moish- back to the entire hashkafa discussuion on page 3: when I read your long response post to all the replies you got, I kept repeating to myself “this boy is 16? this boy is 16?”. Seriously, I thought it was written superbly well and you expressed yourself extremely clearly. Plus- the hashkafos sounded very well balanced (in my opinion) and it was so DEEPLY HONEST and REAL.
I only got to skim through this discussion so I apologize if I repeat something.
I have 5 (long) points:
– you do not want to hear this, but I said it a while ago & I’ll reiterate: Hashem gives you the tools to withstand a nisayon. He will not test me with something there is no chance of withstanding. You just need to WANT to fight, to pass the test. You apply that will/desire, and Hashem will help you the rest of the way. (It took years until maturity set in & I was able to internalize and utilize this.)
– Regarding the person with greater desires: Hashem bestowed upon you greater strength to fight this desire and to channel it to do the right things. In this I can really relate. It is a constant struggle, every minute of the day. You win some, you lose some. But you have to keep struggling- it’s the aim of the game! And again- you have to WANT to do the right thing, and you have to make the starting effort.
– It’s said about everyone’s “pekel” that if we were all to take our package and put it in a pile and we were all called upon to choose whichever one we wanted- we would each take back our own pekel! As much as the next person’s life ‘seems’ perfect, believe me, it is not. As much as you think you know, you don’t.
This is big- very big. As the mod mentioned- maybe you need to speak to someone outside of the CR about this.
Whatever happens, I will daven extra hard for you to have the correct ratzon and Hashem should give you extra strength to withstand these very difficult nisyoinos.