Okay, okay.
#1. Maybe I wasn’t clear about the jewelry, and you’re right about not spending too much on it. I know we’re not all wealthy, but my point was that kallas were showered with jewelry since at least his time, with differing degrees of extravagance. And you’d be hard pressed to find a Kallah that forgoes all jewelry. It’s part of what makes the engagement exciting and shows the world (or her friends) hey I’m engaged to so and so. Not so much fun to say “and so and so doesn’t think I’m worth spending on.” I’d call that a community standard, which is A SIMILAR CONCEPT, not exactly the same, as providing so one can continue to live like one has before losing their wealth. Maybe I’m off base a little but it sure would be bushos, in our community, for a Kallah not to be able to show off. So it’s definitely Tzeddakah to spare her embarrassment. That’s where CZs, etc. may come into the picture to save money, and that’s a total new topic I’m not going to address now.
#2. I never mentioned vacations, extravagant weddings or lavish apartments. Besides for the gifts I was talking about basics which most of us have growing up – decent linen, pots and pans, dishes, clothes, and yes furniture. Not the most expensive or lavish still adds up when it comes to a wedding and setting up a new home. It’s a fresh start for the couple so you wouldn’t want her to walk around in her torn slippers etc.
#3. Most girls that work pay for part of the expenses, but it usually doesn’t cover enough. The reason, at least in my circles, all this is given is because after they’re married the couple is more or less on their own. And nowadays that’s hard enough EVEN WHEN a lot is provided beforehand. I’m not touching the Kollel debate.
So bottom line, if the parents, and you and me, have no furniture, dishes, linen, didn’t receive kallh jewelery etc. one can think of asking his child to do without. And not because the child is immature. Because it would be a very bitter pill to swallow, and most parents don’t want to hurt their kids like that. We want our kids to get married with a positive outlook, and for most of us mortals nice things, and a dirah nueh are helpful tools.
So I’m all for takanos and minimizing expenses, but I don’t see a wedding of rolls and salami in a shul anytime soon. Or a basement studio apartment with hand me down linen.
And I agree with you about American materialism creeping up on us, the question is how to curb it, not how to quit helping each other out financially.
End of rant…