TEA PARTY: You have two cows. The government offers you ten cows for free but you not only turn down the offer but also kill the two cows you have because Barack Obama is in favor of cows.
FAR LEFT COMMENTER on dailykos.com: You have two cows. One dies, the other gets upset and gores you, and you write diary after diary blaming Israel.
CLIVEN BUNDY: You have two cows. You graze them illegally on public land, without paying, and you blame black people when the cows die even though no black person has come within a hundred miles of your cows and you threatened the veterinarian with guns when he came to try to save the cows because he also works for the government.
PHIL ROBERTSON: Who cares about cows? I want to shoot ducks!
YESHIVA BACHUR: Wow! The gemara didn’t say that cows were this BIG!!!
HEALTH FOOD FANATIC: Don’t make me pasteurize the milk! I want to be able to risk my own life and those of others!!!
MODERN ORTHODOX: You have two cows. You donate them to the local agriculture school, which breeds them with their dairy bull and comes up with a new grade of more nutritious milk. Meanwhile, you make aliyah to Israel on the next Nefesh B’Nefesh flight and get a job in computers making half what you made as a dairy farmer in America.
CHAREDI: You have two cows. You have two cows, your brother has a bull. You don’t breed them because that would be non-tzniut.