Rivka’s father-in-law was the richest man in the world, so that’s hardly an apt example.
Immigrants from Europe gave to their kids according to their means. Overspending to absurdity required an American hashpa’ah.
“There is however a concept in Tzeddakah of giving according to the receiver’s standard”
That depends on the circumstance. It means if someone’s luck has changed, he’s provided for at his original station in life. It doesn’t mean the community must provide lavish weddings for those who could never have afforded them in the first place just because they want them.
“blaming a father for wanting his kids’ happy and provided for when realistically the couple won’t be able to afford all this stuff in the near future is counterproductive.”
Actually, I think you’ve articulated a most productive approach. The parent should, rather than being a spineless jellyfish, have the guts to tell his kids exactly what’s been said here. Number one, you don’t deserve anything. You only get what you earn and what other people feel like giving you out of the kindness of their hearts. Number two, you don’t automatically get fancy apartments, vacations, ridiculous weddings, and beautiful furniture. Number three, if you’re working then you’re expected to pay for your own stuff and live within your means, and if you’re learning then basically you’re living off tzedakah and you have no right to expect more than the basic necessities. And if the kids don’t understand that then they are probably too immature to be married anyway. And if the kollel guy doesn’t understand it then he’s got real issues with the relative importance of learning vs gashmius.