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Patur Aval Assur
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“Are You a Good Jew”

TTTO Do Your Ears Hang Low

(I don’t really know how the end of the tune goes so the following stanzas are each just the first part of the tune and then the next stanza starts over again. For instance, in Moderator 42’s song it would correspond to “Is your beard five foot three? Does it itch you like a flea? Can you tie it to a dock? Can you tie it to a tree?” and then the next stanza would begin from the beginning of the tune. It might take you a few tries to figure out how to make the spacings and emphases fit the tune, but I assure you they all fit.)

do you learn Gemara

do you say a sevara

do you skip through all the complicated agadita

is it Iyun that you pound

or is your goal to cover ground

what is your derech halimud is it valid is it sound

is it halacha lemaisa

or lomdus like the shev shmaitsa

or perhaps it’s the Slabodka style of Mussar that strikes ya

do you hold like the Rambam

or the Tashbetz’s responsum

about whether taking money is permitted or a problem

do you follow a mesorah

do you listen to Daas Torah

do you ordain female rabbis based on Biblical Devorah

how ’bout Talmud for women

or an all female mezuman

can a lady be the chazzanit in a partnership minyan

are your haskafos krum

even though you seem quite frum

remember it’s a bigger disqualification than a mum

do you consider it baseless

to reinstitute Techeiles

or perhaps it is because for your Tzitzis you want to pay less

what are your standards of kashrus

do you pedestalize yashrus

how much money do you spend do you live a life of pashtus

is it your greatest ambition

for your kids to gain admission

to a school a school that doesn’t take all your life savings for tuition

what’s your stance on metzitza

or a transparent mechitza

would you be open to yibum or do you stick to chalitza

what about the shidduch crisis

does it scare you more than ISIS

when you tell the shadchan no is the look on her face priceless

does your husband put his feet up

when you ask him to help cleanup

are you regretting not insisting on a halachik prenup

how big is your kezayis

do you go on Har Habayis

do you spend nine hours davening a day are you pious

where do you place your reliance

in Chazal or modern science

if they contradict each other which of them gets your compliance

do you create mitzva towers

by doing your chessed hours

do you say lesheim yichud before your erev shabbos showers

did you go to BJJ

because of what people would say

when they see it emphasized on your shidduch resume

if Brooklyn is your home

do you say Shabbat Shalom

or do you refuse to acknowledge the sanctity of the yom

divine omniscience and bechira

how do you resolve the stira

and I need to know if you rely on the heter mechira

would you go to a casino

did you boycott Borsalino

what’s your Jewish perspective on the paradoxes of Zeno

are you a Zionist

or Yeshivish with a twist

Hallel on Yom Ha’atzmaut I think you get the gist