Hey DY – sometimes its embarrassing to not have what everyone else has. This is because our society has made it embarrassing to be poor. And regardless of embarrassment, the couple will still get married. Ask 10 couples you know and they will surely tell you of a detail of their engagement and wedding that was painful. And that does not mean that they are not happily married! It hurts to be denied something that you feel is expected. I’m not gonna deny that. But life is not about comfort, it’s about struggle and overcoming challenges. Understanding your inlaws finances or your parent’s goes a very long way to achieving a real relationship.
The way to change this is grassroots, be open with your kids what you can and can’t afford. Sure, when you tell them that there will only be fruit and cake by the shmorg, or that the ring is only .75 carats then they will probably be a bit upset. You can’t change that. Engagement is a very “gimme gimme” time. You’re dropping thousands upon thousands of dollars left and right and it makes a young chosson kallah see opportunities. It’s not their fault, its the nature of the beast.
I’m asking for maturity. As parents you need to think in a nonselfish way, sometimes, doing what is not popular is best for you and your child in the long run. You may not make friends at first. Sure, everyone loves the parent who gives ice cream for supper and lets you stay home from school whenever you want. How many people love the parent who gives healthy food and insists “homework before playtime”?
As a shtell tzu, how many kallos love the inlaw who skimps on the diamond bracelet because they want to give the couple an extra 1000 as wedding money? Or just because, they have their own reasons why they won’t pay.
Trust me, its hard to show off a painfully obvious non-kallah bracelet…it’s very difficult. It’s shamefully difficult that friends make it so difficult. But I would never trade my husband for a 3000 dollar piece of metal and shiny pebbles. And when you look beyond the “what did they give me?” mentality, the inlaws and the parents are quite nice people with their story and struggles and love that they have for their children. People are always worth more than things.