
I did mention it’s a heavy turnaround and this is huge stuff. It’s ultimately your decision.
I was mulling over all that’s been said and I came to realize that a big part of your struggle is due to you being the oldest. A lot is expected of the oldest. The oldest has responsibilities, they’re mature beyond they’re years, they do not have older siblings to follow, look up to or ask advice of. The list goes on- you were probably expected to be a sort of role model. And being the demanding(on yourself), brilliant, perfectionist that you are- the second you made a mistake, or in your eyes you didn’t fully perform/live up to expectations, you just dropped the whole thing and took the easy way out. Now you’re enjoying easy street and all the non-pressure there.
But this “break” you took in life will have to end some time soon. Wouldn’t you rather be in control and make conscious decisions rather than just being swept along with the whole crowd of what’s hip and the in thing to do?
You do not have to drop your entire life at a shot. Just start. Start working on something small. When you get used to it, move onto something else- also small. You’ll build like that for a long while. Hopefully, at this point, you will have involved others and they become your new support system, friends etc. You will integrate into a different life style that automatically surrounds you with different type of people.
I am not one of those that changed from Z to A. It was mostly internal. And along the way things around me changed subtly. Only now, when I look back, do I realize- wow- I really changed.
I have no right to ask you to do anything. But please at least consider where and what you’re up to in life and what has happened to your way of thinking since you joined the CR.
PS- listen to your heart
and… change takes years- please go easy on yourself and have patience